I’ve been dealing with a binge drinking problem for a few years now. Yes, I might go 2-4 days without a drink, but when I do drink (mostly wine) I just can’t seem to stop. More times than not, this leads to blackouts and irrational behaviour.
At the beginning of this year I attacked my boyfriend after an all day bender and he left me. During that time apart I barely drank a thing. We got back together and I though I would be ok, until I lost my job. Then, I started drinking more, ordering alcohol to my house when I’d ran out at 2am. And doing it in private so no one else knew.
All this leads to a party, where my firends and I were drinking at the pub. However, I don’t remember the majority of the evening. I know a few of us went dancing, but I don’t know what we did. The guilt of not knowing what I did, or even if I did anything to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend it eating me up.
I think I was dancing with his friend who came out with us, but my memory is very limited beyond that. I feel sick just thinking about it - what if I did something really bad? What if this friend knows something and I don’t? What if he tells my boyfriend that I did something and I have no idea about it? Or did I even do anything? How do I deal with this?
I’m four days in and the guilty feelings have not shifted. I just can’t recollect what happened or whether I’m just being silly. I know it’s a problem, but it’s hard when you get to a good place and think you’re ok again…still, it’s never the case and I don’t want to feel like this again.
I know these feelings well. I existed in a constant state it’s paranoia Schmitt what would and did happen. Maybe find a community of people who get it - AA, SMART or other programs help many people. AA has helped me stay sober for over 6 months and healing has started.
I completely understand.
Saw a t-shirt I could relate to:
“Blackouts: Cuz what I do when I’m drinking is none of my business.”
I read a scientific article on blackouts and it did stop me from beating my head against the wall trying to remember things I did while drinking. Those memories actually aren’t there, because the alcohol inhibited them from forming in the first place.
Scary, huh?
Like wicked hangovers, fights with loved ones, unexplained bruises, dented cars, it’s another thing to add to the pageantry of drinking.
Be kind to yourself and move forward.
My situation is very similar to yours. Ideally, I would like to be able to have a civilised drink and know when to stop but it just doesn’t seem to be the case for me. Not now and maybe never. The feeling is awful but you aren’t alone and most of us on here have all been there more than once.
I think the best thing to do would to be honest with your partner and say you believe you have an issue with alcohol and want to try and change by giving it up for a while. Try not to think or beat yourself up about the night before, the chances are you didn’t do anything if you haven’t heard by now. Just focus on moving forward and start being honest with yourself and your partner. I know that by being honest with mine it has already lifted guilt off my shoulders for acknowledging my issues and not pretending they don’t exist.
Remember this feeling if you get to the weekend and want to drink.
You got this, just breathe and keep pushing forward! Xx
Literally just signed in tonight to distract myself from crying about the things I did one night that I don’t remember… but others do.
Please don’t beat yourself up! Regardless of what happened all you can do is accept it and move forward there isn’t much you can do about it now but acknowledge the impact continuing to drink like this can have on you and your relationship with loved ones.
My best advice is to stop focusing on what happened (or might have happened) in the past because you no longer have control over that BUT you can control the future… what you do and then subsequently how you will feel as a result.
Sending love and good vibes, so many of us know those feelings and they are probably a contributing factor as to why lots of us are here. You aren’t alone xx
Its horrible when you cannot recall what happened and is one of the big bonuses of sobriety. Try not to beat yourself up, had you done something bad, am sure you would have heard by now. Put it down to experience and channel the feeling into changing your life, and turning your back on alcohol. Use the guilt and shame as fuel for determination to turn your life around. Be strong x
I’ve been there, done that, and never want to go there again. We can’t change the past, but by choosing a different path each and every day, one day at a time, we will never have to have this happen again. What freedom! I love being totally alcohol free!!
Thanks everyone, really appreciate the words. The guilt is still there, five days in. Everyday I worry that someone is going to tell me I’ve done something terrible, or even worse, tell my boyfriend that I’ve done something to hurt him. I spoke to him about the evening yesterday, admitted I can’t keep doing this and that I had no idea what even went down that evening. He rolled his eyes, quite rightly so, and said things have been like that our entire relationship. He is right.
I just wish I could remember something. I don’t think I would have done anything, but I have been known to do very silly things when blackout drunk.
I’m so ashamed. I haven’t touched a drop since, but I don’t know how to move forward from this impending sense of doom is hanging over me - like a guilt cloud.
Is there any way of just telling him those worries you have? Is feeling the dread and guilt worse than lifting this terrible feeling off your shoulders?
Yup… worst fear the next day is getting that one text that says “hey. Do you remember last night?”
The fear is definitely understandable, but ive come to realize that there’s no escaping it. If it happened, it happened, won’t be able to change it. The only thing you can do is apologize (if needed) then put in the work to avoid getting into that same situation.
11 days ago when I decided to go sober, was due to multiple things. One was blacking out and driving, another was my parents saw me in that state of mind, and also cause I was acting a fool in front of my coworkers (I now take a different entrance to work cause I did something really bad to make a coworker uncomfortable). I found out the day after and apologized. Won’t fix our relationship, but now I can start least focus on fixing myself.
Hey, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I know it’s not easy, but you do have to just get up, dust yourself off and move on.
We can’t live whilst always looking over our shoulders.
Learn from this experience and use it as a way to make a better life.
it’s an awful feeling.