I have never had the issue of being dependent on alcohol. I am able to go day by day with not drinking or drinking very little.
The issue I have is who I become on some occasions when I drink too much.
I become a monster. Someone even I’m not familiar with. I say extremely hurtful things and recently have actually got violent. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour. I have hurt the ones I love the most.
I have ruined a beautiful relationship with my partner. I have hurt her in ways I didn’t even think I was capable of.
I need this to stop.
I need to be the girl I am 90% of the time.
I need to get rid of this monster that is lurking.
I need to regain control.
I need this to be the first day of becoming accountable and stopping drinking until I am in a better place.
Not only for myself but for the ones I love.
…
This is day 1
No matter you are active and you can bear your day by day alcohol convert ourselves in some kind of puppet. We are under its threads and we are not who really we are.
We have to cut the threads and enjoy your life. There is no necessity of more suffer and pain, no more explanation about our awful behaviour the night before and so on.
We deserve to be free of the booze dictatorship that convert us in drunk phantoms.
The person one becomes after drinking can feel so alien. The surest way to keep that alien at bay is to not drink. Have you tried to stop before? What did you do before and what can you add this time around?
I was exactly the same, became the total opposite of the person i am when i drank, i too said horrrid things to those i love also became violent…at first i was like you where it didnt happen daily or anything but i truly believe the guilt and shame i felt about how i was when drunk eventually contributed to me wanting to escape my feelings and eventually over time i did become a daily drinker and so everything became so much worse, i think your decision to stop now is a very wise one and one i wish id taken sooner
I definitely need to have it stop before it gets any worse. I am beyond embarrassed and really don’t like the monster that I have become. I think stopping drinking will allow me to work on everything without the blurred affects of alcohol
I have tried and it worked I just need to do it again.
I definitely need to regain control and sort any underlying issues without alcohol being involved
I think some of it was emotions that i wasnt dealing with when sober and repressing coming out when i drank, im working on those now but still wont be going back to drinking ever, i know exactly how your feeling its horrible so im sending you a massive hug…whats done is done…dont stay in the embarrassment and beating yourself up…say your sorries then forgive yourself and plough all that energy into your sobriety…make it your top priority…those closest that youve hurt will know thats not you but by staying sober they in time will see that u mean business…im 6 months now and many that ive hurt are now really proud of me
Alcohol can affect different people in different ways but often not for the better. If you do not like who you can become after drinking then toy are making the right choice. Alcohol never did anyone any good really…
There’s a wonderful community of support here. I hope you’ll continue to read and reach out. Acknowledging pain is often the first and most difficult step. I applaud you.
Personally, it took me a thousand times to say I’m not going to be that monster this time when I drink. I’ll switch to a different beer, wine or liquor. Rather the occasion was joyous, sad or neutral it was just a matter of time before alcohol turned me right back into Mr. Hyde. One drinking episode I would be completely ok , so to speak and the next one I would be destroying everything I find dear in my life.
I had to surrender to my higher power, and stop making alcohol my higher power. I became a slave to alcohol.
I’d rather now have my worse day sober, than my best day as an alcoholic.
Hi Chapple! I noticed you joined this community three years ago. Don’t let another three years go by and be in the same boat. If you’ve had success before with getting sober, do whatever you did back then to support yourself in sobriety and add other tools. This community is fantastic, and many others share your story.
I was just like you when I was drinking, I said hurtful things and occasionally I was violent. I had to get sober and try a new way of life that humility, gratitude, and honesty were a part of
That’s definitely true. It will need to go a bit deeper than just stopping though: you will have to dig into your habits and your mentality, your psychology, your escape patterns (having been addicted to anything, including alcohol, means you were escaping - and until you learn to stop escaping, you’ll keep struggling with the alcohol, or with some other addiction).
Your opening post here, on this thread, is almost identical to your very first post on Talking Sober, in July 2020:
There’s a reason why the pattern repeated. There was no fundamental change of your emotional and mental landscape.
It’s like a river flowing. The river will always flow over the easiest route, it will follow gravity through the channels it has created over its history (just like we create patterns and “channels” of behaviours over our drinking or using careers). It is possible to change the flow of the river and therefore change the negative patterns, but it takes engineering and building dams and levees and chutes and other new structures, which will redirect the river.
The new structures you build, to re-route your mental and emotional (and behavioural) river, are built (and maintained over time) by learning about your addiction and your recovery, and by continuing that learning (you don’t stop - life is a learning journey). (You are an addict. We all are. It’s not something you need to feel ashamed of. I am diabetic. I’m not ashamed of that either. It just means I need to change my relationship with food. We addicts who choose to recover, who choose to change our emotional and mental and behavioural patterns, need to learn how to change and to end our relationship with our addiction substance.)
You are building a new way of living and thinking, and to do that you will need to educate yourself. This thread has good resources to get you started, groups and books and podcasts and others:
Keep at it, keep in touch here on Talking Sober, don’t isolate and don’t stop communicating, especially when you don’t feel like it (which is usually the times you need it the most). Pay attention to HALT - are you Hungry? Angry/resentful? Lonely? Tired? - because those are warning signs, and when you feel those, you should reach out to share (here or in another recovery place).
Don’t give up. Take it one day at a time. That’s all it is, you’re making choices today. You’re not making choices for tomorrow, just today.
At some point in my life I just decided that the only way to stop any of the negative consequences of my drinking was to stop drinking.
As long as I say no the first drink I will win every single time.
You dont have to think about forever though, just think today is a good day not to drink. Eventually the days add up and you look back and realize you are free and happy.
Welcome back Emma.
Posting on the check in thread every single day is a great form of accountability. Here’s a link to get you started. Checking in daily to maintain focus #52
I can assure you that monster will return if you start drinking again. The only way to keep that monster at bay, is to never pick up another drink. But don’t think about the future at this point. All we have is today and today I will join you in being sober.
Feeling pretty ok today to be honest I’m finding it extremely easy to not drink at all I think how I was the other day has absolutely scared me so much that it’s not even in my mind right now.
I have booked in with a counsellor to get to the root of it and I’ve started to write everything down so I can keep track day to day how I am and what I need to do etc.
thanks for checking in.
