I seriously know when you haven’t posted in a while. You were missed.
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Thank you!!! 
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And the fun continues 
I’ll start by saying, sweet younger daughter is fine, but she was in a car accident tonight, or, how they say round these parts, a wreck.
Nothing scarier than seeing your kid’s name light up the screen only to hear them sobbing on the other end. However, I think back to not so long ago when she was alienated from me and how painful it was being excluded from her, and how confusing and painful it was for her. After everything went on the journey to get her home, she was a meanie weenie 
a wild rabid animal, like an angry, wet cat that I was trying smother with hugs, kisses and snuggles. She was having none of it! With a lot of research, and twice as much patience, I eventually broke the spell and got my sweet baby back.
We’ve gotten so close and the strangest thing is that she has no memory of hating me or refusing to come home.
She literally called me the very second it happened. The fact that I am such a source of comfort for her is kind of indescribable. <— And I started that on Monday night! My ADHD has been quite extra lately, ugh, like bad. I won’t be too hard on myself because I’m dealing with a lot of shit on top of my normal pain shit, and basically sucking at life lol.
And distracted again, that last bit was at some point earlier today/yesterday, it was still light out. Then I got distracted by a million things, dogs, shiny things, I leave my poor sexting friend hanging, sometimes hours, sometimes days, and sometimes a week or more… yay me for figuring out a way to work it into our “scenario” (y’all know I’m freaky, don’t judge haha), oh, and I just remembered I put a salad on the counter, I don’t know, an hour ago? Honestly, this is pissing me off. I don’t know why it’s so crazy right now. I keep meaning to google it, but by the time I switch tabs, or I’m in another room and remember, poof, it’s gone before I actually do it. Ok, put it on Trello and it took everything I had to come back instead of populating my bullet list of things I’ve intended to accomplish and didn’t.
I wonder if it’s been since my niece passed away? I wonder if grief can cause it. Brb… I actually came right back again! If I just keep myself in the moment and follow my schedule, I do a lot better, but I just haven’t looked at it. Even today I haven’t. I added to it, but did not read what I have not done yet.
I also need to be more realistic, I put a lot on me for one day. I think I’m just stressed and so sad about my niece. I put so much effort into my sister, my other niece, and my ex-BIL, and I want someone to talk to, but I don’t reach out to anyone.
1:39AM No idea WTF I was starting to write at 1:39 AM… It could have been… and I started and forgot again the other one was maybe 8am-ish, I never slept last night. I’m sure once I actually take my adderall, I’ll be able to take a nap. I got paralyzed by trying to perfect one stupid email that took me 3.5 days to write because <---- I don’t know, this bird brain stuff is killing me. It’s now 3:46, and I just finally took my meds maybe an hour ago but this isn’t funny. (3:47) Whelp, now it’s 7:43pm on Thursday. I’m not getting up or changing tabs until I finish this. I have a wild migraine, so that is motivation to be nice to myself and finish up. I have an insatiable drive for information. I tear up the internet and ChatGPT and read my ass off. If something pops into my head, I stop what I’m doing and start googling. It’s how I got my google MD, Phd, JD, I’m a radiologist, hmmm what else. Oh, a pharmacist. I trust them more than my doctors with all this crap I’m on:
- Sertraline
- Naltrexone
- Adderall
- Gabapentin
- Clonazepam (thank god for spell check lol)
- Baclofen
- Protriptyline
The fun list that makes me, me (special and unique lol)
Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder
Guess who disappeared? 
(8:49) ← continued
PTSD 
ADHD
OCD
(I almost split out and went to LinkedIn because I remembered I was in the middle of responding to a recruiter from my favorite company 
)
I actually spoke to the cops when my daughter had her accident.
