For me it is important to understand myself and be self-compassionate. I have to let go of the idea that someone else will completely understand me and my problems. Finding support here is for me more of, ahh see, I am not alone. That’s kind of normal, okay. I am not weird. If I would continue to make everyone understand my story I would be lost.
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I think I remember you had posted about this before… that sucks so much you haven’t gotten the kind of support that I’ve heard others get in AA. I hear about good experiences with it, but I’ve also heard it just doesn’t work for some people. I don’t go to AA but I have used a lot of the concepts of the steps in my recovery.
For me this forum was really what got me through everything in the beginning. I used it all the time. The people on here knew more about me than people in my real life. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, you can find lots of different tribes for different aspects of your life.
I don’t think non-addicts can relate super well to what it’s like to be in active addiction and what that feels like. But life is traumatic for everyone. Everyone can relate to suffering and shame. Especially on here… you can find your tribe on here. It takes work (like being consistent with posting and engaging with others, and being VULNERABLE which can be scary), but everything worth having and doing is a little challenging.
You’re doing a great job so far from what I’ve seen (for what it’s worth).
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I haven’t been to any 12 step meetings but I am surprised to hear that when you did you weren’t allowed to talk about stuff with them. From the impression I get from others here who have benefited from 12 steps, a sponsor is someone you can open up to about your struggles as you work through the steps. Anyway, I will let people who have done 12 steps comment on that, there are lots of people here who have.
I have found lots of support on this forum which has taken many forms, e.g.
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reading other people’s stories, about their struggles with substances and the behaviours/ thought processes etc that went along with them, has helped me understand more about myself. It has helped me see that I am not the only one who thinks/ feels/ acts in certain ways, as well as helping me make sense of stuff in ways I hadn’t necessarily considered before
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seeing what leads to people relapse has helped me (so far) avoid falling into some common traps that might have led me back to drinking
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seeing how people cope with situations that could be difficult to navigate sober has given me ideas of how to do the same
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building connections with people who understand the challenges of living sober, that includes having some fun and goofing around, general chat, as well as the sobriety stuff
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having a group of people I can be honest with when I am struggling. Sometimes just the act of pulling the thoughts out of my head and into writing helps me organise them, or get a different perspective on them. Getting sympathy, advice, encouragement etc can absolutely be helpful, but often just the act of being honest (with myself as well as others) can help me see what I need to do next.
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being able to ask for advice in difficult situations, or just talk about difficult situations. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that
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sharing successes and having people who will cheer you on
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that support actually stops cravings, more that it can help us develop the tools we need to manage those cravings. Being part of a community doesn’t stop us ultimately having to make our own decisions and choices.
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This makes sense.
I think writing increases my anxiety, so this is not idea.
12 step recovery seems to be luck of the draw. Experiences vary, but nearly every sponsor I had would have hung up on me for saying what I said here. If you cannot know each other’s last names, it is hard to get close, so none of the relationships there got close , for me at least
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When you say tools to manage cravings that is the kind of thing I still want .
Prayer is the only tool you get in AA or NA. It never helped me much.
20 years later I am still trying to figure out how to stop myself
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That doesn’t sound very supportive. I suppose as a huge volunteer effort it makes sense that there are lots of different approaches to 12 step. And I think in a lot of groups, at least from what I read here, there is a social element. With social media, WhatsApp and the internet in general maybe there are more opportunities to connect outside of meetings now? It probably still varies from group to group!
Of course there are other options available, not just 12 step, in person and over video call. You may have seen this before but am linking to it here anyway as its a really useful list:
I started going to Recovery Dharma last year and it suits me. There are still quite a lot of online meetings but my local group is doing in person meetings again now which is nice. We have a group WhatsApp chat and a few of us are going for a meal after the meeting tonight. There are a couple of people I connect with outside of the meeting, mostly on WhatsApp. But if I wanted to arrange to meet up with anyone individually I reckon there are people who would be open to that too.
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Here’s what has helped me stay off the pipe, powder, needle, pills and drink for 29 years. I go to meetings to hear a newby tell about their train wreck of a life and share my wrecks and successes. That helps me remember the way I was. Sobriety is a gift you can’t keep unless you give it away. The way you do that is go to meetings and participate either by listening or talking. You never know if it’s you that be receiving or giving help.
DK
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You could always ask them 
You can’t really endanger someones recovery by working on your own.
Try being open enough to talk to an addict like a friend. If they made it out of their lifes gutter, I don’t think talking to them like a friend is going to send them back.
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I never heard many stories like that. But when I did, I usually regretted not making better use of my active addiction twenty years ago–which I did not find helpful.
I listened. I spoke. For over 15 years.As much as meetings helped, they also fueled drug fantasies. So I do not think it is a healthy place for me. It was too isolating.
Wait! You mean let myself be open and vulnerable ? Admit that I do not know what I am doing?
Damn! I would probably prefer a stance of smug superiority, but if that is not possible, I may have to follow your suggestion.
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But I just had some call me to work on their recovery, and it made mine harder.
It is hard though to find an addict you can be open too. Most have been through 12-step programs and we get told there that trying to help someone through a craving is against the first step.So you can never be completely open with them.
Try SMART meetings.
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Thank you.
These groups are social, but not open. Watching the clusters that go out together over the years, they rarely change lineup.
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I wanted to go for many years, but the one meeting near me conflicted with work.
However, I have a few weeks where I can try it.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
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Honestly, One, I think you are trolling. You’ve started other threads like this. No one on here has experienced NA/AA meetings where you are NOT encouraged to share your experiences as an addict. There are many sobriety communities/platforms out there. If these don’t help you, then keep looking. There have been many suggestions brought forward. Best wishes to you.
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I went through the same thing about 8 years sober. I couldnt shake it. Nobody in my recovery support group co-signed my idea, so I quit talking about it.
The thought was still there, growing until I acted on it with nine years ten months continuous sobriety.
I thought I had it all figured out and that it would be really easy to quit again if my experiment failed.
I was wrong. It was hard to come back to recovery. It took nine years to surrender to recovery again. Its been way harder than I ever imagined it could be. Im lucky to be alive.
Im grateful I finally found my way back.
It wasnt worth it!
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Trying to help someone through a craving is against the first step.
What? Lol
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But is literally the definition of the 12th step. I do know of some groups who claim to be AA, but really are just a bastardized version of it. They act similar to what he is describing. Our local district took the extraordinary step of disaffiliating with the group because they would force members to stop taking their meds. A few people ended up committing suicide. The lawsuits then followed.
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For every person who tried to suggest something, you’d rather respond with a reason why its not worked for you, you may have not used for many years but you won’t accept your life without the substance can be better. You can’t really say you’ve given it your all at recovery when you’ve given effort once or twice and because you don’t feel you can talk, you block that said past…
I’ve sat there for over 10years knowing already how i’ve always been an addict but believing to the core i was better on drugs.
I hope you find that inner peace where you open your eyes and notice that the aubstance will not help you.
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