I just want to thank everyone! I truly always feel better after posting and hearing you out. I just wished we all lived in a sober community together. 
I wrote myself a message to wake up to on my mirror. Time to shower and get some rest. Today was a great fight!
I’m sorry for your heartache Katy. If you’re able try to sit with your discomfort. That probably sounds crazy but it would benefit you in the long run. I know you feel exposed and vulnerable and that’s okay. We all feel like that at times in our lives. Suffering is part of being human. I’m proud of you for staying sober. That has to be your priority. Don’t let this abusive ahole get you off track. Are you in a program? We’re here for you,support has been crucial for me. One thing I do know all things must pass. Keep coming back here. I see a lot of folks reaching out to catch you. Wish you well.
Great idea. Keep it up.
There’s already so many voices here that adding seems unnecessary. However, I didn’t see the above addressed.
None of those things you listed are your responsibility. He’s your fiance and you love him so of course you don’t want to see that happen to him - but ultimately, his choices and actions are his own as are any resulting consequences. You’re in charge of your sobriety, not his. You’re doing well in your own battle. Don’t put that obligation on yourself.
I don’t know, man. I don’t think we’ve ever interacted directly, but I’ve been trying to think of what to say because reading this just makes me sad. Partners build eachother up, not drag eachother down. Mutual respect is paramount.
I wish you well.
Sorry to read about you struggling with this … behaviour? attitude? insecurity? narcissist?
Seems your fiance has his own demons to battle. This is NOT your responsibility nor is it helping you to “support” or “bear” his behaviour. This only prolongates you suffering and him not changing anything. It sounds hard but I know what I’m talking about, my husband - we separated half a year ago - still blames ME for HIS DUI. Nope, I was not driving, I was at home so WTF?
You might give a look into co-dependency literature, @Dazercat mentioned some good books that helped me a lot.
You are not alone. We are here for you. Maybe you want to read around the loved ones thread, a lot of good sharings there, also on your type of situation: Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict?
Story time,
I got a lot of these stories but here is what I read when I read your posts.
I am strong i am succeeding, I am doing better today than I was yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.
People who are dependent or co-dependent often have insecurities, your a partner an equal in a relationship and expect to be treated as such, which is totally fair. But then you have your partner who may feel insecure and unsure about your success, that you may one day realize that your relationship has turned toxic and that you can survive much better without him. Where does anyone like that want you? Weak and dependent on them so you have no way out.
I was wirh my kids mom for about 10 years. Very loveless relationship. I was a product of shitty parents who should have divorced long before I was born, but I didn’t want that for my kids. I wanted better, as parents we always want better for our kids, than we have. And that’s fair. But having both mom and dad in the same home can be more damaging than helpful at times. I had a therapist once tell me all kids from divorced parents would always want mom and dad together, but eventually they realize it wasn’t meant to be and it was for the better. I left my kids mother, and it took about 2 years for it to finally stick. We’d come back for a short fling, we’d fight and then back to square one again. We were destroying each other and our children in the process, and it was a very similar situation, except I pushed for her to do more be better be smarter. She pulled me down, I didn’t start to flourish more until I left, my holdback after that was myself. I didn’t quit the booze and drugs until almost 7 years later, and it’s frustrating at times.
I have had a handful of careers, just trying to make due while music took off, yet with the ups and downs of my life. It went with it. And it’s harder to start over than it is to keep the same momentum, if I kept my momentum form my early 20s, I’d probably be paying off the advance from the record label that whored me out, instead of bouncing from indie label to label to make a few bucks.
My son just turned 18, I started young, so now you can make me feel old by saying oh I was in elementary school when he was born. But we had a long discussion last night about 2 hours. And while he wishes things could have been better in many ways, he gets frustrated, that I went and took the steps to get better to be better, while his mom still runs in circles,
If I could tell my 21 year old self anything it would be, get away from the sauce, you don’t have to have both parents in the same house to be a good parent, and stop being mr right now, instant gratification or the feeling of coming home to someone, is often gratifying in the moment, making a lot of money right now sounds great but instead I should have been playing the long game
What you need to do is weigh the pros and cons, of which ever road you choose,
And lastly and most important, never ever let anyone define your worth or sobriety
ETA - his drinking, DWI, getting his ass beat in bars is not your fault, or your responsibility I understand caring for someone (hence 10 years in a loveless relationship) he needs to take accountability for his own behaviors,
Put this in perspective. If I said right now, If you don’t respond to this message right now, I’m gonna go out and act like an asshole and get beat up, is that your responsibility to shoulder? No. I made a choice a bad one at that, and instead of accepting responsibility for my actions, I put a guilt trip on you,
Unfortunately our partner can be a huge trigger. But alcohol would only make it worse. You are not a failure IF you walked away from this relationship. But I do understand how complicated it can be. Is he responsive to talking about the relationship?
