Hey, so right now I’m really trying hard to avoid using cocaine. Unfortunately, my addiction is really stressing out my dad and he would often complain to me about the damage my addiction is causing for him, which in turn stresses me out as well. The problem is: when I see him stressed out like this because of me, it makes me stressed out which triggers even more cravings and urges which can put me at risk of relapsing again. Today is day 1 for me, so I really gotta avoid feeling stressed out about it as I’m very susceptible to the cravings since I’m very early in the withdrawal phase. Any advice for how to deal with this? I really need someone I can talk to about all of this tbh.
Like I understand why he’s stressed about my cocaine addiction, but I really can’t deal with that sort of stress right now as it actually makes me more susceptible to relapsing when I see the way how he’s feeling because of my cocaine addiction. Ironically, cocaine caused this situation but yet my brain wants me to turn to cocaine to numb the stress I’m feeling because of this.
Sounds like a good topic to bring up at a meeting. Might be a good time to hit one up.
It seems you are having guilt about how your using affects others, which is good. Just don’t let it spiral into shame. Yesterday you seemed very intent on doing whatever it takes to get sober. For many of us that meant going to meetings.
Months from now, Sober “You” will realize that using your dads stress as a reason to use…is nothing more than excuse to use…
Your dads stress…is his stress…it could take a long time of sobriety on your part for his own stress level to go down.
When “normal” people are affected by stressors…they dont turn to drugs an alcohol. This was something I had to learn. Staying clean, will be the only way you learn that.
However, it also sounds like he’s trying to blame his using on his dad.
Ownership is the very first thing that needs doing… then some form of meeting - get connected, then some sort of plan.
This is not about your father, this is all about you… focus on yourself for now. Your actions will help your father more than your words.
Dude I’m not trying to blame my dad for me using AT ALL. I know he’s upset about my using, and I know 100% it’s my fault. I’m simply saying: seeing him stressed because of it, stresses me out because I hate seeing him stressed. Which somehow makes me wanna use to get rid of the stress, even though it caused the stress. I’m trying to understand how to deal with all the fucking emotions I’m feeling.
Edit: sorry if that sounds aggressive. Maybe I’m tripping balls right now because I’m only like a day sober my bad.
I think we can all relate to getting super stressed and super emotional in early days. Especially coming off of stimulants. It is a lot for all of us…feelings, stress…it is part of why we use. This right here is the part you need to get thru. Being stressed and not using. Feeling intensely and not using. It is great that you posted here. Keep doing that or take a walk or a shower or go to sleep or put in your earbuds and listen to music or get to a meeting IRL or zoom. Find other ways to move that stress thru your body (walking / dancing were some of my faves). It is hard and you are doing it. You just need to get thru today. You can do that. Plus…drink more water. Sending hugs. Do not give in.
For me drinking was my coping strategy.
So when I had stress, sadness, irritation, whatever it where all reasons to drink to feel better.
When I quit drinking I knew I had to find a replacement for that and that was a hard nut to crack.
I found multiple things that helped me. One of them is learning to talk about what bothers me so I could get the edge off. I found new hobbies to get myself distracted and get energy from.
And chocolat was a to go to as well instead of drinking
This place helped me a lot as well. I came here every day to check in sober. You find this thread here: Checking in daily to maintain focus #64 Feel free to join if you like.
I think in recovery we all need people around us who understands where you are going trough and can help you if you need some.
That can only be people who are addicted themselves. So find your tribe!
Here (TS), AA/NA, rehab, recovery dharma, smart recovery, etc.
And for the stress? Sorry but that will stick around for a while. No matter what your dad does. Quitting your habit is stress no matter what. It gives stress to body and mind so that’s why you have to be prepared to put in a lot of work. I would recomment reading here: What's YOUR plan? and here Resources for our recovery In the last thread you will find all the good books about recovery and podcasts and all other way to support you in the years this forum is alive. It’s a true treasure!
I hope you will find your way in recovery as I did.
Be well
For the first point, there’s a lot of useful threads and relatable stories on these forums that can help a lot more than anything I can suggest off the top of my head (it’s late here). But to summarize, there are a few broad categories to brainstorm within:
Processing: Finding perspectives that help. Mindfulness. Body scans. Expressing how you feel. Examining what you feel without judging it or needing it to make sense.
Coping: Finding ways to feel a little bit better or less intense. Sensory experiences like scents, showers, baths, exercising, being outdoors.
Distracting: When you just need to buy time until the worst of it passes. Gaming, movies, TV shows, chatting with a family member or roommate about whatever, busting out housework or paperwork that’s been hanging over your head. Researching a cause you care about. Volunteering, anything from a chore or odd job up to an actual volunteer position somewhere that you feel a connection to.
