My husband came home at 2:30 am. He had a minor accident in his car. No one was hurt, no other vehickes involved. That I know of anyway. I had to pry it out of him. He was trying to sneak in and not tell me.
I always offer him a ride when he goes out drinking. He never takes me up on it. He gets all defensive and mad when I bring up,his drinking.
I get it. I also dont want him to tip toe around me. Honestly the only times I get mad is when I am drunk. I have only been sober this go around for six weeks. I am no angel either. But how should I help? Or should I let it be?
Right now we are avoiding each other a lot because he is drinking and I am not.
He was gone when I got up today. He went to a friends house and is obviously avoiding me. I feel like the drinking/not drinking is tearing us apart. Honestly, I never drank before I met him. Not like it is his fault, but I am worried about everything.
Also, he had a dirt bike accident while drinking about six months ago and seriously injured himself. I am not sure what I can do or say.
I’m looking forward to seeing the advice given here as well.
I’ve never been in your situation. But I’d say stick with the winners and don’t drink just to have a relationship. There are many people that can maintain sobriety with other alcoholics in the home (spouses, roommates, etc). The biggest worry about drinking and driving is that your spouse may harm someone else. The bigger issue is that you can’t reason with someone that doesn’t care.
So, with that, be true to yourself. You are strong, you are capable, you can do this! You are a responsible adult.
One can’t be in the pool and the other not get splashed… Either in or out, it won’t work. So ya gotta choose him or ya sobriety until he wants to be sober also. The rest of the stuff are just excuses youll use to relapse. Love ya and you can’t change that!
It is not like I can just walk out on my husband. We love each other and he is a good person. I don’t want to end the relationship. We have been together since our early 20s.
Even if it were to come to that some day, I have no savings. Even though I have 3 jobs. What I make in a month would barely cover an apartment.
I know that you are trying to help, but it is not that simple. I am not 20 years old talking about my boyfriend. I am talking abouy my life partner who I want to help.
You can stay sober at this difficult time even if he doesn’t. I know this. Many women I know have been in similar situations and done it. Go to a women’s meeting. You’ll see them. Plus, you don’t want to make any big changes so early in your own recovery.
Sorry to hear. You sound frustrated and sad…which is to be expected. It is really hard being in relationship with someone who is drinking.
For myself, I let my husband and his drinking be. Luckily he isn’t out driving (anymore) when drinking. That’s a tough one, the drinking and driving. I know this goes against a lot of folks ideas, but I will say it anyway, can you sit him down … when you are both sober, not hungover, rested and in a good place…and discuss his driving while drinking. Ask if he can call you for a ride instead. He will or he won’t. And 100% that is on him, not you. So if it doesn’t happen, please remember that. But hey, maybe he will take you up on it as opposed to killing himself or someone else. Lord knows I drove drunk way too many times.
For myself, I had to get to the place where I understood my sobriety was 100% my responsibility. My husband is 100% responsible for his drinking or his sobriety. This is a truth. Especially in my early sobriety, my sobriety was the most important thing. Babying my sobriety, clinging to it, making it #1 on my list. In this way, I could lead by example AND I could continue in my sobriety. I had to allow him his own path, as much as this pained me, infuriated me and made me sad and frustrated.
I cannot control his behavior. I can control my own. I kept my focus there.
I love my husband, I don’t love his drinking.
His drinking may or may not change. But for today…my job is to stay sane and sober.
I don’t engage or discuss anything of importance with my husband if he has been drinking, it is not worth an ounce of my energy. I do use his sober and fresh time as time to bring things up we need to discuss, as all married couples do. That would be a time to have the other discussion around his drinking and how it worries you. Just let him know without accusing or making him feel like a bad person. He is a person with a problem. You can still love and care for people even as they make horrible destructive choices.
I don’t do meetings, but I know they can offer support and comfort for many people. Women’s meetings, Al Anon (for family of alcoholics)…perhaps Al Anon might help ease your heart a bit.
Keeping our focus on what we can control…our selves, our sobriety…that can help keep us sober and sane.
I am sorry you are going thru this and glad you reached out. You are not alone.
No you don’t! I managed to stay sober while my husband who’s also an alcoholic continued drinking. We don’t just walk away from the ones we love just because they have a disease.
@Daphnecat I can relate. I continued to live my best sober life while my husband carried on drinking for a year and half. It wasn’t easy at all. We grew apart during that time. There was nothing I could say or do that would change his mind. He had to be ready to want it for himself. I leaned on this forum and AA to vent. Eventually my husband saw how it was tearing us apart and found sobriety. My advice to you is to keep doing what you’re doing to maintain your own sobriety. Wishing you the best and message me anytime.
Thank you Sassyrocks. This is great advice. You are always a big help.
I think I may do something nice for myself today. I am always telling other people to do that.
