I’ve been where you are and I hated myself sometimes. For me it was a 2 ore 3 days circle for a while, day one was the day when I woke up after a night of drinking “my” wine. When I woke up with a hangover and hoping I could remember all I’ve said and done that evening I decided to quit. That day I won’t drink. But the second day when the headache cleared up and I felt a bit better that voice in my head started to whisper to me. When I didn’t cave that voice became louder the next day and I noticed I become restless and irritated as well because of the not drinking.
And that was getting me over the edge most of the time 
Why I did it?
Because I have an addiction.
When I have to explain it to someone nearby I tell them I drank through the brakes.
I drank that much in my entire life that those brakes are gone forever. So I can’t have “just one”
That voice in my head? That is my addiction voice. I call her the Winewitch. Now I’m sober for a few years I hear her seldom, but she still tries to lure me back sometimes 
Do not hate yourself please. Use your hate for your own winewitch. We put a lot of time and effort into drinking ore using. If we can turn that into our recovery we can live sober instead.
Read this thread if you like
What's YOUR plan? it’s a good one! As well as there is many info and good reads to find here:Resources for our recovery
And this thread I made myself when I was 2 years sober, maybe you find things in it you can try yourself 2 years sober and what helped me to get there:
You can do it, we believe in you! Just start! Make a plan of your own and come here when you have cravings instead of picking up.