No, but I’ll definitely read up on it and got myself a fancy gym membership to keep me occupied while it’s 114° out here. I’m realizing right now I have to stay busy till the point of exhaustion. Just praying sleep comes too. Again, thank you.
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This tugged more than a nerve 
when i was at my rock bottom i was emotionally exhausted, full of self loathing, hate for others… i felt so guilty and alone…ive said the same thing since then that it was compassion and kindness that pulled me out of it…the nurse in hospital that gave me a hug when she didnt have to…the neighbour i saw after a few days that hugged me…my close friends that rallied around and checked on me daily…the people on this site that helped and understood…i was shown that even though i hated myself i was cared for and someone worthy of compassion…thats what made the difference and from there, with alot of work on myself its how i got where i am today
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The hope as well. I see so much hope even though I FEEL so much despair. But, the compassion is just something I haven’t heard because of all the loved ones I hurt. I finally told my buddies and coworkers I’m sober and they laughed it off. It was a joke. But, I get it.
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That hope is your little ray of light at the end of the tunnel so hold onto it. I see my rock bottom now as a blessing, something that had to happen to get me where i am now, id have never done so much soul searching without it…you can have that too but like i said, baby steps for now…it really doesnt matter what others think for now you can prove through actions in time that your to be taken seriously. Did u manage some food etc? Xx
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It will definetwly pass, engage in some other activities as well when you struggle where you can listen other voices. It can be a training, a movie, book, meditation class, quick sport session, listening music, doing some volunteer work, or just playing a game. whatever you can participate… It will help you to get out of your head and may be help you to feel you do something meaningfull for yourself or for others. Dont let your old thinking habits to drive you and try to get control and drive your mind,body and soul in together for your future goals. We all had made mistakes, but this is not only caused by us. This is something that we together with our environment. All the best, hope you are feeling better and stronger than yesterday.
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I have a friend who’s been 4 years sober come and give me her AA book and some other tools for when it’s all too much. She brought a BIG container of homemade chicken broth and rice. With little oyster crackers, and I broke down. I felt so pathetic, and grateful, and embarrassed, and just lonely. It was absolutely touching though. I was telling her about the incident and how I have to think of every mistake my partner made to ease the guilt of my episode and she said that’s the addict rationale. And believe it or not it helps to move on to hear these things but God, it all still hurts.
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Thank you so much, I’m pretty base level today but just sad and still have that knot of God what have I done 
but, I’ll take your advice and think I’ll buy some canvases to start painting again. I used to love to paint and listen to music but music is so hard to hear without getting emotional. Find it so bizarre because music would be a great soother, instead it’s a trigger.
Thats lovely of her and im sure it will have helped you to eat, talk and to have a good cry, keep pushing yourself forward even if u feel like u cant, remember to keep the basics in check for now until u start feeling a little better, that knot you have will start to ease with a bit more time, keep talking on here, we are all here for you 
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I will 
when I get overwhelmed I read random posts and journal. I now fully understand I’ve always had a problem. I don’t know how everyone normalized it, including myself.
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Its clever…it creeps up slowly over time i know mine did…a little bit more. …a few more times a week…it gets its hooks in before u even realise it then bam your hooked and you have a problem…it could happen to anyone and does
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I dont know if youve seen this on here today…so inspirational…
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HOLY MOLY I’M ONCE AGAIN SOBBING!! GUT WRENCH, GUTTURAL SOBBING. It is the SAME story from a beautiful human in Ireland. I’ve always believed because I’m Native American and my entire family are destructive Listene drinking alcoholics I was “pre-destined” to drink. AND REALLY BELIEVED I AM NOT LIKE THEM!! I AM, WE ARE, ADDICTION IS ADDICTION 
ohhhh Kelly, I screenshot this and want to frame it. This is the most accurate feeling right now. I told my friend I wish I could stop remembering random embarrassing moments and she laughed and said, “No!! Keep them, cherish them, those images are a blessing and will keep you sober”, I thought she was insane but it’s making sense.
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It helps to realise others feel and have felt the same as us, not what we want for them or ourselves but we can all understand and help each other, someone told me that the opposite of addiction is connection and i think thats true…the connection to fellow recovering addicts is priceless. Hugs to you friend 
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Infinite hugs. 
what’s crazy is there’s no going back because it’s all too evident. I just wish there were more hours of reprieve in the beginning. Also, never knew I could cry so much, constantly. For every reason you can imagine. Not gonna lie, it’s a little overwhelming today so signed up for a yoga class tonight to just not be home.
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I think crying is good, you gotta get the crap out thats been festering for years…eventually i got where i was cried out, ready to take action and start looking at the reasons i used drink to deal with stuff in the first place…the real issues that were there before i started using it as a crutch for every little thing but its all a process and takes time, uve gotta allow yourself to feel everything and as i keep saying get those basics down so u can fire on all cylinders. Honestly sobriety is brilliant i love it now xx
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Your dialogue back and forth really touched my heart. In rehab, one of the counselors asked us to let them loves us until we could live ourselves. I never thought I could learn to love myself. Really appreciate how much you’ve grown, Starlight.
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Thank you Lee that really means alot especially from you 
i feel alot empathy for Roxanne and want to help because ive been there, we all have. Love to you both @LeeHawk @rainy7
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So much love. You won’t believe how often @Starlight14 responses have temporarily relieved this massive knot that just won’t release. And, how even briefly I don’t feel like the most vile person. I can’t get into my counselor until next Tuesday, so this is truly carrying me
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The best way to soothe it is learn to be your best self.
That’s the reality. Welcome to abnormal yet normal living.
Is going to be tough but your going to make it
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Its helps me to help you, we are all in this together. I have a list on my phone of all the things that make me happy and one of those things is helping other people especially those in addiction…when i read your first post it gave me a lump in my throat…i want you to know that there is a way out of the despair your feeling just as someone on here told me when i was rock bottom, yes youve done some bad things and although that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with it doesnt make you a vile person. I was the exact opposite of who i really am when i drank…sober im caring, kind… i literally wont hurt a fly…i collect spiders im my house into a box and put them outside because i cant bear to hurt anything…when i drank i was violent and hateful toward those i love…never my daughter but ive had violent altercations with my own mother which still disgusts me to this day…for me i realised that this behaviour when i drank was down to repressed sadness and anger from things in my childhood and life in general that had never been addressed and once the alcohol took away my inhibitions i no longer had the control in me to keep in check, its not an excuse but a reason for the way i was acting…i never wanted to be like that ever again so i stopped the drinking and worked on my issues, im still working on them and probably will be for the rest of my life but with every day ive been in recovery that guilt has lifted slightly…i can tell you that now i can look myself in the mirror and know im a decent person again but i can never go back to drinking
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