“That’s what I’m terrified of. When I’m alone and unaccountable.”
Thank you for verbalizing this. I think a lot of people can relate. I 100% do and feeling unaccountable when being alone is one of my triggers: just the feeling of release.
As for me, feeling nervous as I have an appointment in 3 hrs to seek profesional help. But this quote here is helping me to prepare for said appointment.
Anyways: good luck, stay strong, keep course.
Hi @Thelittlewaterdog thank you so much for your wonderful reply. I really needed to hear that, more than you’ll ever know - thank you. I’ve never thought of it as self harm but it’s actually exactly what it is. It’s crazy, why do we do this to ourselves? I always thought of it as indulging to an excess, and I guess it is that too, but it really is self harm.
It feels good to be able to talk about it and to shine a light on it, and then to be welcomed and embraced. I’m honestly overwhelmed by the responses on here. Thank you so much again.
Hey @f_f I’m so happy I was able to articulate something that was meaningful to you. It’s also something that is very central to our issue - being unaccountable when I’m left alone. I’m so proud of you that you went to seek professional help - please tell me how it went? Did you talk about the emotions you feel when you are left alone?
Hey @Nyc01850 
That’s the thing ; what you’re addicted to is just the outcome, the source is the same as always. Again, I think what you’ve done by writing that first post is so brave because your particular addiction has convinced you that you personally are dirty or shameful… and you’re not. X These addictions frighten and bully us all into keeping them secret, they’re like parasites…it’s been whispering to you over and over again that you don’t deserve to be happy and you’ve been hurting yourself. 
Plain and simple.
The more I thought about your situation, the more cruel it seemed, not shameful or dirty. Porn has nothing to do with love or intimacy, it reduces a beautiful thing meant to provide comfort and enjoyment, into an empty and degrading event that gives a moments gratification…your demon teamed that up with a substance that would horribly prolong the feeling - it’s just cruel.
You can beat this, you really can 
. Keep telling yourself how utterly cruel this addiction has been to you… and never, ever feel ashamed of yourself again - the minute you get that thing in your head that you’re dirty or disgusting it’ll claw its way back in.
We’re all made of stardust… You too. Xxx
Hey @anon86726034 well firstly I just want to thank you so much again for taking the time to read about my situation and to give your thoughtful response and advice. I would have never thought I would have received the embracing responses I have had on posting this and to get your amazing insight - I love this community and I look forward to continue being an active participant.
I have literally saved what you have written so I can re read it during the day. It’s so true how the sin occurs first in the mind way before any of the actual physical activity. There have been times in the past where the decision gets made and the relapse has already happened. I love your example about smoking in the car and how the mind gets use to the routine. How you described thought turning to emotion - I’ve never thought of it like that before. When you have a consciousness about the overall process, you’re able to almost detach yourself from what’s happening and look at yourself objectively, from the outside, and just know that this is part of the cycle, just a part in the addiction ‘dance’. With time this routine will hopefully break and a new routine is formed, one that is aligned with the new path. I’ve been reading spiritual books which have spoken about the same thing - be conscious of the mind (or the ego as a lot of books call it), just be the observer of it, the watcher. I’ve found that to be particularly effective, but its one where you need to be vigilant. I also try not to think too much about the days ahead, as that can make me feel overwhelmed, but just the present moment - ‘just for today’ as they say.
Thank you so much again brother. You’ve really helped me, more than you’ll ever know. I’m in my thirties, and you’re absolutely right about the health concerns with coke. Thank God I never had any heart attacks, but I would always think about it. Imagine if my girlfriend came home and found me like this if I had one that just took me out. I would think that a lot. But the addiction mind is relentless. I would even have sessions where I would also take Viagra (I’m embarrassed to admit - just for the porn) and for those times I really felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Why do we do this self harm? It’s crazy.
Was there any addiction literature that was a game changer for you? Please recommend if so - as you advised, I’m looking to delve into the literature and finally create a new routine and a new life for me. Thank you so much again.
Hi. Thanks for encouraging me to share (I’m mostly like a clam… never ever talk about deep personal thoughts).
So, how did it go?