I was so scared that she was going to get in trouble because I was there, but she didn’t. I kissed their asses so much that one of them asked for my social media handles. However, he was 12 years old, and obviously a cop. Definitely would not appreciate my intense loathing of law enforcement, and my commentary on things I see on TV that are so horrible, I only say them when I’m alone, which is all the time, so… (10:02 PM 
)
(9:17 AM) OK, wrapping this up on Saturday, July 7, 2023 because I don’t even know what I’ve been flapping about all week. Lots of drama between Baby A and her Dad last night. I hate when it’s clearly 100% on him. I can’t say it, but he’s starting to behave the same way with her, and he really hurt her last night. He wanted her to drive 4 hours last night to spend time doing fireworks (well after 4th of July, yee-fucking-haw). I do agree with him that I don’t want her driving her car at night because one of the headlights is a wild googlie eye, I wanted to fix the googlie eye the other day, but she was being impatient as I was fixing her bumper and grill. you simply can not rush an arteest so, as I started on the light she was like “mom, omg, it’s fine, it doesn’t even work.” I was all like, you followed me home from the accident and yes it does, Kitten. So, it wiggled and wobbled to some crazy position shooting up and to the right lol. When will kids learn that mommy’s are always right.
So, I’ll fix it this week, when I’m given adequate time for my craft lol. Feel free to contact me via dm if you require a duct tape body work artist. I work on all makes and models, I do my best to match the tape to your vehicle, but, it only comes in so many colors.
So, I mention this because it has to do with the shit storm last night. So, she leaves with enough time to pick up her brother and drop off her girlfriend. Her father, bless his heart, thank god he’s pretty, was pissed off because she had to drive all the way out to the girlfriends house and then circle back around to about 20 minutes south of my place to grab her brother (who told her his car was in the shop, it was not). Bless. Why would she go back and forth instead of a little curve. I literally can’t, moving on.
My ex and his wife both knew this, but were still ok with her driving the car she just had an accident with not only on a 4 hour journey, through mountains and desolate areas, but to circle back around and be her brother’s free Uber.
So, she leaves here with her girlfriend with plenty of time to make it to the back woods of fucking WV before dark. However, 10 minutes after she left here, I get a call from her, her tire pressure (tire on side of accident) was low/basically no pressure, it was at 3. A gas station was a little over a mile away, and she was slowed down to around 20 mph with her hazards on, luckily she’s not hearing the dreadful flappy slappy of a totally flat tire. I’m on the phone with her the whole time, her brother is blowing up her phone, her father is blowing up her phone, she’s losing her damn mind because they are stressing her out.
So, I text the ex, and he’s with his wife, so, he’s not allowed to be nice to me, and gets to be a bit difficult to reason with. Mind you, he’s a vet, spent a year in Afghanistan, it changed him forever, and he thinks differently now, but I can instantly calm I call myself the Hulk Whisperer. So, I have to try and calm down the hulk while baby A is crying and stressed out, trying to fix her tire, he’s getting pissed off that she’s not texting him back, I was like, well… she’s driving so… (9:06 PM) You can’t get mad at her for not texting and driving, but of course I said it in a much nicer way (9:39 PM) Anyway, he was really pushing for her to go, she didn’t want to, and I told him that, but gingerly like, “I don’t feel like she wants to go. Let’s see what she says to you… If it’s meant to be, the kids will work something out 
”
Then, nothing
I told my kiddo to come back here and get my car
2 hours later I texted My ex “Everything ok and all settled?”
Nothing
So, (12:26) I was texting with k (Next day 3:43 PM) screw it… went like crap, she left at 2am to turn right back around and drive home, packed a suitcase to bring everything here, and he’s acting like a child. I just sent him a long letter that hopefully he’ll receive well. Who knows, he terrifies me. The text I sent before it was super nice and he picked one sentence out of the whole novel to focus on and get pissed off about. So, we’ll see. Don’t care. If he can be an adult great. If not, maybe he’ll hear what I had to say and reflect on himself, because the things he said to his child, were fucked up. He’s fucked in the head, and … whatever.
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But wait, there’s more! We dropped her car off at the body shop on Monday and then she borrowed my little car to go to work and was t-boned by a driver running a light. The guy hit the passenger side of my car where her girlfriend was, and the airbags deployed and all the glass broke so the girls got some cuts, and they are sore. Her girlfriend’s arm is bruised though. Her grandmother wouldn’t allow her to go to the hospital. My kid refused to go too so I just kept an eye on them and spoiled the shit out of them.
