He doesnāt have any issues with me getting sober but yes, the shame is real. Maybe heās like this because i have fucked up so many times. I donāt know
No. You can go, you are choosing not to. It doesnāt have to be AA but I recommend some sort of program. Doing it on your own has not worked, and itās not going to magically change now. Every single person on this forum who has achieved long term sobriety has gotten there by putting their sobriety first and putting in the work. This forum is definitely a good tool if you use it. Check in daily. Every day. For a year. However, more is always better
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Yes I only take cocaine when I drink, funnily enough I have no interest in it when Iām sober and Iām working during the week, now that doesnāt mean I stop drinking wine during the week, I have went into work hungover, driven over the limit, unable to focus on work and I definitely know people have smelt the alcohol off me, but on the weekend Iād hit it hard be up for 2 days sometimes 3 and have to call in sick on the monday, it took me a long time to realise that alcohol was the root of it all.
Please donāt hate yourself, your not alone here, I felt exactly the same after last weekend, I felt utterly embarrassed to come back on here and say I was back to square one, this shit is hard, and itās hard doing it on your own, my husband took me out all day today with my dog to get my mind off things and keep me occupied as I was struggling, can you not speak to your husband and explain that you are really struggling and need extra support? 
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Why do you need your husbandās permission to go to meetings?
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Itās awesome you have that support. My husband would tell me just stop. Its not that difficult. I have no interest in coke unless Iām drinking too. And i have no interest in drinking unless other people are too. My issue is i canāt just have a couple. I always have to push it too far. Then i throw up and black out and do stupid shit
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Your very like me, drink is get drunk or whatās the point, Iām really sorry your husband is like that, I am lucky to have him although he does like to to have a few drinks but never out of control and he has no interest in coke at all but will take some when I am high as a kite and want him to be the same, he doesnāt usually say yes but I will not let up so basically force him to take it which is really pretty shitty, see writing that down has made me realise just how shitty that is 
but even though he supports me he is the same, doesnāt understand why I canāt just say no and stop, because he would, and find that easy, but he just doesnāt understand an addicts mind, the compulsion
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@Roxy6 @Englishd @lorelai @Amy30 just a thought lovely people but maybe she isnāt ready to tackle the situation with her husband yet, some people are lucky to have a supportive and understanding family/husband from the get go, some people arenāt, sometimes people need a lot of time to come round to the idea of I canāt do this alone
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We all have our own journeys and I know it took me a very long time to actually start working on my sobriety and get it into my head that I cannot āmoderateā.
@Roxy6 mentioned at least 3 times on this thread that her husband wonāt let her go to meetings. Thatās concerning, to say the least. My hope is for her to see people questioning the control he has over her decisions and maybe wonder if thatās an appropriate thing for a spouse to do.
I donāt think it is.
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The words ānot letting her go to meetingsā I never seen mentioned 
but I do notice she is uncomfortable with direct questions on control her husband has on her which is why she has only replied to certain people, Iām just pointing out a sore point and maybe go a bit easier on the subject
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Absolutely I agree itās her sobriety and battle and yes her husband has the Marine mentality so I suppose everyone needs to understand that heās had that ingrained in him and is maybe struggling himself to understand what support means too
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Another reason why its important for us to come back and read journals and our conversations. We not only bring ourselves down but also the people around us. You arenāt a shitty person. Alcohol just brings out the worst in us. We can do better. We can be better. One day at a time.
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@lorelai @Saturn81 @Englishd
I didnāt say he wonāt let me. I said he would not be supportive of me going to meetings. He thinks i should just be strong and stop on my own. He thinks therapy is unnecessary and that anxiety, depression and addiction are all in your head. Basically if you really want to stop, you can but you choose not to. So i know by me wanting to go to meetings, it will just cause drama in our relationship. So for now, i just need to make sure I get on here and talk about it, check in and journal.
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Thank you for your understanding. Yes, he has a hard time expressing his feelings. Honestly he could use therapy. He had a rough childhood which drove him to the marine corps when he turned 18. But he sees therapy as being weak. So he suppresses things. He has gotten a lot better with my guidance but he has a lot to work on. I guess we all do. None of us are perfect.
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Itās totally possible to achieve long-term sobriety without meetings, but quite a few people need that face-to-face community support. It sounds like your excluding from the start most of the available resources based on how your husband might react to it. And thatās concerning.
Iām only about 7 months in, and I did quite a few online meetings when I started, is that something you might consider trying?
Ultimately, this forum and this community has been my life-saver and my anchor to sobriety. Hopefully it can do the same for you.
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Iām back after deleting the app as well. Iāve definitely drank more recently, up to 5 days a week and itās way too much. I had a dream last night where a relative noted my appearance and ālooking like shitā due to drinking. I woke up and took that as a sign to at least try to do better.
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Glad your back today @Roxy6! I have to admit I refrained from commenting yesterday because I had some of the same concerns mentioned above. But I figure nobody knows you situation or husband better than you, so not my place to armchair quarterback your sobriety. Shit, Iām still trying to figure it out for myself, so itās definitely not my place! I also hope you know Iām saying that without judgment! It comes from a place of honesty and love. I was married to the military and Iām married to a man who was also married to the military, so I know weāre a different breed with outdated ideas and beliefs. I know if I was still in, thereās not a chance in hell Iād be working on sobriety. But I am happy to see you check in today. I hope you find the right mix of tools in your situation to stay happy, healthy, and sober. Iām here; I got your back!
As I promised yesterday, Iām checking in to recommit to not drinking with you today!! Happy Sober Labor Day, Roxy!! 
You got this!
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I am also returning to this community/app after a relapse! Be gentle on your self!
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That is sad to hear, but your right none of us a perfect and we all have our own individual sobriety and emotional journey that we go down, and everyone is different, everyone deals with things differently, reacts differently, it is finding what is right for you and building your own little toolbox of things that help, also checking in here daily and talking and getting some support one day at a time 
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I think i could do online meetings. Like zoom. Something i could do from home. Iām a stay at home mom of a 3 and 4 year old. A lot of times leaving just isnāt an option. And cheers to your 7 months. Thats awesome!
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Welcome back. I know a lot of us are in the same boat. We can do this. Glad youāre back