I have finally accepted that I can't do this without support

10/12/2022 - 8 am - 3rd Day

The first and second day, my mindset was “I can do it this time. I’m really curious about how different I’m going to feel, and if I will be able to think better once the brain fog clears. I wonder what life would be like if I quit.”
I’m trying to peice together exactly how long I’ve been drinking and smoking. I quit all of it for about 3 years since the age of 21, and I’m 39, so that makes… 15 years I’ve abused my body, my organs with this poison.
I just actually typed that… 15 years.
I feel very ashamed and sad about that.
The 3 years I was clean, when I was a fitness trainer, I remember it being an easy decision. I was with someone who smoked like that movie Dazed and Confused, from wakeup to sundown, and I had gained 100 pounds… and lost it all when I left him. I felt free. I was surrounded by healthy people that I worked with, and exercised a lot. So it was easy.
A client invited me out, and I went and had a great time. I felt I could control it, but looking back, I couldn’t.
I felt in control for the most part after that. It’s funny how you look back and see things honestly as time goes on.
The last 3 years, I’ve been drinking at least every weekend, and smoking off and on for months at a time. I definitely qualify as a binge drinker and marijuana user, drinking between 3 - 6 drinks Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Hangovers have been more frequent. I don’t have the motivation or energy that I used to, to go to the gym anymore, tho I’ve gone 2-3 times a week in the last few weeks. I’ve been blaming that on age, but I know after listening to podcasts the last two days that it is also due to … My addiction.
It’s weird saying that.
I have an addiction. I need help.
Today, I feel like I can still quit, that’s not the hard part of why I’m venting here.
I resigned my toxic job last week. I should be working right now. I’m sick with a cold. I’m sitting here venting when I should be working.
All I wanna do is cry though.
I feel this huge buildup of emotion in my chest. I’m scared, sad, depressed, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I’m the one a lot of people look up to. I’m successful, work hard normally, and always give advice when asked. But I’m in a lot of emotional pain that I need to figure out.
I can’t numb it anymore.
I just want to be healthy and happy.

Thanks for reading.

8 Likes

Hi Seri! Welcome to TS! Lots and lots of support here. I’m 47 and in the best shape of my life. 19 months sober.

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Welcome Seri and congratulations on your 3 days. And a huge congratulations on realizing you need support. This place is filled with support. I’ve tried quitting my booze many many times over many many years. I could never do it because I never had support. Well, because of all the support here I’ve received and freely given away. My God. And my gratitude practice, and my knowledge of addiction. I’m doing it this time. You can too.
Have a good read around. Join in when you’re comfortable.
Here are two good threads to start:

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Hello and welcome. You’re in a good place with great people. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You will get through this because you realise you cannot do it alone and that’s half the battle. Best wishes to you

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