(Actually these latter things focusing on other people are a good way of gaining perspective too. Thinking about your situation is important, but getting swallowed up in it is unhealthy).
For the second point, unfortunately it’s your dad’s journey, and just as it’s for you to navigate your recovery, it’s for him to navigate his stress. You obviously care about him a lot, but you’ll need to reserve most of your energy for your own efforts to stay clean. What you can do is let him know you care, and/or encourage him to seek out support from others if he needs it (Dazercat’s suggestion of Nar-Anon/Al-Anon is a great one, if that’s something your dad would find helpful)
It’s really common for family members of addicts to feel like their struggle isn’t a priority or isn’t valid, because they compare it to the stakes and the challenges experienced by the family member in addiction. He should know that it is a valid struggle, and managing it is good for both of you, not a selfish act.
However, if you talk to him, don’t criticise how he is currently dealing with it – it is not for us to judge, and you aren’t aware of everything behind the scenes in his situation. For him to tell you how your addiction affects him, is not wrong even if it stresses you out. To me it’s actually a sign of healthy communication — what he’s saying is relevant, and expressing his feelings and needs. If his communication was not expressive but intentionally manipulative, it might be a different story. But that pattern, the fact that he’s communicating transparently with you about his difficulties, is a prosocial pattern of problem-solving and collaboration, even if that’s not consciously his thought process.
I don’t they meant you were doing this on purpose or anything. But it’s absolutely how addiction works. We come up with any reason why we need drink/use/etc. The addiction brain is so sneaky and cunning and has a lot of control over us even when we don’t want it.
I too interpreted your post as your addiction telling you it’s your dad’s stress that makes you use so it’s not your fault. That doesn’t mean we think you’re a bad person…it means you are an addicted person.
Listen to what EnglishD said above….get yo a meeting and share what your feelings are and they will be able to share with you their own experience. Learn from those who have experienced it and how they handled it.
As well, recognizing that this is what your addiction brain does helps you to be prepared for it when that voice starts trying to convince you to use.
Thanks everyone, I haven’t read all the replies just yet because I feel really low on energy and focus and feeling kinda moody, but I have a plan written out today to stay sober
Yesterday, I got a Cocaine Anonymous sponsor and decided that I’m going to seriously attend meetings every day, whatever it takes to get sober at this point as I’ve been kinda alienated from my last surviving friend group due to how I always talk about drugs and obsess over drugs. I attended a SMART Recovery meeting as well and studied a SMART Recovery topic.
Today I’m gonna workout for a bit, then go to the mall and get a haircut, new shoes, new clothes, and then join a SMART Recovery meeting, a Cocaine Anonymous meeting, study a SMART Recovery topic, then see my Cocaine Anonymous sponsor at 9:00 PM today. I’m planning on buying the “Big Book” he talks about as well. I’m excited to buy new shoes/clothes/haircut because I’ve been slacking on those things lately due to my addiction taking up all my time, energy, and funds. My clothes/shoes are in bad shape and my hair is really long because of the self-care neglect due to drug use, so I look kinda trashy right now lol.
I’m thinking of learning to play an electric guitar during my time getting sober as a new hobby. I had many dreams last night of me learning to play an electric guitar and I think it’s something that interests me. Unfortunately, I also had many dreams of snorting cocaine last night as well, but when I woke up today I saw on Instagram a friend getting married which makes me not wanna do cocaine and instead get my life together. Looking forward to the future ahead, even though my mood is kinda all over the place at the moment!
Your going to do well. Stress is a vicious animal. This brings to mind a cat or dog fight. If your willing to get in the way of the fight then it’s on.
If it’s a stress cycle, then stop, get off, at least for the day. And watch it settle. Then do that again the next day.
As long as I try to stay sober. I won’t have to be mad at myself for not trying.
Dad’s and Mom’s stress. That’s the job. But, at least know this, the way i see it, your Dad isn’t letting you do it on your own
That’s love my friend. Pure love
Be well my friend
Do it, today only then the next day only.
It’s when i get ahead of myself that i leave my self behind
Sounds like you’re going to get a lot of utility out of your CA meetings and your sponsor
Focus for now on not using. Your sponsor will guide you through the steps. You may find it beneficial to put a little space between you and your Dad while you’re working some things out for yourself. Cocaine is seemingly a big wedge between the two of you - if you put some space between you for a couple weeks at the very least and can show him you’re making an effort, that’s typically what people want to see and the tension will start to lessen. Check in with him of course so he knows you’re okay but sometimes a little peace and quiet can do the world of good. Sometimes people just need a little break from each other especially when there’s a clear bone of contention there that both people are poking at.
