I drank heavily as a young woman and stopped at 26. Went to rehab, stayed 28 days and embarked on 18 years of sobriety. Allowed a person in my life who had never seen me as a drunk convince me I was OK to drink. I knew better!!! Ignored the internal voice that said “nooooooooooo”! I chose to drink at that point. Since then, 16 years later (that person is long gone) I struggle with periodic relapses.
I go months and am happy and am not even white-knuckling it. Then it is almost like I am possessed…the voice comes back…I drink. And since my SO is a teetotaler (more on that at another time) I “sneak”. Yeah, as if…who am I fooling?
Any way, my point…I am still trying to figure out why after all this time I self-sabotage. I’ve done therapy. I write the lists of how dandy I am and what I have accomplished. Blah, blah…those are objective measures. I had a reasonably decent childhood. No major trauma there. I know how I became an alcoholic: low self-esteem + genetics +I drank.
Trust me…at 60 I have read enough about addiction. I have dabbled in AA (not feeling it). I was a member in Women for Sobriety for 8 years. I know I am an alcoholic. I know I can not moderate…ever.
And part of me doesn’t even want the answer to the question “why do I do this”? I do it for a good reason, bad reason, or no reason.
Hi and welcome here. It is really interesting to read your story. I am relatively new to sobriety with 2 years sober now at 39.
What popped out as a question for me was: do you want to quit? Do you want to walk back on the path of your sobriety? As you say there is no reason to drink? Do you have reasons not to drink?
Oh yes…I want to quit!!! My sober life is great! I haven’t lost everything…not even close. Healthy, adult sons love me, nice relationship, great job for 22+ years…on it goes. Many reasons to not drink. What keeps coming back is the idea that I am CHOOSING to drink. That is why I am here…reading…participating…soaking up the sobriety vibes. Thanks for your response.
Welcome to the forum, @Mbwoman. I found there were two questions that I had to answer.
Why do I drink? I sought answers for this for years, or more accurately to the question that covered up this one, which was " Why do I get drunk?". After trying to change my external environment and trying therapy to fix me, I was still drinking, still getting drunk. After I got sober, I settled on the answer that is the title of a personal story in the back of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the story titled ‘Because I’m an Alcoholic’.
What thought cycles and learned behaviors do I have to change to become comfortable in sobriety? In other words, I recognize that I am a flawed person, and that I have learned to react by avoiding and repressing and fantasizing. And those reactions resulted in drinking. They didn’t cause my drinking but they led to it.
Now, I was a daily drinker who drank for 35 years. And in one respect, that track record might have made it easier for me to get sober than if I had been a ‘periodic’ or binge drinker with some success at sobriety in between periods. I’ll tell you that when I got sober, finally, I used everything offered to me, Antabuse, individual counseling, intensive outpatient treatment, AA, and enforced accountability with daily checkins at the police station to prove my sobriety. My mission flipped from doing everything possible to get enough to drink in a day over to the single, laser like focus on getting to bed sober.
We have different stories but the same problem. Maybe my path won’t work for you. But everyone who has gotten sober has stopped saying to themselves that they will not try this that or the other. You are highly motivated right now. Are you willing to try anything? What about another inpatient rehab? That’s the level of commitment that will lead to success.
@SinceIAwoke. Yes!! Because I am an alcoholic!! That is probably the biggest reason. I guess my question these days is “why don’t I stop?”. Hmmmm…same answer. OK, then…“why do I keep doing this?” Eureka! Same answer!
I appreciate your reminding me to take advantage of all resources. I am in counseling, which helps. And I have emergency Antabuse in my purse. Last time I chose not to use it. Now, with said Antabuse is a note detailing how AWFUL my last relapse was. Rehab, truly, isn’t necessary. I know that causes head shaking in some circles. I’m close…really I am. Way closer to stopping for good than throwing in the towel. I hope this makes sense and doesn’t make me sound like I am in total denial. I truly appreciate your feedback. And congratulate you on your sobriety!!
Well…as a teenager/young woman I was a daily, heavy drinker. I guess being young afforded me the “opportunity” to abuse my body and still function. I knew I needed to stop. I tried unsuccessfully many times. Fast forward 10 years. My sister was murdered. I couldn’t handle the horror of that plus my drinking problem. Went to work drunk, ironically I worked in a psych hospital. They had a rehab branch out of town. Off I went! Having the poison out of my body for a month was a miracle. I felt SO good. Didn’t want to drink…for 18 years.
My problem seems to be I am unable to reclaim that “I feel so great why would I wreck it?” feeling. I dont drink daily and know I won’t. Body can’t handle that and I do love life.
