Uh, well it helps for me.
Im not trying to sell you anything but those connections are vital to me when I need to pull myself out of a hole.
I am trying to find out how it helps you. But I got stuck on my own stuff.
I do not see how it can help when you cannot admit what is going on. That was always a big stumbling block in 12-step programs. It is like friends will never completely understand, and you cannot be open enough with addicts to talk to them like friends.
I agree it is important to have people who will tell you the truth, but if you cannot tell them the truthā¦
Support is just that, supporting you along the way while you put in the work to recover. Itās good to be around people that care about you and can show you compassion and understanding in hard times. Or be around to celebrate your milestones and achievements. Itās so nice to just have people there.
Today I hurt my leg on a water slide (waiting to see how bad it is and yes its ridiculous 
)ā¦ but it was so nice to have people there that I didnāt know (life guards), and my sonās and their father as well. My older son basically came and rescued me and pulled me to the edge of the pool all on his own. My ex and other son came right over as soon as I asked. They werenāt able to actually heal my body, thatās my jobā¦but they made me feel like I wasnāt alone and that I could literally use them as support to help me walk. Knowing they are there is such an added bonus to this injury.
I didnāt really read much of this thread so I could be saying things that have already been saidā¦ but itās good to have a tribe, connection and community are the opposite of addiction.
5 Likes
Thank you.
I think you may be right. The people I am close to help just by letting me be honest and open. But addiction is such a gap between us that they never really become part of my tribe and community in that regard.
I do not know if it is possible for addicts to have that same honesty without triggering each other. Maybe it would help. I never been close to anyone else with an addiction.
Even in practical terms, how do you even talk to someone with an addiction.I met addcits and had sponsors in 12-step recovery, but anonymity and not sharing any weakness meant we never got too close.
1 Like
For me it is important to understand myself and be self-compassionate. I have to let go of the idea that someone else will completely understand me and my problems. Finding support here is for me more of, ahh see, I am not alone. Thatās kind of normal, okay. I am not weird. If I would continue to make everyone understand my story I would be lost.
4 Likes
I think I remember you had posted about this beforeā¦ that sucks so much you havenāt gotten the kind of support that Iāve heard others get in AA. I hear about good experiences with it, but Iāve also heard it just doesnāt work for some people. I donāt go to AA but I have used a lot of the concepts of the steps in my recovery.
For me this forum was really what got me through everything in the beginning. I used it all the time. The people on here knew more about me than people in my real life. But I donāt think thereās anything wrong with that, you can find lots of different tribes for different aspects of your life.
I donāt think non-addicts can relate super well to what itās like to be in active addiction and what that feels like. But life is traumatic for everyone. Everyone can relate to suffering and shame. Especially on hereā¦ you can find your tribe on here. It takes work (like being consistent with posting and engaging with others, and being VULNERABLE which can be scary), but everything worth having and doing is a little challenging.
Youāre doing a great job so far from what Iāve seen (for what itās worth).
3 Likes
I havenāt been to any 12 step meetings but I am surprised to hear that when you did you werenāt allowed to talk about stuff with them. From the impression I get from others here who have benefited from 12 steps, a sponsor is someone you can open up to about your struggles as you work through the steps. Anyway, I will let people who have done 12 steps comment on that, there are lots of people here who have.
I have found lots of support on this forum which has taken many forms, e.g.
-
reading other peopleās stories, about their struggles with substances and the behaviours/ thought processes etc that went along with them, has helped me understand more about myself. It has helped me see that I am not the only one who thinks/ feels/ acts in certain ways, as well as helping me make sense of stuff in ways I hadnāt necessarily considered before
-
seeing what leads to people relapse has helped me (so far) avoid falling into some common traps that might have led me back to drinking
-
seeing how people cope with situations that could be difficult to navigate sober has given me ideas of how to do the same
-
building connections with people who understand the challenges of living sober, that includes having some fun and goofing around, general chat, as well as the sobriety stuff
-
having a group of people I can be honest with when I am struggling. Sometimes just the act of pulling the thoughts out of my head and into writing helps me organise them, or get a different perspective on them. Getting sympathy, advice, encouragement etc can absolutely be helpful, but often just the act of being honest (with myself as well as others) can help me see what I need to do next.
