10/12/2022 - 8 am - 3rd Day
The first and second day, my mindset was “I can do it this time. I’m really curious about how different I’m going to feel, and if I will be able to think better once the brain fog clears. I wonder what life would be like if I quit.”
I’m trying to peice together exactly how long I’ve been drinking and smoking. I quit all of it for about 3 years since the age of 21, and I’m 39, so that makes… 15 years I’ve abused my body, my organs with this poison.
I just actually typed that… 15 years.
I feel very ashamed and sad about that.
The 3 years I was clean, when I was a fitness trainer, I remember it being an easy decision. I was with someone who smoked like that movie Dazed and Confused, from wakeup to sundown, and I had gained 100 pounds… and lost it all when I left him. I felt free. I was surrounded by healthy people that I worked with, and exercised a lot. So it was easy.
A client invited me out, and I went and had a great time. I felt I could control it, but looking back, I couldn’t.
I felt in control for the most part after that. It’s funny how you look back and see things honestly as time goes on.
The last 3 years, I’ve been drinking at least every weekend, and smoking off and on for months at a time. I definitely qualify as a binge drinker and marijuana user, drinking between 3 - 6 drinks Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Hangovers have been more frequent. I don’t have the motivation or energy that I used to, to go to the gym anymore, tho I’ve gone 2-3 times a week in the last few weeks. I’ve been blaming that on age, but I know after listening to podcasts the last two days that it is also due to … My addiction.
It’s weird saying that.
I have an addiction. I need help.
Today, I feel like I can still quit, that’s not the hard part of why I’m venting here.
I resigned my toxic job last week. I should be working right now. I’m sick with a cold. I’m sitting here venting when I should be working.
All I wanna do is cry though.
I feel this huge buildup of emotion in my chest. I’m scared, sad, depressed, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I’m the one a lot of people look up to. I’m successful, work hard normally, and always give advice when asked. But I’m in a lot of emotional pain that I need to figure out.
I can’t numb it anymore.
I just want to be healthy and happy.
Thanks for reading.
