I was smoke-free for almost 2 days. Which is usually how long I last before I start smoking again. I’m not sure how many attempts I’ve made in the last couple of years. I’d put it closer to the hundreds. I swing between openly professing my love for cigarettes, while secretly loathing my enslavement to them. I will dream, hope, and plan for a life without them; yet, typically allow for a “just in case I don’t” contingency plan.
I recently reached out to the “free and confidential” quit lines for my State as well as the National line. Both times I wasn’t qualified. For the State, the reasons given were that Medicare doesn’t pay for smoking cessation. (I called and verified, they don’t.) And for the National ones, I don’t qualify because I am “a suicide risk”.
I have no social support outside of my wife. I don’t have friends. I’ve recently learned through a series of humbling experiences that many of the reasons involve me. I have had terrible interpersonal effectiveness. I didn’t realize how I used people as limerent objects. I inflated my own self-importance. I’d place myself in situations, groups, and lives where I was neither wanted nor needed. Inevitably I would be left feeling abandoned or unloved. Again, it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I am unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But, through a series of journaling and self-reflection, I am grateful for this revelation. Because it neither diminishes nor negates my value in life. I can still make meaningful and positive impacts in the lives of others. Nevertheless, I’ve come to a place where I am learning to not seek outside validation but find it within myself.
That being said, I’ve also realized that I have claimed being a smoker as my only true identity.
You see, I have never felt included or accepted in the straight “community”. Yet, I’ve never felt the same in the LGBTQ “community” either. I have formal education in Religion, yet have had doors shut in my face. I’m an artist through and through, but haven’t been included into the art world. In every “community” I have felt like an imposter. However there is one I’ve felt truly a part of: smoking.
Regardless of gender, sexuality, religion, political affiliation, economic class, or culture, smoking a cigarette has a shared human experience. Moreso, needing a cigarette is a shared human experience — in the smoking community.
And so, when I have felt emotionally isolated from everywhere and everyone else, I confidently find a place of acceptance smoking—even alone. Because I know there are others that are “sharing” this experience with me.
To give that up feels like an act of self-sabotage. It is terrifying to think that I’m giving up the one thing that has connected me to humanity, that has allowed me to feel safe in myself.
I’m not anthropomorphizing cigarettes, they are inanimate and not sentient. They don’t give two hoots if I smoke them or not.
It is a matter of self-acceptance, -confidence, -worth, and -esteem. It is a matter of belonging and community. And, even within my own family I am unworthy. So, I guess I am wondering if quitting is worth it? Is the struggles, waves, and change worth it? Am I enough? Not because others think it, but because I believe it? And, right now, I don’t know.
Every time you quit cigs is a cig not smoked
Quitting nic is tough but I did it over 300 days ago. I didn’t know I could do it till i did
As far as community acceptance, it’s a normal thing to be yourself anywhere you want and if your being treated bad for that, the people treating you bad are in the wrong because no1 deserves to be treated poorly for being themselves
Feel better soon friend
Thanks for the response! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and replying. 
Yes it is 
Your share reminds me of my gradual emerging awareness of how self-centred I was in my active addiction and how I still walk that landscape of self-obsession in my recovery. Every I did I assessed it in terms of how it would make me feel, what it would give me, etc etc. For me that was my addiction keeping me in the hole of addiction, where I am alone and the only person I can be with is myself.
(Edit to add: the selfishness is not rooted in me as a person. Instead it originates from how addiction is about using people. Addiction uses me like an all-consuming parasite, isolating me and using my body to sustain itself, and when I’m in my addiction I use my relationships and my resources to cater to me and my wants, which ultimately feeds back to the addiction.)
It is a lonely place.
In my growing recovery I have found ways to be of service in my recovery community and that has helped me to find meaning and fulfillment. I have made true friends in my recovery group that have depth my relationships of the past never had. (There’s a list of recovery groups here: Resources for our recovery; there’s also the Grumpy A-holes (quitting cigarettes/ nicotine products) (Part 2) thread for recovering from nicotine addiction.)
You are not alone - there are millions who have walked the path before you and you are learning from their experience. It is possible with a humble attitude of learning and taking it one day at a time.
Welcome back to Talking Sober! I remember you from a couple years ago.
Thank you for sharing a part of your story! And thank you for being a part of mine. I’m glad that I am back, albeit like a dog with its tail tucked. 
I went to the gym and smoking was giving me a problem with my breathing so gym or cigs and i choice gym that was over 37 years ago wish you well
That’s where I am, too!
I will start with I am here because of alcohol but have some experience with smoking and nicotine. I will encourage you to look outside the United States for research. Countries in Europe have much high quit rates when it come to Smoking. I was a 2 can of chew as day user for years, I switched to synthetic nicotine pouches for a year, then went to coffee grounds. Still can’t kill the habit completely but have remove most of the chemicals. I did have to use the nicotine patch plan that target and walmart readily have available(cheaper than a carton of cigarettes) and it worked wonders. At the same time my dad who was a 2 pack a day smoker for 50 years used them too and is smoke free for over a year. Don’t be so hard on your self and don’t give up, just like there is a shared experience in needing a cigarette there is a shared experience in quitting them. If I have learned one thing about most smoker, and drinkers, and drug users it is that deep down they all at some point wish they could stop. Find the pride in being apart of the community of quitters.
Do you have any hobbies?
I love the perspective that just like there is a community of addicts, there is also a community of recovering addicts. What a beautiful and healthy way of looking at it! That’s going to help immensely.
Your post hit home for me in a couple of different senses. My main issue (my DOC) was drugs. But i too smokes cigarettes for quite some time. I have quit both (3+ years for drugs and 14 years quit from nicotine) and i honestly can say that quitting both was the best decision i ever made.
It is human nature for us to want to find belonging. To want to find our “tribe” so to speak. I felt that with smoking as well as with drug use. In fact, one of the hardest parts of quitting was removing myself from that sense of belonging when it came to others that used drugs and smoked. I felt like i was sort of abandoning them (the very people that understood what it was like to be addicted, those that understood my pain and why i was the way i was).
But the reality is tho is that there is also a community of people who have quit smoking. U will never be alone friend. I am one of those people in that community. There are others on here as well who have quit smoking as u probably already know.
It is scary to make such a big change (quitting smoking) when smoking has seemingly given u so much. But i can also tell that ur ready to quit otherwise why would u be here. I think its important to realize, and remember, what the consequences of smoking are. To see it for what it REALLY is. All the risks that are involved in smoking are astronomical. Instead of focusing on what u think it does for u, focus on what it really does to u. All the health risks and the financial harships that it costs (bcuz smoking is expensive).
I know when i quit, i used the step down system of the nicotine patch along with the gum. My husband who is trying to quit now is on Champix. Idk what is available for u there but maybe there is something there that can help u 
You ARE worthy of a healthy, fulfilling life. And im glad ur here, expressing urself and asking for help. That shows that u havent given up
Wow! Thank you for taking the time to share a bit of your story. I appreciate that a lot.