I check up on her a few times a day, I love her so much. I’m pretty sure she’s going to be my daughter-in-law 
her mom died of an od a year ago, so I try really hard to be there for her. She’s sent me this 
:
I got to see my niece’s daughter over the weekend. I’m hell bent on that child being in my life. She loves me like her mom did. She is amazing and I think her momma saved everybit of happiness she didn’t have so it could all go into this sweet little one.
She is special and she’s going to make a mark in this world. We made some TikTok’s the other day, but when you make them with a 7 year old, there is a lot of editing that must be done lol. We just got off of FaceTime and I showed her what I had so far and she loved it. She’s so easy to please. I could wrap up a piece of dog shit and give it to her for Christmas and she would lose her mind. I have never seen a more grateful or positive child. I’m not going to let her forget her mother. I’m also going to take her to see her grandpa because my niece used to take her and no one has since my niece switched to energy and light
And
@Clarity i would like to thank you for your support on TikTok. That one seems hard to get followers on. Especially when it’s anonymous and I don’t want any local business people know who I am on there. One girl found me, she used to work for me. That one was probably meant to be, her son died of a fentanyl overdose. The dealer was charged and convicted of murder. My sister doesn’t seem to into it, but I will find these people and I will kill them. Apparently , Rey simplified version, they think it’s China’s (CCP) way to avoid war by killing off our youth. How’s about I kill off ya face.
So, I’m just over here trying to save the world through TikTok, Twitter, instagram, YouTube, and Patreon. I think that’s it.
Plus, not to flex or anything: Thomas Ravenel from Southern Charm follows me on Twitter AND Tamrazzzb Judge blocked me on Twitter. I feel so important
Me thinks someone can dish it out but can’t take it.
Started that yesterday, then I asked my sister for information on the spreading ashes thing for my niece. They are doing it at OBX, I think? I wouldn’t know, I found out that I’m not fucking invited??? But, even worse, my brother in law was not invited or even asked for permission. Are you fucking kidding me?
I have spent that past 2.5 months supporting my sister emotionally, like every single fucking day, and I don’t even like her as a person. But I’m fucking empathetic to a fault.
I’m devastated, and I’m scared she’s going to fuck me over with the portion of the ashes I asked for. I want to make jewelry for my great niece and get a tattoo with her ashes in the ink, and a mini urn.
Fucking narcolepsy, I keep falling asleep, I haven’t even taken my meds yet, so I guess I’ll do that and get more coffee lol. And hopefully, I don’t do this to my head again 
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Holy crap girl! That’s some bruise. Must have been a very hard hit. Stay on top of your meds damn it! You don’t need that happening again.
I can’t believe you’re not invited to spread your niece’s ashes. That makes me so angry! 
You’re probably the only person she’d want there anyway. I hope your sis gives you a fair share so you can honor your niece in the beautiful ways you planned.
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Your tik toks make my day! You are saving the world one tik and tok at a time! 
OMG that bruise. I think grieving can cause all sorts of ADHD symptoms, seems like you keep trying all sorts of ways to distract yourself. I’m rooting for you babe!! Hope you start to heal on the outside and the inside too. I hope the world gives you a damn break soon!!
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I am sorry that you may be left out of some thing so important. It was a simple request that you had, it’s on them not on you.
You want to honor your niece. If I were in that position I would try to let go of my hard, hurt and angry feelings and go forward with what I wanted to do to honor my niece.
I would make some ashes out of some sage or something. No it’s not her, but it’s from your heart.
It’s the feelings from your heart. It’s the honoring her from your heart. It’s your communication with her, your relationship that you had with her, the honoring of her that you want to do.
In some safe way I would make some ashes and go forward with my plans with those.
Life will never be fair and to the mean people in our lives we can just try to let them affect us as little as possible and do what we can do to do what we want to do
Editing to add what I left out. I would make the burning of the ashes ceremonial. I picked sage because lots of cultures burn sage. In the time it’s burning I would have a ceremony with my heart telling her how much I loved her how much she meant to me and how I will always remember her and have these ashes as a way to remember her.
