I relapsed so no triple digits for me

Relapses
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I relapsed after exactly 3 months, so no triple digits for me .

I have to reset my timer, I hate this stupid disease.

So what happened…

My family and me where on a holiday, my parents rented a holiday home to spend Christmas together. I prepared myself that for since along time I would be around alcohol and drinking people, not alcoholics like me but just social drinkers. The first 2 days went fine and I could easily handle it.

What happens is that my brother had to leave because his cat went really ill.

Then suddenly it came into my mind to drink, not because I felt really bad about that to happen but I was asking myself…. ‘’who is gone drink the 6 cans of beer he left” he is the only beer drinker besides me in the family. I checked my sober time counter and it says 89.5 days.

Then my mind tells me… “wait at least till you reach the 90 day mark’’

At exactly 90 days I opened the first can, and I showed proud to my parents that I didn’t drink for 3 month. It was my reward, I drunk all 6 of them. For some reason I felt responsible for drinking those cans. I didn’t feel good about it but I was confident this will not happen again and… the other days I didn’t drink… till I come home from the holiday….

For the first time since my 3 months of sobriety I got the feeling… “I don’t care anymore”

I drunk for 2 straight days in an row, more than 20 large cans of beer. I also had to call in sick at work the days after because I couldn’t do my job safely because of the massive hang over. I am full of shame and guilt, something I haven’t felt for a longtime ago.

I didn’t even like drinking the beers but for some reason I had to hit rock bottom again.

As we speak I am one day sober again.

I can hate myself for what happens but that is not gone happen because this is a stupid disease witch I will overcome. I didn’t just come this for to come this far. I started fantasizing drinking a week ago and this combined with me losing focus causing me to relapse.

I am so tired to start all over again… AGAIN!

So here I am on the 1st of January 2022 with one day of sobriety under my belt.

I am an alcoholic and I can never drink again, that’s the lesson I have learned.

But I will not give up I will keep fighting and 2022 will be an amazing year .

Thank you for reading and I wish you all an amazing 2020

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Too bad you didn’t come here to celebrate your 90 days with all of us and be honest about what you were thinking. We could have helped you through it but it sounds like you had your mind made up.
We can’t forget that drinking eventually leads to jails, institutions and death. Here’s a recent post about someone that will never get another chance like we did. It’s a stark reminder for all us.

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I have to remember that its my responsibility to not drink, because i am an alcoholic and those beers just lead me to the liquor an other substances and so on like you explained. Its hard to overcome the temptation sometimes so we learn to not put ourselves in certain situations till we get a better hold of our sobriety. Glad your back here to share it will help some people along in their journey, it helps me to remind me how this disease works, thank you an i wish you well in your recovery.:+1:

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That’s exactly what alcohol does for us… it makes us not give a damn about anything. That’s NOT how I want to live my life, and seeing that you’re here, it’s not how you want to live yours, either. I’m at 4+ months, and I’ve told others here that the sober time I have doesn’t make me feel proud. Maybe it should, I don’t know… but if reaching a certain number of days allows me to feel proud enough to have a drink, I don’t think I ever want to consider milestones.

I’m thankful you’re safe and you’re here, Roland. I’m sending you strength, all of it I can muster. :purple_heart:

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I have the same guilt about finishing food, which is a-whole-nother story, and that guilt does also translate to alcohol. The guilt tells me I have to finish my plate/bottle/can/glass because it’s wasteful/rude/I just want it gone. It’s hard to remember that I don’t have to finish anything, I can just throw it away or pour it down the drain and it’s really no big deal. I had to actually practice throwing away food and say out loud “this is ok”, and the same with pouring alcohol down the drain. I have to constantly remind myself that by finishing my plate/glass I’m going against what I really want. It’s really hard to go against those long-engrained ideas but practicing does help. :purple_heart:

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That’s the bottom line. But didn’t you already knew this before? What I see is that you decided to go it alone. You went out of contact with your peers, at least here. Did you think you didn’t need this place no more? Or less? You say you prepared for the holiday. How? Is it really so that the thought just appeared, suddenly?

Looking at your posting history I see a pattern. A pattern that I’ve seen many times before.
Ruthless honesty is what is needed friend. It’s good you have learned you can never drink again, although I wonder if you didn’t realize that before.

The question is, to me at least, how am I going to achieve that? How am I going to withstand my alcoholic mind the next time it sees its chance? For me the answer is to seek the help from my peers. What’s your answer?

And don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad to see you and very glad you are here, sober for today. I want you to remain sober. Let’s do this. Together. Success Roland.

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If it were me I would ask myself: 1) what was I doing to enhance my sobriety, 2) what didnt work. 3) what am I prepared to add, to ensure I dont relapse again.