After 18 years sober I remembered how awful daily drinking was. I knew the science told us “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”. Did it anyway. Alcoholic thinking…
Being here…focusing on the many positive aspects of sobriety on a daily basis is my plan. I have much to gain by reading the success stories, strategies, tips, etc. But, even though I am newly sober (again) and have lived a life battling alcoholism…successfully I not so much…I hope my giving back and helping others will help me on my journey.
Thanks @Fargesia_murielae argesia! I see you are a frequent poster who offers much support here. Thanks for picking me!
Re: a cure, yes, it does. One of my messages is “hey you young people, when you get sober, NEVER forget”. I’m being a bit flippant with that. But a message is, no matter when you get sober, fight to stay that way.
Welcome!! As it is just a few months til I turn 60, I can relate to a younger life of lots of drinking and for me lots of drugs. I have also always been functional for whatever that is worth. But man, I was really a mess. I have only been sober just shy of 4 years. But man, they have been good years. I really really do not miss the mental gymnastics involved when I was still drinking…so I feel you there.
I really appreciate you sharing your story here. It reminds me to get those ideas of a few glasses of wine someday out of my head. So thank you for that. I guess I would offer, keep reading, keep being active and keep reminding yourself of how wonderful sobriety feels and how incredibly demoralizing drinking is. That shit sucks the life out of us…no lie. Nothing there but bad decisions and regret.
@Milo, that is a smart way to approach things. Makes me think how “all in” I have been for the whole drinking experience (buying, hiding it, consuming it, disposing of the bottles, etc). Sobriety deserves the same effort. Thank you!
Thank you! I haven’t heard of the books by Holly and Laura. I’ll investigate. Read This Naked Mind last year. She made good points, but my recollection was it read for a younger audience. I may revisit. I appreciate any and all recommendations.
For me over the decades had plenty of excuses to lift a drink for me no reason id lift the phone to my sponsor or another friend in my network and it passed , it works if you work it this is my experience wish you well
Thanks for sharing your story. I especially related to this part
In the last 10 days being sober has became for some reason harder for me. During the last couples of days I told myself : “I am going to relapse” like if I had no choice. Tired of the thoughts of drinking hitting me whenever the little monkey feel like it. And then I play the tape, remember my “why”, remember where alcohol led me, what horrible feeling will come out of this… and guess what? I’d still feel like I have to relapse even if it means all that. Like yesterday, when I was in my car and had nausea, it reminded me of when I was hangover and I had to have a couple of beer to get over the nausea… So I had the idea of drinking and it seemed legit to me… But actually not at all at the same time.
There’s literally 2 persons living inside me, and that’s the one who just want to drink and use (that’s literally only what he wants) and there’s the one who want to live and be. What I’ve learned over the last decade is that both can’t live at the same time. The Horror tales of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde pretty much is my résumé. And I guess that this first part, which is the alcoholic one, sometime just want to get his place back. It was the one we fed for so long and put so much effort into his growth, that now he’s battling from inside and is in need of attention. But drinking isn’t what he needs. He needs you to take care of yourself. When he’s agitating, it’s because you are in need of something. The need, we used to drink to cope with it. Any need = drinks. So I guess every time this bad wolf is in fury and doesn’t want any answer to the question of “why” we want to drink, he is actually telling us that we’re in need of something and we have to find out what it is. I know for myself this past week have been stressful and I accumulated a lot of fatigue. I have to rest, and take it easy… But I use to do that and allow myself to do it with drinks only or almost. So it’s a whole new game. But anyway, that’s my battle of the day lol.
And it’s hard. It’s hard because I guess because “at least” while drinking we were focusing on an action (drinking) and doing some numbed stuff while drunk, so day goes by and the troubles are kind of always pushed away. But today, I still have that focus over drinking/sobriety, but I have now to address the problem, I have now to deal with an “emptiness” in my head, in my stomach and in my hands: I don’t drink anymore. Bad wolf still want to go out but instead we’re trying to make him good by feeding the good wolf… That’s why we need outside ressources. Help from others, programs, plans, anything.
Not my most helpful post I guess. Just relating alot with what you said. Looking for answers myself.
Wish you well
I think we spend so long just hiding and escaping from all this, it simply becomes who we believe we are. But we are not just that version of ourselves. Most folks who have been around for many decades know that there are many versions of who we are…but some of us get stuck in that limited, truncated, dull version. We literally need to lift the veil, clear our cells of the alcohol and unmask ourselves to get out of the easy life of just existing as a person who drinks their life away. Hard and rewarding work.
@WCan. Actually an interesting post. Sometimes posting is a vent of sorts. At least it is for me. Although I would like my posts to be read and responded to. But if not, oh well. It helped me to get it out. I liked your Jekyl/Hyde comparison.
That is scary thinking, no?? Like relapse is imminent. How did you get through it?
as you begin your journey.
