Thank you, it’s a Certified Commercial Investment Member
It means a lot to me, so feeling a little proud 
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Best wishes for that! 
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Being sober is helping me get the courage or desire to reach out to people from my past and present to reconnect. I’ve always been too insecure… like who would even want to talk to me. I found an old friend from NY that I used to have a blast with. I have not seen her in 23 years! It’s nuts. Funny thing is, we knew each other when I was in a 3 year stint of sobriety. So she doesn’t even know drunk Beth. We are going to hang out on zoom this evening. I’m excited but nervous too. She told me that she found her calling as a psychic medium which I’m absolutely obsessed with. So I can’t wait to hear all about it and what lead her there.
I also found my best friend that I met in AA in Florida, sort of. We were roommates and just the absolute best of friends. We did both start drinking again at the same time, and he went awol for a while. I was finishing up college and just about to get married to my first husband when I saw him last. I’ve been trying to find him forever. I finally paid to find him and was crushed and devastated to find out that he died of a fentanyl overdose in 2009, he was only 35. I always thought I would find a way to see him again. We had the exact same sense of humor. We were pretty much the same person which is crazy that we got along so well. So, now I talk to him and my friend Steve who passed in August daily. I don’t care if I sound crazy, it’s how I cope.
I remember when Steve passed. I dropped off the face of the earth, turned off my phone, and ignored everyone reaching out to me. I felt it was some sort of cruel joke and a lie. I still feel that way. My first thought was to drink. But honestly, the thought passed as quickly as it came.
This is pretty all over the place, but I told my therapist I would journal, so that’s what I’m turning this into. No matter what each day brings, I’m going to find something to be grateful for due to my sobriety.
Currently, one of my big hang ups is with men not actually being able to love women. Then I realize that I have seen men love other women. Men just don’t love me, am I unlovable? My therapist pointed out that I always bail on relationships if I feel loved. I did that when younger. That morphed into this overwhelming feeling of both my husbands not loving me. So I left because I didn’t think they loved me anymore.
Anyway, I guess it’s a moot point because being loved by a man is not something I’m interested in, and who knows, I may never be interested in again because I don’t believe in it. I have zero trust. I see the awful and shady stuff men do and I don’t want any part of that. Mind you, I’m not trying to offend the men on here, this applies more so to me personally and what I’ve witnessed and been through myself.
And I’m ashamed to admit, that up until very recently, I didn’t have this mindset. I engaged in a very inappropriate friendship on here that I’m not proud of. I was weak and extremely fragile. Feeling like I mattered, that I was needed, like I was pretty, like I was desirable, and just not invisible got the best of me. For goodness sake, I’m 49 years old and I got wrapped up in online/phone/FaceTime shenanigans. What’s humiliating to me is that I caught feelings. I truly cared for this person. But he was only interested in me when he was drinking, then ignored and/or blocked me when sober. This is really hard to admit because it’s so embarrassing and makes me look so desperate.
I got so hurt and angry watching this person get so much love and support especially from people that knew about the situation, which is very few. I felt so betrayed but never said anything because it’s stupid and immature of me to expect people to shun someone who clearly needs help just because this person hurt me. But, I started harboring resentments. I was getting angry and this app was the reason. Well, I allowed this app to be the reason.
So, I found myself obsessing over this person liking my posts. I realized it wasn’t healthy, so I disappeared from the forum for a few months. In those months I grew strong. I still kept in touch with other people from here to keep me sane. I’m proud of my growth while I was gone. I never in a million years thought I would be in a place where I would be not just fine, but happy and content to be alone.
Now, the thought of letting someone into my life is just that. I would have to allow it, and he would have to be pretty damn special. I will settle zero and I mean zero. I don’t NEED anyone, so you would have to bring value to my life. Those are big shoes to fill because I even kill my own spiders and can reach high places 
. In the past I settled for the first thing that liked me back. I guess there’s a reason that it took so long to get here, but I sure am happy that I am 
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Wow Beth,
I’m impressed, first you can reach things and kill your own spiders, 
But overall your entry is amazing, as far as the bail on being loved… hi my name is. And I am guilty AF. Its really a defense mechanism of sorts. My therapist told me its because we dont want to feel vulnerable so we flee.
As a man I agree, not just men but women too will be given this gift of one person who will do anything for them, only to be expected to be loved in return, in today’s society I see inanimate objects being loved and people being used. Where is should be objects being used and people being loved. But its seems not to be that way.
