Sorry Nolan. I too have been in your shoes. There is no right answer to give you. My wife was seeing an old friend from high school for months behind my back leading up to our wedding. I found out 2 weeks before the wedding. Devastating time. I went through it and married her, mainly due to the pressure of the event. Supposedly he wanted a physical relationship, but beyond a kiss or attempted kiss. One never happened. Now 10 years later, she became very friendly with her rich handsome boss. I came home twice to him drinking a beer with my wife in the yard. I lost my shit about it. After initially defending her actions/intentions, she has become aware how her previous actions have left a dark cloud on our marriage. She has distanced her self from this guy. Iām not one to put someone on a leash, but I ignored it this time for about a year before I snapped. I would say I am happily married. No relationship will ever be perfect. You have to decide on your own if she is capable of change, and how you will look at her in the future. You have done an amazing job getting sober and staying sober. No matter what happens you can walk around with your head held up high! I wish you well on this. Good luck Nolan!
Iām sorry to hear that you are going through this as well! In your case itās even harder because you lost a best friend. In my case I didnāt know the guy and eventhough it turned out to be a scammer everything thing she typed I canāt unsee. Very hurtful. I wish you love and peace as well! Best of luck to you Val we will get through this!
Thank you Laura. We actually cancelled because it was a phone session (not over webcam) which I was not aware of because of covid. I really want to do this face to face so I am searching the area for other counselors but they may all be like that right now. Oh and I forgot to respond earlier, donāt feel like anything you said was being harsh I appreciate the support!
Such a similiar situation. I also felt the pressures of getting married eventhough I felt that same dark cloud of trust issues in the back of my mind. I put that on myself for not speaking up at the time. It felt like I just waited for it to happen again which it finally did. Thanks for sharing man!
Definitely I was atleast hoping for a zoom session. Iām calling around today so Iāll find something asap
Wow man Iām sorry, its hard to find in person therapists at the moment, I had two really good ones, but I doubt you wanna drive to Hershey or York.
I was reading I guess you confirmed he was a scammer? I had one destroy my relationship years ago. We were in counseling and she met a guy who told her he was a lawyer, didnāt give his real name used his parents house to woo her in, her friends told her he was a sham she didnāt believe it until she stumbled across his drivers license. Turns out he was a fraud, I knew from day 1, but she refused to admit it. Was kinda sad to be honest,
Thats how I feel. I almost feel sad that she was driven to this point to fall for something so stupid. Even after I told her it was a scam I feel like she didnāt truly believe me. It wasnāt until I was able to locate the real guy behind it all on Facebook that she knew she was scammed. He used his real name and address but fake pictures. He was about 20 years older than he claimed and looked nothing like his pictures to put it nicely.
Yeah York and Hershey are a bit of a drive but thank you. The one I usually see over the last 14 years is good I just didnāt want to do it talking over the phone. I may still just use her because she knows our history and has seen us on and off over the years.
Damn!!!
So you were right, on top of all of that. It was a sham, I doubt that made her feel any better, but yano hopefully it was a learning lesson
I agree with that, @littlemisschatterbox; about the emotional connection being just as deep or more.
This is quite true, I had a bout of marriage counseling and this was pointed out, I thought it was particularly because my partner had BPD, and she was fishing for compliments.
But the therapist did explain to me, that emotional connections are often a strong bond that women look for, the desire of trust and faith in someone, Iām sure she is quite embarrassed as it is regarding the affair, however being scammed probably made the blow much worse.
We discussed this the other night, narcissistic love bombing, where you overwhelm the other with compliments, shower them with love and the intention is to gain control. The victim is so flattered they dont see it.
Red flags are still Red while being viewed through a rose colored lens, however everything is red.
This, i need to remember!
The fact it was only a scam doesnāt make a difference to me like you said. The feelings she had for him were very real. The secrecy,lies, and plans of meeting were very real to her. Sending him money from our wedding fund when she couldnāt afford to help with bills or groceries. She was so emotionally invested in this guy for 9 months almost everyday all day, I feel like she grew resentment towards me that I wasnāt him.
Thank you for this. It is always ironic when things like this come up on here.
Like this is unforgivable. But all of the shit that we pulled is forgivable? All of the lying and cheating and stealing that we pulled is forgivable?
This is tough folks. Really tough. But just think about what you have been forgiven for before you tell someone that they shouldnāt forgive their significant other
Honestly I read through this thread and it puts me in perspective.
Like what are we willing to tolerate and accept as something we can overcome. Iāve seen a variety of responses and I can see where everyone is coming from, tbh I think its truly a personal decision.
The OP was going to hear and listen to everyone but his choice to dissolve or repair a relationship is very personal, I look at things from a different perspective. If this was a woman Iām dating for a few months. Oh hell no, if Iām married to said woman Iām gonna be much more decisive.
I agree the damage we have done to our families friends spouses boyfriends girlfriends was incredible on many levels, but it doesnāt justify retaliation or a cop out of well I dealt with you now itās your turn to accept my flaws.
A romantic relationship is quite personal, very intimate and holds heavy weight with both partners, to make a knee jerk decision may be more detrimental than expected.
I applaud the OP for his demeanor and ability to handle all of this with his held held high and not stooping to a level of immaturity, thatās something that speaks volumes of his character and how he values his relationship and partner, whilst the trust in the relationship has been damaged, the ability to adapt overcome and willingness to work through it to build a better foundation is amazing kudos to him
I would get out. You deserve to be treated better and have happiness.
Thank you for sharing. Keep strong and keep your focus on your sobriety.
Personal advice: Leave her. You wonāt regret it. The sooner you leave the sooner you can regain your confidence and self worth and truly attract the person that will appreciate you.
Youāll regret it in the long run if you stay. Believe me.
Sheās sick man. You can set all kinds of boundaries, like requiring her to go to regular sex addiction meetings or therapy, requiring her to take lie detector tests every so often, and/or having full access to her social media accounts and tech. Itās up to you though. Very tough situation with the kids in the mix. Iāll never tell you to stay or go, but listen to your Higher Power. Heāll tell you whatās right. DM me if you want to talk more.
Big facts right here. This is next level stuff!