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I hit very, very hard.My body just goes completely limp. I just so happened to be standing that time. It still hurts. There is one spot that if I even graze it, it is brutal. I’m good with my meds, especially the ones that matter to me. That’s the naltrexone and Zoloft. I don’t know what I would do without those. I really think they are a big tool in my sober toolbox Anyway, maybe I gave the front of my skull a little crack. I fell once or twice before standing up in the bathroom, but I think my make-up mirror broke my fall, and got my eye socket one time and the top of my forehead the other time. Definitely not as bad as the one in the kitchen. Damn my fat ass wanting a snack. I gave Ava shit for not babysitting me lol. She’s like I thought you were going to bed hahahaaa…
I actually just sent my sister this:
How’s you? How was your weekend? Did you do OK? I missed your first message I think. Yes! Peopling is beyond hard, even more hard when your mentally and emotionally drained.
So, who’s going to be at *****’s thing? I was thinking maybe I could just stand on the beach and watch? It feels really wrong for me not to be there
So, we’ll see what she says. I asked her once before who was going and she didn’t answer me. I’ve never been included in anything. I’m not even a fucking godparent to any of the kids. She treats her ex-husband’s family like that’s her real family. His sister’s are the godparents. Like what the fuck.
I don’t want to give her shit for it, because like, you know. At the same time, it’s severely fucked up. She asked me to speak at the funeral (i hate saying that word) and I got up there and sobbed and couldn’t speak. I said a few things to her daughter (who I just so happen to be facetiming with right now lol) just what I could muster up. Then apologized and went back to my seat.
I’m sick to my stomach that her father and I were excluded. I hope my message wasn’t mean, I don’t mean to add o her grief, but I want to be there. If there is no room on the boat for me, I’ll stand on the beach and watch, I just feel like I have to be there. I never ever speak up with my family, because I lose.
I just got done cleaning out my car and got some boo boo’s because there was glass everywhere, but I’m stubborn AF. I even got my Patrick (from Sponge Bob) old faded air freshener lol. I was pulling things apart like crazy trying to get the wiring out for the dash cam. I think I needed to take off the inside door panel, but it was to crushed to do anything with. Poor Albert Brenneman, I will miss him so much. He was such a good little car They are totaling it, and my cheap ass didn’t get gap insurance, because knock on wood, I haven’t been in a car accident in over 30 years.
I love you, I’m so sorry to babble lol
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Awwwww, I love you so much!!! I need to do my TikTok for today, I need to do Stevie’s beef of the Day Tamra Part 2 lol. I thought the “bushes” thing in the beginning was funny. I just hate that the sound was weird. I changed it with the voice stuff to make it more audible? Is that the word I’m thinking of? but when it was my regular voice it was cutting in and out, but people get the idea lol.
I have two more with little miss thing from last weekend. I love her so, so, so much. She’s a little piece of my niece that lives on, so I’m kind of obsessing over her right now lol. But she loves me so much just like her momma. She calls me on FaceTime every day.
Oh, and I’m definitely doing a beef of the day about people who don’t think I’m the most awesome dancer in the world. I got moves better than Jagger mofo’s! That one will be funny to me at least. I had one boyfriend say to me in a club, “do you even hear the music?” bwahahahaaaa
And my big baby video is only visible to my friends, I wouldn’t make that one public lol.
I’m glad you’re enjoying them, it’s kind of healing to make them and be someone else for a bit
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Thank you girl
I was talking to her Dad, and he said that she knows who loves her, and it’s typical of her mother to exclude us. She pawned him off on me when he relapsed on pain killers after 12 years of sober. He was addicted to alcohol, so he had dental work and they gave him pain killers, and it was rough for a minute. I would take him to meetings every single day. Prop his ass up in a chair, take care of their kids. My niece that passed, I drove her to school every day for months. I was his contact for the rehabs he was going to, not her. She dumped his ass. Mind you, they met in AA. Real nice, in sickness or in health. My sister can’t even be faithful, so whatever. I feel my niece with me, and I talk to her. Not too much yet because all I do is cry and say her name over and over 
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I love you and your babble! 
Glad to hear you didn’t get hurt worse than you did. I cracked up when you said Ava was babysitting you. You need to listen to her next time and go to bed or a padded room. lol
I sure hope your sister responds. Even if you stay on the beach, at least you’ll be present.
Always here for you and I enjoy reading your updates, the good and the bad. Sending love and light your way!
