I feel ashamed to post here, I don’t know why? I just feel shame because other people have it worse than me and they deserve this space more than I do.
It’s been 19 days since my attempt and I have been feeling so lost and alone, infront of people I am fine, I laugh, I talk, I make jokes and I appear to be normal I also take care of my nan and she only vents to me but I can’t vent to her because she wouldn’t handle it because she doesn’t really believe in medications for mental health and that I should pray more and when it’s the end of the day and I’m alone, beat, worn out, defeated. All my thoughts come attacking all at once, I have so much hate towards myself and I don’t know where that comes from and that leads to my self-harm habits, I haven’t self-harmed in 8 months but I get the urges to want to do it.
I found asking myself I wish I wasn’t a coward and just walked into traffic and just end this misery.
I feel nothing every day nothing like I’m just so numb and I don’t know what to do anymore
My medication are not helping or maybe it’s my Bipolar episodes I don’t know, my therapist isn’t much help because mental health here isn’t a priority.
I’m just sooo fucking lost and alone and it’s scary, I can’t breath, I can’t do anything on my own.
I just wish this all to end, the numbness, the self hate, the dysphoria, the body dysmorphia, knowing I can’t ever transition because of where I live, not feeling accepted in the LGBTQ+ community, I can go on and on and on it’s just too much and I don’t want to annoy my best friend he is out there dealing with his own shit I don’t want him to have to deal with my shit.
Whatever I have to add is just going to sound like a broken record.
I don’t vent to people because I don’t want to bother them with what I am going through or some will simply not get it and they will just say “but you were just fine a min ago…” or some that would call themselves a “friend” and “listen” to me pretending to listen and just want me to get on with it.
What more can I say?
I know my worth is nothing so why bother anyway.
Nope, wrong. That’s your addict voice talking, not your actual self. Your addict voice is loud now because you are in early recovery. Gradually you will grow past it.
That is common. All of us here at Talking Sober, at some point, have felt exactly the same way. Sometimes we describe it in different words but it’s the same feeling.
You feel lonely, desperately lonely, because you’ve dug yourself into the hole of the addiction. In the hole, it seems like you’re alone, because all you see is the sides of the hole.
Your addict voice wants you to stay in the hole, because that’s how it feeds itself, by keeping you isolated and weak.
You climb out of the hole now. You get healthy now. You do this by talking to people who understand. You talk to people here on Talking Sober, and you talk in other recovery communities, like www.AA.org or www.NA.org or one of the ones here:
Thank you for the kind words and the resources. The places and the help isn’t the problem it’s me, I just, I’m just going to repeat myself because that’s what’s going on with me, majority of the links are AA meetings and I don’t have an alcoholic issue. My issue in my fucked up brain that just wants to heal everyone but not it’s self. The trauma I had is not leaving me, other people having it worse I know that’s what I keep hearing all the time when I try to vent, it’s always you don’t pray enough, I pray 5 times a day it’s not praying that’s the problem it’s me I push people away, I don’t have stable friendships, I’m just to tired to fight for how long am I going to keep doing this it keeps taking a toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally.
Thank you again and sorry if what I wrote sounded mean or anything, I didn’t mean it that way.
yeah I also used to care too much about what other people thought and I also felt who gives a shit anyway and I have no worth. But turns out I am important, but not more important, so it’s about time we treat ourselves with the same respect we should treat others and how others could treat us. Regardless of any of that though at the very least it’s good to talk and let it all out.
When I get into these episodes I find myself asking how come this person or that person who I’ve been there isn’t there for me when I need them. But then I know my worth is
I hope one day I reach that day were I know my self worth is there is any to begin with.
You know more than you think, you’ve already found yourself in a community reaching out for the help you need, your acknowledging something isn’t quite right bc you know you could be more content in life. So you must think your worth something. Small steps but important ones.
