Is recovery for me

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I never thought I had a drinking problem tbh I’m not entirely convinced that I do, just thought it was drinking culture where I am and socialising with friends.

But the more I think about the more the signs were there… drinking to change moods and when I’m trying to change my moods I dont seem to be able to stop drinking, I blackout sometimes and I change into a completely different person. There are times when I can have one and stop and a lot of the time I dont even feel like a drink but I think I have a problem with binge drinking.

I went sober yesterday, on friday I blacked out and said some horrible untrue things to my boyfriend and I just dont recognise the person who would do that, i certainly wouldnt and i hate that i did it and I just want to take it back but I cant. He understandably broke up with me, I’m not sure whether I can convince him to give me another chance I probably cant. But I cant keep using alcohol as a crutch especially when stuff like this happens.

Even though I havent been drinking everyday the second I decided to stop it’s literally all I can think about. A few times i thought about stopping or reducing my drinking habits and the same thing happened. I dont want to drink I never want to drink again but all i can think about is the next drink.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and if anyone has any ideas on how to make amends, I know it might be too late to save the relationship but I just hate that I hurt him.

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First off if you have to question if you have a problem, you have a problem. Welcome to the site. But you are the only one to decide to enter recovery, none of us can tell you should or shouldn’t. You gotta want it for yourself. You gotta work it for yourself. Good luck and know we all are here for you no matter what you decide

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I know that it’s difficult to come to terms with the inevitable sometimes. No one can TELL you that you’re an alcoholic. We all have to come to terms with this on our own. Only then can we admit that we are powerless over alcohol and then start taking steps to fix ourselves. It would be difficult for me to give you advice to make amends to someone when you need to be focusing on making amends with yourself. It’s kind of like asking us how to fix handlebars to a bike so you can ride it when it has no chain. I applaud you for coming on here and looking in the mirror! Sometimes that’s the hardest part. But, if you’re still on the fence, here’s a quiz. We’re here for you when you start your journey when you’re ready :heart::hugs:

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Welcome Kali! You are not alone. Many of us - nearly all of us, in fact - have hurt ourselves and others with our addictions. All of us have realized that what we doing with our use of drugs (including alcohol) or other addictions was a problem. All of us have been where you are, or somewhere similar: what’s happening, and what can I do?

First things first: the most important thing is for you to fix your relationship with yourself. I know it seems like you need to prioritize healing or amends to others, but you can’t do that until you have a solid relationship with yourself, with your sober self.

You cannot do amends until you have a solid relationship with your sober self.

That is kind of scary. It certainly was for me. I realized that I’d been running to my addiction to escape my life and my fears: I was afraid I couldn’t do life, I wasn’t good enough, etc etc, and I ran to the numbness of escape, into addiction.

Addiction is escape. Addiction is death, silence, numbness. In recovery, we learn to live again.

Look deep down into yourself and ask, do I want to change?

Yes you do. You want it more than anything else.

Now search, search, search for help, and don’t ever stop. Search for help the same way drowning person swims up, for air. You will get there - you are desperate to live. Your search for your sober, safe self is the most important thing in your life now.

Come here to TS & share, read, seek support. Join a recovery group. Don’t be ashamed. Every single person there has been where you are. They will understand. Keep an open mind and remember: the thing that matters is being sober. Nothing else matters as much as that - because being sober lets you live, free of your prison of addiction.

Online meeting resources

There are many other groups as well, some have in person meetings only and some have both in person and online:

Resources for our recovery

Feel free to log in to a meeting 2, 3, 4 times a day. Whenever you’re alone or confused or craving. Being there is safer than being alone &/or drunk.

You are a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. Keep checking in and let us know how you’re doing!

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I felt the same. I always could go easely a couple days without booze, so I’m not an alcoholic. But I realized, we don’t have to hit rock bottom or be physically dependent to have a problem with drink. Having a drinking problem is as simple as: Something shitty happened while drunk and then we questioned our behaviour. We started worrying. That’s your gut telling you, hey, change something, because this feels wrong. You don’t have to be a full blown alcoholic to quit booze. You don’t even have to think about quitting forever. Just quit for now. As an experiment. Follow that inner call for sobriety. And watch yourself with curiosity. How will you feel after some sober time? In fact, curiosity about what will change (for the better) is the main thing that keeps me going. And so far I haven’t been disappointed :wink:

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Do you like to read?

You may enjoy a book called The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.

The author of that book seemed to have a similar drinking style and outlook as you do. It’s a really great book and interesting story.

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Welcome! This is a great first step.

Food for thought: Normal drinkers dont fixate on drinking. Might be an indication that drinking is a little more of a problem.

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you don’t find many people on an addiction site by accident, to make amends you apologise and ask what can I do to make things better for you and you prove you mean it by never drinking again. Even if this is the end of the relationship you will still go into the future with no what if’s, you did your best.

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I know it may sound stupid but this guy is literally my whole life and I’m losing him because of one night I never want to drink ever again but I just cant lose him and the idea that it’s too late is making me spiral

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have you spoke to him, what’s the situation atm. If he loves you he’ll support you once he calms down but I’m sorry to say this if you were that awful he can’t forgive you then it’s a huge lesson to learn for your next relationship.

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Hi @Kali2 -

For years I always felt I didn’t have a problem…I was just having “fun.” Like you, I was a binge drinker…come Friday it was on, and it continued till Sunday, but then I’d turn it off for the week…do school or work, and then back at it for the weekend. My husband was the same as me…for awhile maybe worse, but then I got into my mid thirties…

By this point I was in a solid career and making money…come home from a long day, and just having a couple to relax, but overtime the couple turned into a bottle, and in a drunken state I could be Jekyll and Hyde…was very defensive and would say hurtful things to my husband…definitely not me or how I felt, but I said the things. My behavior continued to go up and down…my husband changed his behavior with drinking, but I just couldn’t…so the hiding began.

I drank at the pub after work, and when that wasn’t enough…I started sneaking vodka in; easier to conceal and got the job done. Probably my darkest period, and my husband was beside himself…I became super anxious, depressed and isolated myself as much as I could. When an opportunity presented itself aka I could hide…I drank, and I almost lost my husband…

In Dec 2020 I gave up hard alcohol…I haven’t touched vodka or any other liquor since. In March I had a lapse on wine, so I had to reset for that, and I’ve been holding my ground, but then recently I started to see a hiding pattern begin with Cannabis…I’ve dealing with back issues and trying to numb pain, but once I made the connection with the secretive-ness I got scared and decided that I’m cutting that out too…I just don’t want to send myself back down a rabbit hole…

So, my husband and I are going to therapy…just to keep us on track and give me a sounding board so I can begin to relearn to live and cope without substance…

If your significant other loves you…you have a good chance that he’ll return, but you can’t do this work for him…you have to do this for you. Don’t get stuck on the relationship with him…sort yourself out and everything else will fall where it is meant to fall. I know it’s scary to think of your world without him…I was petrified that I ruined it all, but once I realized that this work is mine and for me alone things began to click…and they can for you too, @Kali2 …

Don’t give up on you…you are worth this fight, a d there will be bumps in the road, but if you want change it can be yours…you can turn this around! Brighter days are in your future…this is your time!

Fight, Rise and Thrive! We’re here for you!

Wishing you much success and May light and love of self be yours!

Blessings to you!

:blush::raised_hands:t2::sun_with_face::ocean::sunflower:

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