Since I’m writing this, might as well share some more about my situation.
On retrospective I’ve always had a relationship with alcohol that bordered the unhealthy, but you can say still within “normal” social behavior; in other words, heavy drinker but nothing noticeable or much different than most people. However, the past 1,5 years have been completely different. The same time period coincides with me starting drinking again after having bariatric surgery aprox a year after (lost over 75 lbs / 35 kgs of weight). So the first year after surgery almost no drinking due to doctors’ orders but then, started “normal life again”.
What the psychiatrist told me is that not only does your digestive/endocrine systems undergo dramatic metabolic changes, but the brain chemistry changes as well. And since these types of surgeries are sort of new, they are still finding out new things. One of these is that people that previously had / displayed unhealthy habits with addictive substances (alcohol, marijuana, nicotine, other drugs, etc) show dramatic increases of addiction. And, because “mental health” is not a priority when developing these procedures, they are understanding now that patients need a lot more psychological, psychiatric evaluation and follow up.
Now, to be clear, i still consider myself an alcoholic (that was tough to write). I’m not using this in any way as an excuse. I still need to abstain, understand my motivations, and recover.
Next steps: complete physical checkup, therapy, and integrate my wife into the process (which I’m VERY nervous to do).
Thanks for listening.
(This is my post when felt like hit rock bottom and re-entered this app and for help:
Reality checked)
I think shame is a feeling a lot of us have. No matter how ‘normal’ or ‘weird’ the addiction. I can’t really help you and your situation but I can tell you that you are not alone. So many of us feel this shame, and for me personally, trying to work through the shame has been so rewarding. I think you talking to us about it is such a great step in the right direction!
You are so strong, and even though the shame is so strong, you do not need the be ashamed of yourself. I am proud of you for trying again and again, and I have faith you will beat this addiction once and for all!
Thanks for sharing your story, you are not alone
“Make the mistake of identifying with The feelings of anxiety that they have from the thoughts as they fight and grapple with them and their addiction. Any time we identify with the mind’s bullying we run the risk of become subject to its will. Do not identify with the reminders that your mind is giving you. every reminder is an opportunity for you to change that part of your mind. That is where we draw the line in the Sand and we do not give up an inch to the enemy”
OMG…This describes my insanity to a T!
I was sober for over 1.5yrs then fell prisoner to my growing “needs”. I have a sad relapse story but reading this thread and understanding my thoughts puts things into perspective much better!
I really felt for you @Nyc01850 reading your post,I think you’re extremely brave for sharing and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of,I can’t offer much advice but can send you some support and as others have said you’re not alone 
Mate when what your write makes as much sense as that did I would be happy to read your,“ramblings,” all day 
I love reading your posts Kevin! Thank you for the time and effort you give to writing them! If you enjoyed Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now, have you read his book A New Earth…? It’s AMAZING! I would say the single most greatest and important book of my lifetime thus far! Haha #epic I know. I’d recommend it to anyone, especially if in recovery… from any addiction. And if you’re really keen in getting deep into this spiritiual practice of his, the power of now, being and living in the present moment, he has a podcast series with Oprah that is 10sessions long, one for each chapter of the book, where they delve deep into discussion around his teachings and practice and ideas given throughout the book A New Earth. it’s on her SuperSoulSunday podcast. I’m a bit of a podcast freak haha love em, there’s so much wisdom and enlightenment just by hearing ppl talk about new and interesting ideas and ways to approach the lives we live. 
Loved reading what your wrote about Bob Marley here too and his One Love expression, so interesting an makes so much sense. If only we all operated according to his OneLove OneFamily philosophy, the world would probably be a less broken, more loving place. Thanks for that.