Your right drinking isnt the answer… from personal experience i find i tend to hold my thoughts in about how much I like alchohol. And the thoughts of not drinking are torure for me. This last journey of sobriety … i just started saying put loud everytime i wanted to drink. I would say it out loud…“i wanna drink sooo badd!”“man i want a beer!” I actually found it really helpful… turns out i sound conpletely ridiculous when i hear my thoughts through my ears and not my brain. It was a lot easier to talk myself through the next few minutes if i was doing it out loud. You are stronger than you were last time you were this stressed, because you probably drank last time without a sweat. This time you refrained, the temtptation wasnt weaker, YOU became STRONGER. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GREAT MOMENT OF SUCCESS!!!
Please watch that information, there are three parts, (this is a link to the first part) if you can’t find the second and third parts let me know and I’ll post links as well.
I think you may be dealing with a covert narcissist??
They do not sound like a catch.
Leave him. This is not advice. This is a dire warning from someone who had watched someone I love go through exactly what you are going through. Pretend and get your ducks in a row if can’t leave today, but I would seriously recommend you leave with whatever you can’t stand to lose, and gtfo now.
You choose you. The healthy you. Make healthy choices. If you think healthy thoughts and treat your feelings with healthy respect you will know what to do. Big hugs.
a great many insightful things have been said here. I want to stress this: what kind of service are you doing to your children, sons at that, letting them witness their mother being abused and treated with disrespect and condescendence? what are they absorbing about the relationships between men and women and the worth of women? how is that influencing their chances for future love, happiness and peace? 
seems to me you are choosing the comfort of the fantasy of what things could/should/“will” be like with your guy over the reality of how they are and have been for a long time. in this respect, tho our relationship and our issues were very dissimilar from yours, I can sympathise and I did the same for a long time, holding on because I didn’t want to let go, because I still loved.
your excuse is that the boys need a father. they have a father. they can still have a father without growing up in an abusive home. what kind of father the father wants to be is and will always be up to HIM.
I would suggest the book “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. as well as the thread Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict? that’s already been suggested.
my last remark is: that it seems to me you know that you need to change your circumstances and you came here for a nudge. so we are nudging. and affirming that side of you that already knows.
wish you the best, mamma, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You are worthy of happiness and peace. This is something my therapist tells me. Of course I know this realistically, but I think somewhere deep inside where things are still a little broken I don’t fully believe that. Probably why I’ve been a successful functioning alcoholic this entire time. Trying to prove I’m good enough if everything looks good all around me, spoiler alert, that just prolonged my healing and ability to see clearly and start healing. But….we’re here, so we know that we need to make changes and we’re doing our best to get there. Celebrate that, you are strong, capable and worthy. Untether your worth from anyone else, and this means your kids too. No need for validation…you have the right to feel how you feel and take care of yourself. Like they say on a plane….if you can’t breath due to a loss of cabin pressure, secure your mask first before helping others. It’s good advice! Your kids will see your stength and self worth shine as you take care of you and aspire to be like that too. Set healthy boundaries. You can do this. Happy healing my sober friend. Sending you strength and love
Perhaps a change in your relationship status is overdue. It sounds to me as if he has some serious issues with his own self-esteem. Those with healthy self-esteem don’t tear others down, especially those they are supposed to care about. No, only small-minded, emotionally stunted people do this. They know they are lousy people inside, and their greatest fear is those they care about will see this, and leave them. They project their own feelings of inadequacy on to others, to make them feel just as bad about themselves as they feel.
He’s likely terrified of your sobriety, your working to better yourself. With a clear mind and strong sesnse of self, you’ll see him for what he really is, and leave him.
If you think there’s hope for him, tell him this:
"I am not stupid or naive. I see what you are doing and I know why you are doing it. I see you for who you are, today. Now I have chosen to be sober, and I am moving on with my life. This train is leaving the station, and you are either on it with me, or not. If you want to be on it, then go get some help for your issues. Work to make yourself better rather than trying to tear me down. It won’t work. I may want you, but I certainly don’t need you to live my best life. See the light, and feel the heat, because I’ve lit the torch.
You’ll be amazed at what you can see, in the light of a burning bridge."
It’s very common for parents/spouses with their own addiction issues to feel threatened when their partner gets sober. I’m divorced, and the relationship my kids have with both parents is fantastic. No conflict. You don’t have to live in the same house to be good parents. In fact, the example he is setting for your boys is toxic.
I just finished sending him a text kind of like that. I told him no rush in responding. To take his time and deeply think if I’m the one he wants a life with. If so some changes need to happen. But I also assured him if we did go our own way I’ll be here to help I know he isn’t financially stable and I don’t want him to just be with me because he needs my money. And I will never ever keep him from his son. We will see how it goes.
If he does have Covert Narcissist traits no doubt he’ll be promising the world and begging you back in, that’s how they work… Once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it.
Katy, you deserve so much better. Nobody should tolerate abuse of any form. I’ve been with my wife for a couple decades, I’ve never once called her a name or tried to bring her down… I want to lift her up. Last thing I have daughters your age and if I ever found out some fuck stick was doing that to them he would have problems.
Good job staying strong. You seem to be a intelligent, beautiful young lady and you deserve someone who will treat you well. Best wishes to you, know your worth.
Just wanted to say “
” I applaud this response! And I feel the same about my kids