Oh no! I didn’t realize the accident was that bad that they had to total your car. You can’t catch a break. Ugh!
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I just realized I was about 10 days sober when I started this thread, and it’s gone through so many twists and turns. So, I don’t want to forget why I started it, and to remember to be grateful every day. I have had a pretty rough go of it since getting sober. A lot of it could be a direct result of poor choices I made when I was drinking. I have to trust that eventually, things will even out.
I’m so grateful to be sober.
- I was able to run to my daughter immediately with both car accidents, whereas in the past, I would have been drunk and either passed out, or a sloppy, smelly, gross mess
- I probably would have drank myself to death when my niece passed
- I whipped out a Bachelor’s degree in 5 months, who needs sleep anyway
- I’m in graduate school for an MBA
- I’m doing things very out of the box that I would have never done before
- I freaking applied to the geriatric bachelor
- I’m STILL diggin’ that morning coffee!! I would get sick just thinking about coffee when I was hungover. I always just drank more immediately to make the hangover go away. I’m an intellectual if you can’t tell lol
- My relationship with my kids is beyond amazing. I took the time to learn how to be a good parent. I spent a lot of time reading and studying how to handle situations like
- I navigated through a very painful parental alienation situation. I was going about it the wrong way, so I read, I studied, I found online support communities, and I fixed it. Now I share with others what I did and why it worked. Being alienated is brutal and torture.
- I’m like TikTok famous. I have 17 followers, so in ya face!
Look, my life may not be the best right now and I sure am going through a lot. However, I would never be able to navigate any of this if I were not sober. I’ll be honest, I would have been dead long ago. I was close to death when that dragged my half dead ass to the hospital. I remember nothing about the ambulance, getting wheeled out of my apartment building on a stretcher wearing just a pair of undies, the spectacle that it caused… well, I heard about it when I got back home. The whole time I was in the hospital, I couldn’t wait to get back home so I could just drink again. I said what I needed to say to manipulate the doctors and my family, just to get out of the hospital. I had a mean nurse/doctor can’t remember telling me that the next time she sees me, it’s going to be because I need a new liver, but I won’t be eligible unless I’m sober at least 9 months. I was like “ok lady, I take so much milk thistle, my liver is fine” so in ya face lady. My parents picked me up, the hospital gave me this gross sweat pants and sweat shirt that were wayyyy too big for me. I also had no shoes, I forget what they gave me for me feet, but I had to go into the pharmacy like that. I was still very sick and shaking. That lasted quite a long time. I don’t know what changed in me, but I was like ok, I guess I’ll give it a try. George Floyd was murdered on May 25, 2020, and I was very drunk when I found out. That set me off tremendously, many of you know how much I hate cops, and what this poor man went through, I couldn’t take it. I went over the edge. I got home from the hospital on The day I got home, the riots started for George Floyd. (went to lala land for an hour or so, back now, why am i like this) I was still so sick, but stood on my balcony watching, my building was set on fire, yet I decided to stay put. The protests during the day were peaceful, then the violence started at night. If I were still drinking, I cannot lie, I would have been right out there with them. But I was sober. Anyway, I’ll always remember that while I was finishing my detox from home, there was no sleeping, there was so much noise, explosions, etc. I filmed a lot of it. The cops did some really fucked up things here that made national news. Anyway, that was my withdrawal story. I am so grateful that something in me changed and I decided to get rid of all the liquor in my apartment rather than drinking it. I don’t know what it was or what changed my mind.
You’ll never hear me say rock bottom because that shit doesn’t exist. There’s always a worse one out there. Rock bottom is dead, end of story. I didn’t hit rock bottom, it wasn’t my first OD. I do have survivors guilt. My niece should be here instead of me. Like why do I live through so much shit that everyone else dies from? I’m a freaking cockroach. WTF
Anyway, I’m babbling and procrastinating. Much love to you all. I need to come here more often so I don’t write whole ass novels every time I do lol
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Oh, she responded 
Like really? I get really butt hurt about the “regular crew” too. Because I have never been invited. She’s going with her ex-husband’s fucking sisters!!! But not her own fucking sister. I guess since they are the godparents. Whatever, I think I need to stop checking on my sister every day to see how she’s doing. As much as I feel for her, I really just have more justification of why I stopped talking to her in the first place. I’m invisible to her. 
