First, I have to commend you for doing this sober. Second, cheating is one thing… she sent pictures of your kids to a stranger and gave him you address and place of employment. That’s a no go for me. You never know how someone will mess with you now. If you love her and want to work it out through therapy etc that’s your choice but if it was me, I be out. Simply because she put my kids in danger and potentially harms way. To me, there’s no forgiving that because in my opinion if she was ballsy enough to do it, she’d do it again. I know it hurts but you and your children deserve better and are worth MORE. Whatever you decide I wish you luck.
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This,
And both parties have to want to put in the work.
I been to counseling 3 times, yet no avail. Part my doing part theirs.
I am one person that refuses to give up on someone I care for, sounds really stupid, but I been given up on and labeled hopeless, and it made me feel worthless. I never ever want someone to feel that way.
Plus I can say i gave it a serious effort. In some ways it really bit me in the ass, but I figure one day all that effort will be rewarded by the right person
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That’s the major issue I have with this whole thing as well. Sending pictures of my children to a complete stranger online is inexcusable and it just makes me sick. He asked her for our address so he could see how far the hotel his company was going to put him in was from our house. Obviously all bs. I’m just so disgusted she could even fall for such a scam in the first place.
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Eh asking for your address is kinda sus,
I’ve met people online before, and if I was going to do that I’d tell them my hotel let them tell me instead if asking for an exact address.
Even then the detective in me is doing some research alot of the info she gave is available everywhere you just have to put two and two together
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As an alcoholic, ive wanted so badly to be shown grace and be forgiven… so I tend to show it more often and forgive sometimes because the alternative hurts more for me. But now that im realizing my worth… There are times when I have to stand up for myself and what is right… Believe when I say this “Your kids can learn something from that!” When broken relationships continue… it becomes a different type of disfunction. Certain things, people, songs, billboard… sayings… any random thing can set off an attitude on a perfectly fine day. Kids FEEL that. There’s nothing worse than walking on egg shells. Children don’t even process anxiety the way we do, so it presents itself in all kinds up absurd ways. They FEEL your energy. They FEEL her energy. I watched my kids become happier kids after the initial split. All that preoccupation about your wife turns into nurturing and connection time for your kids. In my experience. Just wanted you to know.
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I dont think there would be a war over the kids. I would hope she wouldn’t use them as pawns against me. She knows I’m a good father and aside from this incident she is a good mother to the kids. If we do end up apart I think the kids would atleast be lucky that both parents would very much still be in their lives.
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You’re so right about being preoccupied over this. The night I found out my wife was out with a girlfriend and I was watching the kids. It turned into me scouring the conversation instead of playing with them like I had planned. I never want them to have to walk on eggshells because a memory of the affair puts me in a mood. Great points thank you!
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Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you had the strength to get out of such a relationship! Although the kids are still young I’m sure they are much more perceptive than I think. And I know you are right that I will never be able to trust her again. I feel like even with this incident I was just waiting for it to happen. I hoped it never would but it felt like it was always in the back of my mind as to when or how it would happen. Definitely not a way to live!
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That was hard to read, im sorry for your situation. I will be honest and blunt: you should leave her. What shes done to you and, more importantly, to her kids just proves that she is selfish and she cares more about herself and her feelings than her own family. A 1 night affair by accident is acceptable and forgivable but the words you described are mean and brutal. A
I agree that thinking about our kids is priority but a situation like this will probably damage them more than a divorce.
I can imagine how you feel. Its hard but try to be strong, we are here to help.
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Thats how I feel that a one time affair would have been easier to comprehend than this. The amount of emotion, secrecy and betrayal for over 9 months makes this hurt so much worse for me.
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I have been called out before… actually I wasn’t called out…I was informed that I come across like I think everyone should just be understanding of infidelity. Or something like that. It’s why I’ve stayed out of these conversations for the past year. I wasn’t totally sure of my intentions for what I was trying to convey…do i want mercy for myself and to justify/explain my actions; or do I truly feel this topic needs a different perspective represented?