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I’m so glad ur here and sharing what happened. I can relate to this with many of my relapses and I really feel for u with the emotions ur feelings now :frowning: addiction is such a cunning and powerful disease eh? Like… the lies it tells us and how it sneakily starts planting ideas in our head even before we actually commit the act of drinking/drugging. It’s scary really. From reading ur post, it sounds like u had the idea of wanting that drink about a week ago (like u said) and then combining that with an environment that had access to alcohol, didn’t help. Slippery slope. We always have the best intentions not to drink or use. But even through all this, I also see alot of self awareness in ur post. And I see a huge desire to quit. Hold onto this feeling. As sucky as it is to feel right now, hold onto this and don’t forget how crappy u feel. The guilt and shame, the reseting the timer etc. Remember this cuz if ur like me, I tend to forget how bad it really was (another lie of addiction) and begin to think that I have control over it again. Never will we have control. U got this Roland. Try again… keep at it one day at a time. Do the things u need to do each day to stay clean. 90 days is HUGE!!! It wasn’t a waste. Uv learned alot and now u know more about what not to do :slight_smile: hugs

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Thanks for sharing Roland. I’m sure your getting some good support and tons of advice. Because that’s what we do. Trying to figure out what to say to someone who has relapsed is really hard for me.
I keep thinking “if only ……….” Fill in the blank with so many suggestions.
But I appreciate you and your share. And shares like this always strengthen me and my resolve to stay sober and beat this disease of alcoholism. It is so fucking hard. None of us started out wanting to be this way.
Today is a great day to be sober.
Love you man.
:pray:t2::heart:

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Glad you had a lot of bad feelings around it.
I think you set yourself up in your mind to do it which is just a beware for the next time you start romanizing it. I’m glad you had a lot of negative around it and especially that you started 2022 out sober and here at TS!
Wishing you an amazing 2022! Take care ShadowFax and keep on true to your not drinking cause. Happy New Year!

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I’m sorry Roland. I was so sad to read this and my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry your addiction got the better of you. I’m not one to give tough love advice, it’s not who I am. But I’ve been giving a lot of tough love to my own addict, and it seems to help. You deserve a sober life. If you take anything away from all of this please take away that you are worthy and believe that you can get better. Your addict doesn’t get to win. Or define you. Or make you feel like this. We are all here to help you. Sending love :heart:

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Thanks for posting this. I’m sorry about the relapse, but what you experienced was how progressive this disease actually is. If I “slipped” and drank a glass of wine, the probability of that turning to a full return to all day drinking for a long stretch of time is very high. I won’t risk that. I make a decision to not drink every day because that is a requirement for me to have the opportunity to live my best life. I have 9+ months of continuous sobriety and have really made a point to use ALL of my tools in those months so that I can protect my sobriety. I don’t count days, as I’m just a non-drinker now, but I do celebrate my freedom from alcohol on the 10th of every month. Sobriety has been the biggest gift I’ve given to myself and others in my life that care about me.

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Thank you all for the support.:blue_heart:
Reading all the advice given I feel even more stupid. This not new for me and I am struggling for years. And I desided to celebrate my greates sober achievment with a drink :see_no_evil::man_shrugging:

I have to work on my Accountability and sharing my feelings that’s for sure.
But this I find difficult, sharing my feelings on TS is something I am learning. But sharing my feelings in RL is hard. Besides one close friend I dont talk about my addiction and struggles.
Maby I should go back to counciling. And maby I should stop counting the days, I think that works beter for me.
…

I have to think about what realy happend the last couple of days… my mind is definitely not clear right now. :sweat:

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It’s the old road your brain is taking I think. Your old coping meganism you learned yourself: Depressed: we deserve a drink
Happy: we deserve a drink
Anxiety: we deserve a drink
And so did your mind when you reached the 90 days. Milestones are always tricky, at least for me. There is a new road in your head as well, but your mind is still not used to take that new path.
I relapsed twice at 90 days before my first long stretch of days. So I know how it feels.
But like you said yourself: it has learned you something.
I hope 2022 is your year!! :tada:

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You’re not stupid, so don’t feel that way. :purple_heart: We have to work at this sobriety thing, keep on keeping on, even when we think we can’t any longer. That’s why we’re all here, to lean on one another and support each other. Next time it becomes too much to handle, it’s ok to tell us about it. Sharing has always been hard for me, too. I still post things, overthink what I’ve shared, and have to force myself to not delete it. I understand. But I’m also learning that it’s better in the long run to just get those feelings out. When we hold onto them, they eventually become something ugly and hard to manage. Hang in here. You can do this. :blush:

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Try make it easier try ameeting wish you well

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I have just done the same thing as you after nearly same number of days - it is like running a marathon and now I have to go back to the start line again

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I feel for you. That’s why they say the first drink is the most important. With one drink inside, or six, u are so much weaker to not caring. When I am tempted to have just one, I chant that.
And ur health and sanity is worth so much more than 6 beers. Bin that shit with impunity!

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You’re not stupid at all, you’re an alcoholic and it’s easier to just shut down and isolate when that voice in our head starts talking. I know it’s easier said than done but try to be more open about what you’re feeling and I promise it will work in your favor. Make this forum your number one tool and we’ll be here when the times get tough.

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Hey! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing with us. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how many of us spent years checking in before it really stuck. It took me over a year with 7 months of intense trying to really rack up more than 90 days. I even had a relapse thread where I would log what I learned each time I relapsed. The key is to keep learning and keep trying and I see you doing just that. Not everyone is lucky enough to get it on the first try.

I can already tell you are going to get it and that it’s going to click for you. You see the disease for what it is, that was a key changing point for me. I can truly feel how much you want to change.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just keep going! The days go by super fast. Hope to see you again soon in the check in thread!

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