As far as your relationship, it’s normal these days to get comfortable with someone online and hope to build fruition to something real. Hell when I was younger I started a relationship that way partially cause I was very self conscious and I really had interest in someone who likewise caught my attention, it lasted about 3 years of visits phone calls, etc. But we were both young and going different ways with our lives. Do I feel that said man should have been more honest with you? Absolutely, it’s hard to accept that you developed feelings for someone who just thinks of you as a you’ll do when I need you, tbh it fucking hurts
One of my biggest barriers in my relationship department is my childs mother, we dated on and off, for a bit and she would purposely attack any woman who came into my life until it failed. She still does it even though we split 10 years ago and she is married.its a control thing I swear
The fact that you accept you are strong and dont need anyone is a huge amount of progress that means the next man who tries better be prepared to handle a grown strong woman, who isn’t gonna settle for BS.
As far as your medium friend, if she is ok with it PM me her info. I’m into that stuff, maybe she can provide me some direction
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Let me see if she’s cool with it. I know she’s a bit overextended, but I will certainly check. She recommended the book “The Happy Medium” to me. I downloaded it off kindle for like $8. It’s an easy read and hard to put down. However, I’m forcing myself to. I must earn it. Homework first, then fun book
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I looked up the happy medium, got two results my guess is the one with the blue cover?
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So true you hit the nail on the head with that one
Ok thank you, I saw that one too just wanted to double check!
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Awww thanks! 
It was always so natural for me to focus on what I was missing out on (which is exactly zero). I ignored the beauty of sobriety and resented it for ruining my life. It’s a tricky little fella, making you think you’re missing out on something. Why can’t I be normal? Well, you know what? It’s not normal to put poison in your body, wake up ashamed and sick, and then go… yeah baby! Let’s do it again. It’s not normal to put poison in your body, period. 
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You have an amazing story. Thank you for sharing! 
So far I’m loving not being hungover, can safely be the DD and I’m having more motivation to do things I’ve been pushing off…
I’m also noticing other people don’t drink as much as i thought they did… Or did they drink more around me before? 
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I love not having to go to all the different liquor stores in the area so I don’t look like an alcoholic. I love not chugging beers on the way home from the store and telling my husband I only bought 6 beers. I love not feeling angry all the time. I love not being swollen. I love not having to return 200 dollars worth of empties every few weeks. I love all the money I am saving. I love remembering what I did the day before.
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True story, I was taking a bite of my lovely rice cake with tuna on top, and I laughed when I read your post, and out went my lunch LOL… Yes! I also realized people do not drink nearly as much as I thought they did! Now I’m sure that there were times that we encouraged our friends to drink more with us. However, the truth is, we just assumed that everyone was keeping up with us. It was pretty eye-opening, to be honest
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So, I’ve been having this fear that the desire to drink will come for me. I’m getting to the timeframe where I usually start manipulating myself into thinking I can drink normally now that I have some decent time under my belt. The difference is that I can easily play the tape through this time, and I’m 100% positive it will be the same old bullshit. It’s strange to be afraid of yourself. Afraid of your own mind.
I know that today I won’t drink. I love being sober and I’m accomplishing so many wonderful things. I’ve been feeling pretty lazy lately. Not sure if it’s my ADHD medicine or not. It makes me pretty mellow. Time will tell. I’m not noticing much of a difference in my ability to stay focused. I guess I can’t figure it out. I’m feeling something lately, but can’t describe it. I feel uneasy and literally can’t tell if maybe I’m sad if it’s something else. I wish I could access my feels. Oh well, I’ll talk to my therapist about it Friday
I’ve been helping a friend out with her relationship. She’s in a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. He has her so beaten down that she’s just a shell of what she used to be. Everyone is unkind to her and gives her a really hard time because she’s not left yet. I know exactly what she’s going through. I know she won’t leave right away, but she gets closer every day. This guy is such a miserable piece of shit. He’s a scam artist and a liar. He has crazy amounts of debt and keeps adding on to it. My friend is one of the most beautiful women on earth. If you saw her, she would literally take your breath away. She’s smart, funny, caring, and owns her own business. I wish I could crawl inside her body for a few months to give her the strength to leave him. However, we do snap her out of the manipulations daily and she’s starting to see clearly. It’s so easy to see on the outside. When you’re in it, all the guy has to do is be nice for 10 seconds and we are giddy again. I don’t know what kind of sick power this kind of man has, but damn. So, if you’re reading this, please pray for m dear, sweet friend. I love her so much and she deserves to be happy.