I’m still unsure tbh, but here goes…
Let me clarify before I continue. I don’t think infidelity is acceptable or needs to be tolerated.
I do however think it maybe…maybe deserves to be seen through a different lens.
Any form of self betrayal/bad behavior (acting out) stems from somewhere. We didn’t all just wake up one morning and say “I’m going to get shit faced every day, and ruin my life :)”
We experienced trauma over time, like all humans do, and the way we dealt with it (for the majority of us here) was through alcohol and drugs. We all went on not addressing the underlying problem for years. Our families were understanding for years. People stuck by us, for years.
And I’m not saying this is the best thing to do in every circumstance…but people showed us compassion and sympathy and concern because the problem was outwardly obvious and commonly understood in society.
But in reality the problem is not obvious. We don’t just stop drinking and everything is fine.
Drinking/drugs/infidelity is just the symptom. What’s underneath is the problem. What we are doing to supress the problem needs to be eradicated, and then the real problems can be addressed.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not sure if the tone of the advice would be given in the same way, if Nolan was telling us about his wife’s drug problem (especially since kids are involved). Maybe the advice would remain the same: leave because it’s not a good situation for you, which will not be a good situation for the kids inevitably.
But she obviously needs help and maybe a little understanding herself on why she’s acting out. And she’ll only do that if she wants to unfortunately. Maybe you (@Nolan) don’t need to enabler her anymore by staying, and that is completely understandable…but continuing to support other’s when they’re in a selfish dark place (and they clearly don’t even realize the repercussions of their actions) is kinda what we’re all about here.
I think infidelity really flames the ego, which is why it’s such a delicate topic… but other’s actions are about THEM and only them. Not about us or our self worth.
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A garden that has fallen into disrepair can be tilled, and reseeded and produce fruit again.
As you said, both parties absolutely have to be committed. Is it a smooth road? Usually not.
For me, I completely trust my wife again. I’d put my head and heart in her hands and I couldn’t say that about 30 months ago.
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I definitely understand what you are saying and I agree her actions stem from her own family dynamic growing up and her father’s mental health and his drug use. She stood by me all throughout my drinking and my lies about stopping. Even if I decide I need to be on my own I would always be there for her to talk to and I would support her with any treatment she would decide on. I don’t hate her for this and I see that she didn’t do this to me but did it for herself. I want us both to be happy in the end I just don’t know if it will be together.
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Your perspective is phenomenal, man you have major respect in my book
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@nolan I have 3 questions for you.
Do you love her?
Do you want to be with her?
Do you both realistically see yourselves being able to forgive each other for your past behaviours and work together to ensure both your needs are being met?
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Thanks a lot I can’t take credit the good folks on this app have given me such great advice and have helped me navigate through this!
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Yes
Yes
The last one is where I struggle. I don’t think I realistically can. I know I wasn’t able to meet her needs after the first 2 times.
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I definitely think you and I can relate a lot. My ex lied to my face for years about his drinking, and would drink and drive with my kids. Me leaving felt like I was abandoning my kids but staying meant I found outlets that were of low morals. My actions are fully my responsibility regardless of where they stemmed from. Same with your wife. If she’s not fully committed to recovering, then maybe she needs to find her rock bottom. I don’t know man but I am sorry you are going through this and I know if you stay true to yourself, you’ll come out of this stronger.
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2 out of 3 is pretty positive.
Do you think loving her and wanting to be with her are enough to face that struggle head on and work at it together so that you CAN fulfill each others needs?
First your reflecting on yourself I get that.
What did I do wrong that shes seeking validation elsewhere?
That’s not on you, thats something she has to ask herself, what you bring to the table is what you bring granite you provide much more in your sober life. But I digress that its nothing you may have done.
However she needs to state her needs, this is something I do believe we struggle with as humans, and it boils down to poor communication.
One of the biggest challenges. Is communication often we seek validation because we feel not heard, or dismissed when we make our needs heard. Often I heard people say that they started an affair the one my ex had as well because he listened to her. She didn’t feel dismissed or not heard.
Squeaky wheel gets the grease
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