My whole life, I have just wanted to be accepted by her and included. She’s my little sister, so it’s so ass backwards. Meh
One day I’ll speak up for myself and let her know why I disappeared, but now is not the time. Maybe in a few years, I don’t know. I do know that checking up on her so much is probably just, I don’t know, whatever. I just want my family to see me 
No response to my last text, whateves
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I know it’s not quite the same, but I’m glad that you have this place where you know that you will be heard, listened to, what you say will be appreciated and valued and you will receive responses.
Congratulations for all the changes you’ve made in your life since you’ve been sober…
You’ve come a long way my friend.
I’m sorry you’re getting excluded, I hope that they will honor your wishes of having some of your niece’s ashes.
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Wow! Her response was very cold. It’s time to distance yourself again and stop checking up on her daily. She doesn’t deserve your kindness. When I read her response, my initial reaction was “what a c***”! You are grieving too and going there could maybe help you get some closure but she obviously doesn’t see it that way. Very sad!
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I keep trying to say something but I’m just lost for words by your sister’s behaviour. I hope one day reality would give her an almighty bitch slap to wake up and smell the coffee. I’m with Lisa here. It’s maybe better to take a few steps back.
It’s shitty that they exclude you like that. I’m so sorry.
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Thanks lady, it’s honestly just disgusting what a piece of shit she is. I haven’t spoken to her since. For someone with such a high IQ she has an extremely low EQ. I wonder why her granddaughter FaceTimes me every night and not her? <---- No idea when I wrote that lol
They are on the trip now and it’s killing me. I really feel like I’m going to get fucked over with the ashes.
I have a nod to Stella @Its_me_Stella on one of my recent TikTok videos, I speak of donuts at the end of one of my videos. It’s so hard to get followers when you have to do it from scratch and can’t start with the people in your life that are on your normal social media, because if they saw it, or if a potential employer saw it, you gonna get judged because that shit be stupid AF lol.
Anyway, I’ve not touched my Masters program and I’m supposed to graduate in December, so I’m putting myself in a real bind. I’m downsizing my apartment to a studio or one bedroom to save about $1,000 in rent. Mine is just shy of $3,000 right now. If I get a remote job, once my lease is up, I think I’m trying out a different state, hoping for California. Depends on what I get paid. Right now my only two prospects are substantially lower pay than I’m used to. However, they will pay the rent and allow me to save a little. I want to save as much as possible so that I’m never in this position again. Low risk investments, or diversified, I don’t know. I’m not one to gamble.
Anyway, I know there is a lot I want to say, but I have so much to do and of course I’m behind schedule, but at least checking the boxes today.
Oh, right, this is huge, i’ll elaborate later, but the love of my life, the one that got away, the one I spent less than two years with but he was the one that got away. Or rather, I fucked up because I was young and immature. Well, I found out he died 3 weeks after my niece. I saw something on facebook when it happened and I convinced myself that it was just like NYPD appreciation or something. NY cops are the only ones I will ever trust. They are required to have a degree in criminal justice and get excellent training, pay, and retirement benefits. He retired in 2018.
I think because it was so close to Sabrina, I just mentally did whatever I had to in order to block the pain. My dumb ass background checks him everyone once in a while waiting to see if he gets divorced lol. I always thought that we would reunite one day. I used to have dreams about him literally at least once a week for about 20 years. When I was with Matt, they slowly stopped. My mom was convinced that I was with Matt because he reminded me of John. The same age as when we broke up. I have a type, a very definite type. John was half Italian and half Portuguese. He also was not ready for the same things as I was at the time. I wanted to get married and have children as soon as possible. He said he would probably never get married, but he wanted kids. Well, he didn’t get married until he was 40, and he had twins. Ha, just like my ex husband (#1) He died of 9/11 related illness. My heart hurts knowing that he suffered and had to die so young just for being a hero
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Sorry for your loss. It sucks friend. It’s always good to see you. X
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I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve been giving up a lot, haven’t you. Like Menno said, it’s good to have you here 
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I dont have tiktok but i would DL it just to follow u.
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