I definitely need to have it stop before it gets any worse. I am beyond embarrassed and really don’t like the monster that I have become. I think stopping drinking will allow me to work on everything without the blurred affects of alcohol
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I have tried and it worked I just need to do it again.
I definitely need to regain control and sort any underlying issues without alcohol being involved
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I think some of it was emotions that i wasnt dealing with when sober and repressing coming out when i drank, im working on those now but still wont be going back to drinking ever, i know exactly how your feeling its horrible so im sending you a massive hug…whats done is done…dont stay in the embarrassment and beating yourself up…say your sorries then forgive yourself and plough all that energy into your sobriety…make it your top priority…those closest that youve hurt will know thats not you but by staying sober they in time will see that u mean business…im 6 months now and many that ive hurt are now really proud of me
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Alcohol can affect different people in different ways but often not for the better. If you do not like who you can become after drinking then toy are making the right choice. Alcohol never did anyone any good really…
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There’s a wonderful community of support here. I hope you’ll continue to read and reach out. Acknowledging pain is often the first and most difficult step. I applaud you.
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Personally, it took me a thousand times to say I’m not going to be that monster this time when I drink. I’ll switch to a different beer, wine or liquor. Rather the occasion was joyous, sad or neutral it was just a matter of time before alcohol turned me right back into Mr. Hyde. One drinking episode I would be completely ok , so to speak and the next one I would be destroying everything I find dear in my life.
I had to surrender to my higher power, and stop making alcohol my higher power. I became a slave to alcohol.
I’d rather now have my worse day sober, than my best day as an alcoholic.
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Hi Chapple! I noticed you joined this community three years ago. Don’t let another three years go by and be in the same boat. If you’ve had success before with getting sober, do whatever you did back then to support yourself in sobriety and add other tools. This community is fantastic, and many others share your story.
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I was just like you when I was drinking, I said hurtful things and occasionally I was violent. I had to get sober and try a new way of life that humility, gratitude, and honesty were a part of
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That’s definitely true. It will need to go a bit deeper than just stopping though: you will have to dig into your habits and your mentality, your psychology, your escape patterns (having been addicted to anything, including alcohol, means you were escaping - and until you learn to stop escaping, you’ll keep struggling with the alcohol, or with some other addiction).
Your opening post here, on this thread, is almost identical to your very first post on Talking Sober, in July 2020:
There’s a reason why the pattern repeated. There was no fundamental change of your emotional and mental landscape.
It’s like a river flowing. The river will always flow over the easiest route, it will follow gravity through the channels it has created over its history (just like we create patterns and “channels” of behaviours over our drinking or using careers). It is possible to change the flow of the river and therefore change the negative patterns, but it takes engineering and building dams and levees and chutes and other new structures, which will redirect the river.
The new structures you build, to re-route your mental and emotional (and behavioural) river, are built (and maintained over time) by learning about your addiction and your recovery, and by continuing that learning (you don’t stop - life is a learning journey). (You are an addict. We all are. It’s not something you need to feel ashamed of. I am diabetic. I’m not ashamed of that either. It just means I need to change my relationship with food. We addicts who choose to recover, who choose to change our emotional and mental and behavioural patterns, need to learn how to change and to end our relationship with our addiction substance.)
You are building a new way of living and thinking, and to do that you will need to educate yourself. This thread has good resources to get you started, groups and books and podcasts and others:
Keep at it, keep in touch here on Talking Sober, don’t isolate and don’t stop communicating, especially when you don’t feel like it (which is usually the times you need it the most). Pay attention to HALT - are you Hungry? Angry/resentful? Lonely? Tired? - because those are warning signs, and when you feel those, you should reach out to share (here or in another recovery place).
Don’t give up. Take it one day at a time. That’s all it is, you’re making choices today. You’re not making choices for tomorrow, just today.
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At some point in my life I just decided that the only way to stop any of the negative consequences of my drinking was to stop drinking.
As long as I say no the first drink I will win every single time.
You dont have to think about forever though, just think today is a good day not to drink. Eventually the days add up and you look back and realize you are free and happy.
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Welcome back Emma.
Posting on the check in thread every single day is a great form of accountability. Here’s a link to get you started.
Checking in daily to maintain focus #52
I can assure you that monster will return if you start drinking again. The only way to keep that monster at bay, is to never pick up another drink. But don’t think about the future at this point. All we have is today and today I will join you in being sober.
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The shame of our behaviors is the worst of it! Welcome to this community! Use this platform daily!
Even when you think you are fine- check in here.
There is freedom on the other side!
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Thank you everyone who has shared their stories with me.
I know this is the right thing to do and thank you for reaching out
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Feeling pretty ok today to be honest I’m finding it extremely easy to not drink at all I think how I was the other day has absolutely scared me so much that it’s not even in my mind right now.
I have booked in with a counsellor to get to the root of it and I’ve started to write everything down so I can keep track day to day how I am and what I need to do etc.
thanks for checking in.
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My pleasure. Keep us posted 
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I was the same when i drank and was violent to my partner and said the most horrible things to him- i always used an excuse and always went back to the drink
For whatever reason the last time it happened something chnaged and i knew i had to quit or else i would lose everything that i loved
The guilt will be there for a little bit yet but use it to help you heal and remember that when your drunk its not the real you. Be kind to yourself and one day at a time 
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@Chapple How you feel today? I’m new here too, I made the same decision for the same reasons, I become a monster, the traumas, the depression, the circumstances that led me to be that violent person which I am not in sober and real life, have made yes I said enough! No more drama, no more shame, no more blackout! Keep us updated! 
hug from italy:people_hugging:
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Couple of hours off day 5 now. Got offered a wine last night and for the first time it was an easy no.
For me the occasional wine etc was never a problem but the one incident that happened was enough for me to decide even that one wine isn’t worth it.
How are you feeling?
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for me the occasional wine was a problem, it was never a glass or two, maybe I started the evening for an aperitif with friends and ended the evening with different people also using cocaine, if I managed to sleep two hours that was already a lot otherwise I would go straight to work. You feel it when you hit the bottom when it’s time to say enough, I’m proud of you for saying NO and especially for your 5th day. I send you a hug. Denise
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