Welcome Kali! You are not alone. Many of us - nearly all of us, in fact - have hurt ourselves and others with our addictions. All of us have realized that what we doing with our use of drugs (including alcohol) or other addictions was a problem. All of us have been where you are, or somewhere similar: what’s happening, and what can I do?
First things first: the most important thing is for you to fix your relationship with yourself. I know it seems like you need to prioritize healing or amends to others, but you can’t do that until you have a solid relationship with yourself, with your sober self.
You cannot do amends until you have a solid relationship with your sober self.
That is kind of scary. It certainly was for me. I realized that I’d been running to my addiction to escape my life and my fears: I was afraid I couldn’t do life, I wasn’t good enough, etc etc, and I ran to the numbness of escape, into addiction.
Addiction is escape. Addiction is death, silence, numbness. In recovery, we learn to live again.
Look deep down into yourself and ask, do I want to change?
Yes you do. You want it more than anything else.
Now search, search, search for help, and don’t ever stop. Search for help the same way drowning person swims up, for air. You will get there - you are desperate to live. Your search for your sober, safe self is the most important thing in your life now.
Come here to TS & share, read, seek support. Join a recovery group. Don’t be ashamed. Every single person there has been where you are. They will understand. Keep an open mind and remember: the thing that matters is being sober. Nothing else matters as much as that - because being sober lets you live, free of your prison of addiction.
There are many other groups as well, some have in person meetings only and some have both in person and online:
Feel free to log in to a meeting 2, 3, 4 times a day. Whenever you’re alone or confused or craving. Being there is safer than being alone &/or drunk.
You are a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. Keep checking in and let us know how you’re doing!