My daughter is laying next to me, she’s 12 and remembers me belligerent and violent when she was 3-4. Never saw it again because I chose to act out when ever she was at her dad’s because I think subconsciously I knew it would truly hurt her and change who she would become. BUT, last week I was screaming, and breaking random items, a real life Tasmanian Devil in front of my boyfriend’s 6 year old son who LOVES me and has been with us since he was 2. It’s killing me.
My first born son died when I was 23, he drowned… I’m 39 now and I know I have never came close to acknowledging his death, feeling his death, when he comes to my mind I physically shake my head and shake him out. Was never sober since. And, no one dared question it. If I’m being completely honest, I think my boyfriend and his son’s relationship made me feel pangs of jealousy and guilt that my son was gone and the moments they have I would never get. Why else would I cause so much harm to two innocent people that genuinely love me and never judge me? Kelly, I’m sooo fuckin sick to my stomach whenever I think of it and find myself stuffing it deep down then hours later WAVES of anxiety. Next week, for intake for counseling I decided to do both… substance abuse, and grief counseling. Anger management might be needed too, but like you I’m ONLY angry when drunk. Would never hurt a fly. It’s so hard because to acquaintances I’m an angel and to the ones I love the most a truly disturbed person. Except for my daughter, I’m trying to keep it airy and light for her. What’s crazy is at the movies yesterday she said “mom, you forgot your wine” I told her oh wow, I sure did. And she looked at me for a second and just smiled and nuzzled into me. Then I thought of all the hungover days, all the days of cuddling in dark rooms because mom is hungover, driving drunk with her, vomiting and dry heaving… it may not have been violent outbursts towards her but I am now remembering how many times I’ve put her in danger. I just want to hide
Oh Roxanne im so sorry for your loss i really am… youve realised you need to get help with this and have already put that help in place so you can move forward, thats really brave you know n im proud of you for that, you should be proud of yourself for taking those steps, for now concentrate only on you and obviously your daughter…your in pain and u have been for a long time you wont be the first or the last to take things out on those closest, by commiting to your sobriety and getting the help you need youl find that in time these other things will begin to work their way out too but rome wasnt built in a day so for now please try and be kind to yourself…its ok to do that, no matter what has happened its never too late to make a change for the better
Is it weird to say I love you because gratitude and love are all I feel for you. You have made this week, this transition bearable. I’ve never expressed myself so honestly… probably because I’ve always drank when the feeling arises. Now, I know there’s no turning back because I’m completely AWARE. Also, I’ve never been so honest. It feels good to unload without judgment. I’ve been portraying a perfect life and judgment is what hurts me the most next to abandonment Day 8. I am going on vacation Thursday so I’ll need to tell everyone I gotta stay away at night when they begin drinking. I don’t think I should be around it right now even though my mind is not craving it.
Its like @LeeHawk said…let others love you until you can love yourself and i do have alot of love for you as a fellow addict, for what uve been through and where you are…its really tough but you can and will get through this, if ive helped u then thats reward in itself…its what we do here. Its part of the disease to be secretive and hide things but secrets keep us sick and thats what the disease wants, i remember feeling so much lighter once i just started being honest, it was like a huge weight lifted, youve got alot going for you Roxanne…youve begun to see the light, you have what sounds like a lovely daughter who loves her mama unconditionally and youve been brave enough to seek out some help for yourself…this is all an amazing start under really difficult circumstances, 8 days is brilliant but yes id air on the side of caution for now and not be around drinking for a good while, im so proud of u girl
It’s been rough. Reached out to my ex and he said he forgives me but wants me to focus on me. I woke up with agitation and anxiety so, called my sober buddies, took a trazadone and made it through work. My daughter is at her grandma’s so I was worried I’d do something dumb so I went straight to the gym after. Just got home and am gonna warm up some soup and melatonin myself out. I’m so uncomfortable I just want comfort. I know I need to respect his boundaries but I just wish he’d come home and trust I’m serious about sobriety. It’s hard doing this without him. 100% codependent and I feel so scared and uneasy without him.
