Well man, your putting in the work, that’s a plus.
Never say never, you would be surprised as to what counseling and therapy brings to the surface, it’s very uncomfortable at first, but can be fulfilling and beneficial in the long haul, work on the marathon, the sprint has already been fouled up, it’s time to recover, and overcome
I’m sorry for your lost buddy.
That’s too much for anyone.
I wouldn’t take it, you deserve better or at least different.
You’re working your ass out just to put food on the table and she’s giving money to guy…she’s taking the food from your kid’s mouth.!!
Fuck sake mate if a friend of yours told you that, what would be your advice?
Love yourself, love your kids .
It happened the same to me …well almost, because we didn’t live together.
Let me tell you my friend…that person doesn’t love you…
I’m sorry if my words aren’t nice but I despise that kind of behaviour…
Just for the record I’m now very happy with someone else.
Take care buddy 
Thank you we finally had our first appointment yesterday. It kept getting pushed back but I’m glad we finally got to talk about it. I made it clear that I’m not sure what to do with the relationship at this point yet and that being honest I don’t think I will ever have any trust with her because I now realize I never fully trusted her after the first time it happened. The thing that made me mad in the appointment was my wife was still trying to minimize the relationship she had with this man and all I’ve wanted from the beginning was honesty and she still isn’t capable of that. I know my being sober changed our relationship a lot because drinking was our time together even though I now see how unhealthy that was. My counselor suggested giving it 6 months to see how we want to move forward. She suggested looking into local events or activities to try to find something new for us to bond over. She said whether we stay together or not that finding some common ground will only strengthen our relationship as a couple or apart as coparents. She wants to see us individually going forward which I am happy about. My next appointment is in 2 weeks so we will see how it goes!
The thing that made me mad in the appointment was my wife was still trying to minimize the relationship she had with this man and all I’ve wanted from the beginning was honesty and she still isn’t capable of that.
She sounds like a love avoidant and maybe intimacy anorexic. They typically don’t really feel invested in their affairs, it’s an escape for them, like any addiction.
It’s possible that you have work to do on your side of the street as well. I think it’s really good that you’re open to getting support and bettering yourself. Understanding what you will and won’t put up with, finding healthy boundaries, is a key component of Recovery for people in our similar situations. DM me if you want to talk on the phone sometime.
That’s quite possible. She told the counselor she only said she loved him 2 times when in reality it was nightly for months. She said she wouldn’t have done anything physically when in their messaging she said “she wishes she could meet him just one time” and “she couldn’t resist him in person.” Maybe the flirty interaction and compliments from another man is what she was seeking. I know I have a lot of work to do showing affection and honestly I used to be that way in the beginning I just feel too damaged at this point. We will see, there’s a lot for us each to figure out over the next couple months and I’m just looking forward to us finding peace within ourselves in the end.
It can be quite difficult to see what is and isn’t our part in these things while we’re neck deep in it. You’re doing well in reaching out for support and perspectives of others.
It sounds like her actions are taking up a lot of space in your head. One day at a time, and first things first. Your mental wellbeing comes first, man.
Did you call her out on the discrepancy? It’s only going to work if she’s honest. Does she want to make it work or what’s your feeling on it?
Such a hard place to be, I think eventually we know in our hearts if it’s something you want to put your energy and heart into.
I’m really proud of you for staying sober.
I couldnt forgive it
Oh I definitely did once she was finished speaking in front of the counselor. That’s why I wanted to have the first session as a couple because I wanted to get the facts out there from the beginning. I think she wants to make it work but I’m not sure it’s for the right reasons. I have been able to provide for her and we have a home and cars and I’m the one who cooks and handles the bills. She is with the kids all day and does alot of the cleaning so she does alot as well. We built this family together and I’m sure she doesn’t want it to lose that. But through her actions it doesn’t feel like a true love to me. She admits what she did was wrong and that it went further than it should have but she still lies about how involved this relationship was even in a counseling session. I just want complete honesty and I feel like we could get somewhere but it hasn’t happened.
Hi @Nolan, I’ve been following this thread breathlessly as so many others and want to chime in first and foremost with admiration for the way you’re handling this - sober, level-headed, respectful towards yourself and your wife, just really so totally commendable! Wow!
You have also gotten so much great advice already. I just want to say I agree with you in what gets to me most about the whole story is sadly your wife’s unwillingness to be honest with herself and you. By downplaying the behaviour still, even in counseling, she makes it impossible for you two to overcome and truly come to the bottom of this behaviour, should she not change this and confront herself honestly. I think she is likely fearful of what she’ll find, the reasons for her chronic thrill-seeking and flirting. And I understand that it’s scary, totally. At the same time, she will have to be that camel now passing through the eye of a needle, if she wants a chance at saving your marriage and life together. Sounds like it’s long long overdue she face her demons. Does she know this, I mean really know that it’s not an option anymore to fib, downplay, finagle her way around the truth? Maybe she can still realise this.