@Thelittlewaterdog thank you so much for your beautiful post. I’ve read what you wrote several times and i feel like it totally changes the energy o the situation - from self hate to self love. Thank you so much for taking the time to describe it like that and offer me a brand new perspective. I’m going to try to adopt that kind of thinking xx
Don’t be ashamed at all. I don’t think any different of you, and why should you worry about what we think? We’ve got your back and we are here to support you, chat to us whenever you need to get something off your chest. There are a few reformed porn addicts around here (both boys and girls) and you’re not alone. A good first step is admitting to yourself that you need to change. Go easy on yourself though, you are not the bad guy, you are your own savour - time to treat yourself with the real love and care that you need 
Hey @anon86726034 thank you so much again brother. When I first came on here to post I felt so alone and isolated and I just needed to yell about my situation. The act of actually posting about it was a relief because it was finally out there. Although I’m still of course anonymous and no one yet knows in my personal life, it was a good first step. But to have had the embracing responses I’ve had feels so amazing - It really lifted me when I felt so alone and down, and I feel in a weird way a bit more accountable to all the good people who took the time to write to me and help me.
I really want to thank you especially Kevin. I can see that you are so experienced and conscious in this battlefield of addiction and I want you to know that you taking the time to answer my posts and replies has had a profound impact on me. I can’t thank you enough - I promise you I will hopefully pay it forward by being able to one day do the same on here to someone who (like me) needs it.
Coming back to the main points in your reply- I love Bob Marley and I love your definition of One Love - totally agree. I love the Power of Now - well done for spotting that in the words I was using! I think I might re read that again actually, it’s literally one of my bedside table books. I’ve just downloaded the Naked Mind on audible, the author reads it herself and it sounds awesome. I will also look into Refuge Recovery - it sounds very interesting. I certainly have caused suffering through my addiction and I think I will need to come to terms with this for myself. The first definitely being the intimacy in my relationship which has suffered. I can actually also start to think of lots of other examples. Not being present in certain relationships. Being there but not actually there. I have a lot to make up for, and I pray that by redirecting my energy and focus from my addiction and it’s ritual, I can hopefully enjoy a brand new chapter with my girlfriend, my family and friends. That’s my goal and that’s why I’m doing this (which is ultimately of course for me).
I will meditate on what is the actual pay off I have made myself believe from doing this. I’ll also listen to that joe rogan episode too - it sounds interesting. And you’re right what ever I think the pay off is it most certainly is as 2 dimensional as my computer screen! (Thank you for making me laugh!) But in all seriousness, my first thoughts on this are as follows: it’s an escapism, and it’s a source of sexual pleasure and high. I read somewhere that addiction comes about when a part of your life is being neglected. My situation completely turned into a vicious cycle - my intimate life suffered and was neglected due to my addiction and I used my addiction to compensate for that which only made everything a million times worse. You captured how porn can descend into a darker and darker place perfectly. Add coke use to that and it’s even worse x100. The bit I struggle to understand is it is clearly such a blatant act of self harm, so why do we keep returning to it? Why do we do this to ourselves?
A lot to think and meditate on. I’m trying to be the watcher and unjudgemental witness of my mind, the ego, live in the present moment, and focus on the new today and my new chapter. Thank you so much again brother - big love to you. #OneLove
Thank you so much for your reply @Lavender. I’m so grateful for being embraced and not feeling so alone and isolated. Posting here has been so liberating. Thank you so much again
You have already shown tremendous growth and you are so open to listening to what people have said and seeing how you can adapt it to your own individual situation, I honestly find it refreshing and I genuinely look forward to seeing your continued growth. It’s an inspiration to put even more in to my own journey. Thanks for being here 
Hey @anon13078412 thank you so much brother! It was so wonderful to read that amazing feedback. Whatever benefit I thought I would get by posting or participating in this community, I never thought it would have had the effect it’s had on me. I’ve felt more connected and understood by the people on here than I have had in my ‘real’ life for a long time (which is my fault and of course massively in part to my secret addiction which alienated me).
I’m so happy that I managed to inspire through interacting on this thread - you’ve made my day by telling me that. And I would like to thank you personally again @anon13078412 - I remember when I wrote this post. I was bursting to talk about my horrible and secret situation. I remember how I felt and how I was craving to be understood and to be connected to someone who maybe even had been there. You were the first person to reply and I’ll never forget the feeling I had in reading your response. Thank you for helping brother - I’ll never forget it.
Don’t beat yourself up over keeping it secretive in face to face life as most people may not understand. That’s why places like this and aa,na,SAA etc are great, because only a fellow addict can understand a fellow addict