He is right tho you do need to focus on yourself…hel know thats not how you want to act he just wants you to sort this out…do that, get yourself put right and who knows what the future holds…but youve got to do this for you, just you and not because you want him to come back. I know thats easy for me to say and alot harder when your in that situation but its true. Your gonna be ok, often the hardest times turn out the best thing for us i really believe that, keep doing what your doing and things will get better just gotta ride it out…you dont think u are but looking from the outside i think your doing so well here, sending you a massive hug
I know you’re right. This sobriety has to be for me otherwise it won’t stick. But, I’m just begging inside for ANY comfort. It’s not for the right reasons I want him back either. I never imagined I could feel so icky and scared. I ordered a weighted blanket, hope it works!! And massive hug back at you. Thank you endlessly for listening
This is why i said to u to try anything and everything to be kind to yourself because right now you need that comfort to get through shit, the blanket is a great idea, lots of hugs from your girl when she gets back, even down to foods you find comforting, hot baths…be your own best friend…keep reaching out to your sober buddies, family and talk on here whenever you feel the need to…i might not have all the answers but i never get sick of listening and trying to help…you are not alone
13 days sober vacation got much easier but look at the view glad, I stood my ground and said here instead of Daytona Beach!!
The icks come and go and the guilt still in waves but AA through zoom has made a difference and a couple of books I read are helping immensely. I always knew I was a drinker but I’m a fulllll blown alcoholic. It’s insane I didn’t believe so because I’m healthy, same job since 04, but the writing is on the wall. Surrendering the idea of casual drinking ever again. My only option is no option. I can’t ever drink again. It does make me still really sad and angry but I’ve been crying alot and screaming in the pillow it works lol. Thank you for checking on me!!!
I think that book really unlocked a notion in my head. Like, this isn’t a break this is for good!! But, I’m grateful that ever present disgust is dwindling… I just feel so vulnerable like okay… now what. All I’ve come up with is KEEP BUSY!!!
Its godamn scary when youve used drink to fall back on for so long…i was terrified but honestly it does get better the longer u stay sober…i think theres a degree of it all being so new in the beginning thats scary in itself…just like anything thats new… its unsettling but once it becomes your new normal it gets so much better…distracting in the early days is a great way of getting through it…i remember thinking how will i spend my nights n would sit drinking tea thinking about it constantly willing myself to not go buy some but i managed and now i barely think about it because now its normal to me to not have it if that makes sense xx
@rainy7 Excellent job on 13 days! @Starlight14 the support your giving is amazing. I just read your complete thread and am so proud of you both. Almost felt like I was invading your privacy, but as a newly 4 day sober fellow, I found this very helpful. I have also been to a couple AA meetings this week and continue to recognize how much the material says “we, us and our”. Thank you for sharing because that is what helps us all get better. Keep up the good work!
Hi there! Great to have you here…thats the beauty of this site…you can help more than one person at a time because its an open forum so you can read others struggles, the advice theyre given and apply it to yourself…the fact that this has also helped you gives me a warm fuzzy glow 4 days is great as imho the very first days are the hardest because your battling the mental and the physical together…your certainly not invading my privacy im glad your here with us and that you posted here welcome aboard the good fight
I would have had a nervous breakdown and for sure would have quit by now if it weren’t for the time, compassion, and efforts of @Starlight14 I had no clue what to do, or now what? It felt horrible but recently it’s getting so much easier. I’m glad you found this I express myself so well here but IRL I lack the words. I know the first posts sound awful but I needed to word vomit and now I swear it feels so bearable!! Congrats glad you’re here too. Because fr that WE, US, OUR is soooo real.
and to the ones I love the most a truly disturbed person. Except for my daughter, I’m trying to keep it airy and light for her. What’s crazy is at the movies yesterday she said “mom, you forgot your wine” I told her oh wow, I sure did. And she looked at me for a second and just smiled and nuzzled into me. Then I thought of all the hungover days, all the days of cuddling in dark rooms because mom is hungover, driving drunk with her, vomiting and dry heaving… it may not have been violent outbursts towards her but I am now remembering how many times I’ve put her in danger. I just want to hide 
glad, I stood my ground and said here instead of Daytona Beach!!
it works lol. Thank you for checking on me!!!
Keep up the good work!
I express myself so well here but IRL I lack the words. I know the first posts sound awful but I needed to word vomit and now I swear it feels so bearable!! Congrats