It is so understandable you find you can’t trust her again like this. She’s not behaving trustworthy in any of this.
I hope the very best for you and wish you both all possible strength. Again, you deserve so much better than what you’ve been getting. You’re going through a rough time and you’re not alone.
Thank you so much for your kind words and input it really does help a lot! I totally agree that unless she decides to open up completely to herself and I that there will be no way to salvage what is left in this relationship. I made it very clear to her that I really need honesty from her about this. Any indiscretion she had in the past i found on my own and I’m a fool to believe these were the only times. Just the only times she got caught. It is definitely long overdue that she face this and I just hope she can finally get to the bottom of this behavior. Thanks again for your help!
I don’t think I truly ever did forgive her from the first time and I put that on myself for allowing the relationship to continue at that point. I think I built up a lot of resentment over the years because of that. Going forward I’m about 99% sure I will never be able to forgive her unless our counselor can work some sort of a miracle with me and my wife finally gets to the bottom of her behavior.
Call her out. Do it with the counselor. The only way she can rebuild trust is for her to embrace radical honesty. To do otherwise indicates she’s “bridging”, or in today’s parlance “monkey branching”. She won’t let go of you, until she has a firm grasp on the next branch.
I never heard “monkey branching” before but that’s almost how it feels at this point
She did it the first time, and it worked. She got caught and acted contrite, and it worked. She’s trying it again and if it works again, she’ll reach for another branch in the future.
She needs to confess completely, and be truly contrite.
Some interesting food for thought,
If you read my story back in my 20s I was good at manipulation, and even had a few cyber affairs, none of them real, often they were in different countries etc. the idea of meeting one time was to fulfill a fantasy, but in person I would never do it, like it wouldn’t make sense, would never work and often they were in my shoes. Attached looking for an escape, you proved this guy was a phony, but that’s besides the point
I agree with your counselor that bonding over some activities may be beneficial whether you repair or dissolve the relationship, there’s an important factor at play your children, that’s an irreplaceable bond you both have., they didn’t expect this and neither do you,
I’ll leave you my number if you need to talk man, don’t be afraid to reach out us PA guys gotta stick together
Thanks man I appreciate all the support!! 
Anytime man!!
She will absolutely do it again. She doesn’t respect you.
I’ve read a lot of posts on this thread. A lot of people who have been on the receiving end of the extra marital affair or cheated on. A lot also saying she can’t be trusted etc.
I am a cheater, I was with my fiancée for 20 years and last year I cheated on her. There is a saying that once a cheater, always a cheater….it’s true. I will forever be a cheater, however a cheater doesn’t always cheat. By this I mean I cheated on my fiancée last year, we have worked this out, there are still times when I know she is concerned about my actions but I expect this.
I will be honest and open about my affair, I don’t regret it, don’t get me wrong I’m not proud of it either. I learnt so much about myself, about how I really needed to cope with my feelings, my depression, my alcoholism and I learned to see my true value and rediscover my true love for my fiancée.
I was looking for perfection, the perfect life etc. it doesn’t exist, love is not about perfection but about seeing an imperfect person perfectly. I had taken my fiancée for granted for years, not noticed the little things she did daily, not taken notice of small changes and the way she was the glue that held our family together. It was never her fault, although I tried to blame her for my actions.
A cheater will only recover once they accept the blame for their actions relies on them. Thankfully for me I accept my blame and my fiancée stuck by me. I don’t look to blame anyone else, the betrayed partner is never to blame, there are a million reasons someone may look elsewhere but not one that is justifiable to actually go ahead and do it! I can’t justify it but I can’t regret it either.
I don’t regret it simply because my fiancée and I are still together, learning some truths about me, my feelings, my mental health, my addiction and my lack of personal responsibility for my actions galvanised our relationship. My affair wasn’t through lack of sexual activity, emotional instability or anything other than the fact that I had taken so much for granted that I felt I needed to look elsewhere for what I THOUGHT I was missing. The grass is always greener where you water it and I had watered everywhere but home! Learning about myself has helped me become a better partner, a better father and a better person. I now see and appreciate the little things my partner does and I let her know that, I tell her that daily. I used to think buying lavish gifts made her happy, now I see it’s the small things, the kisses at the end of messages (which I put on others messages but not hers), the making her a banana split ice cream and taking it to her in bed when I come in from a shift at 2am just so we can cuddle and talk the small things that make us bond together better than ever.
Leopards don’t tend to change their spots but some of us grow as a person!
All is not lost, I’m not saying anyone who was cheated on should forgive the person who betrayed them, all I am saying is it’s not always bleak, sometimes a ray of sun comes out of the dark clouds.
I hope anyone who has been cheated on heals from the pain they have suffered. I can never apologise enough for the pain I caused but I can make each day better than the days before and show how much I love my partner!