I have been in your husband’s shoes in this situation. Only difference was my wife never drank to begin with, only me. This comment is from your husband’s perspective.
If I were him, I wouldn’t want you to quit drinking. I know I have a problem, that’s why I’m avoiding you. I’m embarrassed but too proud to admit it. I want things to go back to the way they were. I’m afraid of changing this late into the game. I’m hoping your sobriety is just a phase.
But if it’s not just a phase, if you stay sober and I see how healthier you are, how more productive you are, how sexier you are, I might give it a try. I will start to see that change could be a good thing. I will want what you have.
Keep plugging away @Daphnecat. Be the example, be the person you want to be. Eventually, he will follow. In the meantime, set boundaries, offer support and be patient. And use the resources available!!!
Wish you well!
I must ask as recovering co-dependent, what is this relationship giving you? Are you safe and happy, and if not, why? Do you feel appreciated, valued, loved? What do you want and is it realistic to achieve in this relationship?
Thank you very much for that.
Thank you. That is what I am hoping for! Maybe it can be more fuel for the fire for me to stay sober.
I know that I have been guilty of avoiding people in the past who did not drink when I was drinking. Like pregnant friends…sober people…
Then I saw how much more awesome they became after being sober. And it inspires me.
This is always a good thing!! A walk, a warm tub, a new book, whatever makes you smile. You deserve some pampering for sure. 
I’m sorry your going through this Daphne. It sucks!!
I can’t remember if you’ve seen the thread I started.
My children were addicts. My wife is an alcoholic and it can be really hard to deal with.
Al-Anon saved my life, when my life was unmanageable during my children’s addiction. I’ve used a lot of those tools to become sober. And I’m still using those tools today as my wife will be getting her wine at brunch in a couple of hours today.
The most important thing for me was to take care of myself. It’s really hard some days. I read a lot of
Al-Anon approve literature daily. Alanon.org
I wish I could give you more answers. The thing that helps me the most is.
If I’m focusing on my wife’s drinking.
I’m not focusing on my sobriety.
Yes, thank you. I need to give it a read through. I know we have discussed the drinking spouse issue in the past. It is good to know there are others out there.
The “either, or” argument is a very common suggested solution - but unfortunately it doesn’t always take into account the lives impacted by black & white decisions. Having been on both sides of this scenario, I know the feeling of hopelessness when you are the one making the decision, as well as the intense fear and yearning for grace when you are the one on the other side of the fence. If you love someone and have a history with them, walking away isn’t a viable option. Communication is paramount - sometimes that means waiting for the right time to suggest counseling - but either way, without communication, the event(s) just get swept under the rug. This requires a mindset change, and perhaps eventually you will need to leave this relationship, but cutting the line and walking away doesn’t serve anyone’s needs if you haven’t taken the time to try every option. It took a lot for me to finally see a path forward, and that involved years of marriage counseling and mutual respect for one another. Approach it from a nonjudgmental place of love….no accusations, no finger pointing, no ultimatums…stick to your guns and realize that you are going to feel emotions surrounding this….and that is okay, that is what we are supposed to feel. Resist the urge to numb those feelings, because you have made too much progress thus far. Wish you well 
The Al-Anon website can show you where you can find meetings should you be interested.
Hi Daphne it’s a sticky situation for sure
You mentioned your husband, and that you live together plus you cannot afford your own living situation, so that tells me you been actively involved in this relationship for a period of time and not like your 22 on your 6th boyfriend this year
With sobriety and non sobriety partners it can develop a new kind of difficulty that is unique to its own
I can see both sides of this where as a non drinker you prefer not to engage in activities that center themselves around drinking, where as the drinker can feel like their life has been impinged by his now non drinker wife.
As far as the I’ll pick you up thing, it’s a pride thing, it almost makes you feel like your not capable of maintaining control over yourself to be able to maintain a level that provides you the ability to drive home.
As far as your relationship since you decided to sober up have you “nagged on him” to become a non drinker for a lack of better words? That can push up walls and encourage sneaking around as he may not be done experimenting yet. Also he may fear that his drinking may discourage you from completing your sobriety
Echoing what @Dazercat said Al-Anon may be a option that could be helpful to you,
Things I can tell you to avoid
Ultimatums
We could if you only would do …….
While maintaining respect for yourself and your marriage you can be positive and encourage him to be a non drinker, it’s finding a way, we as alcoholics and addicts the bottle comes first before our kids, our spouse, our job, that’s why in recovery we are told our sobriety first. A suggestion might be a date night, you don’t even have to spend money, even if it’s just sitting at home, Netflix and dinner, you make a night to spend together, this might light a spark in your marriage that you have been missing during the drinking days, be the example of successful non drinking, it may lead him down that path when he’s ready