-
being able to ask for advice in difficult situations, or just talk about difficult situations. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that
-
sharing successes and having people who will cheer you on
I donāt think anyone is suggesting that support actually stops cravings, more that it can help us develop the tools we need to manage those cravings. Being part of a community doesnāt stop us ultimately having to make our own decisions and choices.
3 Likes
This makes sense.
I think writing increases my anxiety, so this is not idea.
12 step recovery seems to be luck of the draw. Experiences vary, but nearly every sponsor I had would have hung up on me for saying what I said here. If you cannot know each otherās last names, it is hard to get close, so none of the relationships there got close , for me at least
1 Like
When you say tools to manage cravings that is the kind of thing I still want .
Prayer is the only tool you get in AA or NA. It never helped me much.
20 years later I am still trying to figure out how to stop myself
1 Like
That doesnāt sound very supportive. I suppose as a huge volunteer effort it makes sense that there are lots of different approaches to 12 step. And I think in a lot of groups, at least from what I read here, there is a social element. With social media, WhatsApp and the internet in general maybe there are more opportunities to connect outside of meetings now? It probably still varies from group to group!
Of course there are other options available, not just 12 step, in person and over video call. You may have seen this before but am linking to it here anyway as its a really useful list:
I started going to Recovery Dharma last year and it suits me. There are still quite a lot of online meetings but my local group is doing in person meetings again now which is nice. We have a group WhatsApp chat and a few of us are going for a meal after the meeting tonight. There are a couple of people I connect with outside of the meeting, mostly on WhatsApp. But if I wanted to arrange to meet up with anyone individually I reckon there are people who would be open to that too.
3 Likes
Hereās what has helped me stay off the pipe, powder, needle, pills and drink for 29 years. I go to meetings to hear a newby tell about their train wreck of a life and share my wrecks and successes. That helps me remember the way I was. Sobriety is a gift you canāt keep unless you give it away. The way you do that is go to meetings and participate either by listening or talking. You never know if itās you that be receiving or giving help.
DK
5 Likes
You could always ask them 
You canāt really endanger someones recovery by working on your own.
Try being open enough to talk to an addict like a friend. If they made it out of their lifes gutter, I donāt think talking to them like a friend is going to send them back.
3 Likes
I never heard many stories like that. But when I did, I usually regretted not making better use of my active addiction twenty years agoāwhich I did not find helpful.
I listened. I spoke. For over 15 years.As much as meetings helped, they also fueled drug fantasies. So I do not think it is a healthy place for me. It was too isolating.
Wait! You mean let myself be open and vulnerable ? Admit that I do not know what I am doing?
Damn! I would probably prefer a stance of smug superiority, but if that is not possible, I may have to follow your suggestion.
1 Like
But I just had some call me to work on their recovery, and it made mine harder.
It is hard though to find an addict you can be open too. Most have been through 12-step programs and we get told there that trying to help someone through a craving is against the first step.So you can never be completely open with them.
Try SMART meetings.
2 Likes
Thank you.
These groups are social, but not open. Watching the clusters that go out together over the years, they rarely change lineup.
1 Like
I wanted to go for many years, but the one meeting near me conflicted with work.
However, I have a few weeks where I can try it.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
1 Like
Honestly, One, I think you are trolling. Youāve started other threads like this. No one on here has experienced NA/AA meetings where you are NOT encouraged to share your experiences as an addict. There are many sobriety communities/platforms out there. If these donāt help you, then keep looking. There have been many suggestions brought forward. Best wishes to you.
3 Likes