I hate myself today. Most days really. I often convince myself that this was the last time, never again and that I could easily be sober.
Be it one hour or two days. When I get the chance to drink and do coke I just justify it so easily that I don’t even recognize that I’m betraying what I just said.
Why is it so hard? And why is this another “day one” that I’m convinced that this is going to be easy??
Does it mean that I’m not ready?? That I don’t want to get sober??
Please… Just someone
Hi, just wanted to stop by and say I hear you. I struggle with alcohol only now, but at one point when I was thinking the same thing you just typed I asked myself “do I still enjoy the buzz/high?” “Maybe I’m not ready, and that’s ok. I don’t need to beat myself up for using again. Because if it really bothered me enough to stop then I would, so I’m just not ready and that’s ok.” Also, I noticed that I was avoiding feeling or facing something, maybe emotions or anxieties. I haven’t figured out yet what it is for myself though. Every time I want to drink I ask myself “Do you remember how you felt afterwards/the next day? Is the pleasure you know you’ll have worth that?” Sometimes I tell myself yes, the shitty/nauseous/anxious feeling the next day is worth the fix I want now. Sometimes it’s not. Eventually you’ll believe the fix isn’t worth the shitty feelings. But until then try making peace with your habit. Having one less thing to feel bad about is kind of relieving. I’m not a praying kind of person, but sending you all the invisible good vibes I can.
I’ve been where you are and I hated myself sometimes. For me it was a 2 ore 3 days circle for a while, day one was the day when I woke up after a night of drinking “my” wine. When I woke up with a hangover and hoping I could remember all I’ve said and done that evening I decided to quit. That day I won’t drink. But the second day when the headache cleared up and I felt a bit better that voice in my head started to whisper to me. When I didn’t cave that voice became louder the next day and I noticed I become restless and irritated as well because of the not drinking.
And that was getting me over the edge most of the time
Why I did it?
Because I have an addiction.
When I have to explain it to someone nearby I tell them I drank through the brakes.
I drank that much in my entire life that those brakes are gone forever. So I can’t have “just one”
That voice in my head? That is my addiction voice. I call her the Winewitch. Now I’m sober for a few years I hear her seldom, but she still tries to lure me back sometimes
Do not hate yourself please. Use your hate for your own winewitch. We put a lot of time and effort into drinking ore using. If we can turn that into our recovery we can live sober instead.
Read this thread if you like What's YOUR plan? it’s a good one! As well as there is many info and good reads to find here:Resources for our recovery
And this thread I made myself when I was 2 years sober, maybe you find things in it you can try yourself 2 years sober and what helped me to get there:
You can do it, we believe in you! Just start! Make a plan of your own and come here when you have cravings instead of picking up.
I love this - and will conjure the image of a wine witch when the temptations come a calling!!!
I reset my clock after making a bad choice, and I know what to do differently next time to prepare for fighting the wine witch - as frustrating as this is, frustration isn’t fatal nor final.
The gross feeling I’m experiencing (and documenting it) will serve as a reminder as to why the wine witch is awful!!
Hi, saw this and heard you. Like the others said, and you are not alone. For me I have used everything in my life to numb myself to Anxiety and fear. And those are just a cover for the anger that is underneath it all, that a small child was afraid to express to people who should have been its care givers. Get all the help you can now. you are in crisis don’t wait you deserve to live and live well. I’m 61 now and spent the last 47 years asleep, pretending, hiding. Now I am full of regret for all those lost years. Self compassion, and self care are key. Honesty with yourself, but not bashing yourself, no judgement. get help where ever and when ever you can. I finally got back into therapy with a young intern, at a clinic in the city sliding scale. and thought this person has no experience, is too young etc, how could she possibly help me, wow was I wrong, in a matter of, less than a year I have made more progress than the whole rest of my life, and I see people say things like oh don’t go to an intern, they can’t help or you need a real doctor, or that therapy doesn’t work, no what you need is too bring yourself honestly ready to do the work. Here is the other thing for me, it wasn’t until I felt I was going to die, and thought I really was no more than a ghost, and I could no longer stand the stench of death that I became afraid and was able to move ahead. We’re all different but the same, your are not alone.
I can almost just remember that hopeless feeling, waking up with that feeling of dread, knowing that I had failed to keep that “just one drink” promise I’d made to myself, the night before.
I haven’t had to feel that in over 6 years. All it took was complete acceptance: I can’t drink, not even one, for the rest of my life.
I knew that last time was different. Instead of a feeling like I was losing something that featured so prominently in my life, I Instead felt a profound sense of relief. I’d never have to feel the shame, anxiety, regret, self-loathing, ever again, and all I had to do was embrace “never again”
Ask yourself what you would/could do with your life, if you were free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Consider all the possibilities. Dream those big dreams. Set those goals. Once you do this, you will see how hollow the drugs and booze make your life.