Aside from that, just a good day working. I started late because I was watching the inauguration. Regardless if people like Kamala or not, today is a historic day. I can’t imagine how profound the feeling must be for her and her family.
I’ve been slacking on my school stuff. This particular class is easy, so technically I could just take the final without reading or doing the work. However, I am a nerd, so I must do all the work. Therefore, I’m putting all this pressure on myself. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling? Like when you’re not accomplishing what you need to. Ugh, I just don’t seem to have the words to describe it 
Anyway, today I’m grateful that I woke up sober, that I was able to help a friend, and my introverted ass actually called two people back that left me voice mails last week. One guy called twice. I just delete voicemail. I don’t know what it is, but I hate the phone. I really want to do the TS Zoom, but that gives me anxiety too. I accomplished a lot today, I was able to be productive because I am sober! Yay!
Here’s a pretty pic from last night
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Toxic relationships are hard, its like I want you so weak and cornered so you cant make the move to leave. Almost predator prey situations
Kamala is the VP, ok a women in power, a definite 1st, yet people are fearful of it. I mean c’mon we just let a celebrity in power for 4 years, let’s see what she can bring to the table
As far as the TS Zoom, you can easily turn off the mic & camera and just hang out till your comfortable. We have a few people who do that
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I went once and didn’t say a single word
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Well keep coming back as they say you can see the zoom crowd is harmless, maybe more time and you can feel more comfortable
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Hey Beth, thanks for sharing your journey. I’m case no one’s told you today, you’re great and you’ve had me craving up more than once!!! 
We would love to have you on TS zooms! I’m there most times, LOL.
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Sometimes it’s easy to get somewhat complacent and overlook the beautiful parts of my day that only exist because of sobriety.
My days are typically the same. I wake up early, put the news on the TV, read all the business news in my email. I slam a couple of cups of coffee using vanilla protein as creamer, procrastinate until the very last minute, and then hop in the shower and start my day.
There was a time, not so long ago, that none of this was easy. Sweating, shaking, the disgusting feeling of poison running through my veins… I was a machine. I did what I had to do, and it was absolute torture. Everyday I would say “you did this to yourself, so suck it up”. Rinse, repeat.
When my daughter would come stay with me, I wasn’t present. I was a shitty mom. Not totally, I mean I’ve always been loving and kind. However, I was sloppy and the kids hated it. I’m one of those fancy drunks that slurs halfway through the first drink. I also blacked out quickly, so who knows.
This weekend was different, and it didn’t even occur to me until I took my daughter back to her daddy. So, when I picked her up Friday night, she asked me if I would help her with math. She really needed a lot of help because I asked her what she was doing in math, was it algebra? And she goes, “I don’t know” So I asked if there were a bunch of x’s and y’s? Sho nuff, that’s what she was doing.
Now the cool part… when I woke up in the morning, I remembered she asked for help!! <-- that’s huge for me haha. Then I spent about 4 hours with her teaching her algebra. Not only does she now know what it is, she aced two tests. 100% on one and 91% on the other. I was so proud and I watched her confidence grow before my very eyes. It was beautiful.
So… that my friends, is one of those things I don’t even realize as a gift of sobriety. I’m sober now, it’s my life and how I live. So that’s why this thread is so important for me. Some days I may have to think hard to find the gratitude. Not because I’m not grateful, but because sober life has become so natural. One thing that has changed this time is how easy it is to play the tape through. Shit, I don’t even play it, I fast forward right to the end. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
It’s officially way past my bedtime, but I promised myself I would be better at posting in here. Plus, I promised my therapist. I should probably add in some struggles or things I’m going through to gauge progress, but that will come in time. This is a decent start. Ok, much love to you all I’m taking my sweet puppers out to tinkle, then off to bed for me 
(I procrastinate when it comes to going to bed too )
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Wow congrats to your daughter, and the fact you remembered she asked for help and you pulled through.
Kinda hits home with me, I know my kids have asked me for help with assignments especially since I am really good with Math I either would procrastinate or just give them the answers without educating them. I was setting them up for failure, makes me feel guilty that I put my alcohol before a very important thing to me, their education, and the most important thing to me. My children
Its the little things I’ve never experienced before and all the hurt and pain I brought upon that encourage me to get this right this time
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