I have been through a lot in the last 20 years.
Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results? That is where I am.
The program definitely helped me cut back on drug use. But I could not get completely clean till I left the program. If it works for you, that is great.
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There is definitely more than one program. You continue to go around and around about the program. Perhaps you could try SMART or Recovery Dharma. Those both have elements of support but SMART leans into systematically changing your thought patterns around addictions. It seems like that might be beneficial to you, right now. It doesnāt seem to me that you are interested in what other people have to say, except to tell them it wonāt or doesnāt work for you.
I hope you can get past this roadblock.
I cannot imagine becoming close with anyone from a meeting. I told my ex-sponsor about what I am going though now and as expected he blamed me because I didnāt hang up on an acquaintance to called because he wanted to use.
Then my ex-sponsor hung up on me.
Even if I had not admitted that I was feeling drug cravings, I am such an open book that they could see it. And even though I know it is self-preservation rather than rejection, it hurts. I would hurt more if they were a friend
I am interested in what people say. But I have 20 years of this, so I have tried a lot. I think people expect to do drive-by help. They throw something out but do not want to really engage.
I have looked into Smart Recovery but the one meeting near me conflicted with work for many years. I do have a window to try it now.
Also, I have just heard about Recovery Dharma.
I guess I just do not know what I am supposed to be getting from any of these meetings. I feel like I already know that this is my fault and my responsibility. I want to know how to change it (without having to quit my job, move, buy a new car, etc.)
Smart Recovery does sound like it is about change so that is appealingā¦
I guess what I really want is to not feel so alone.
I think 12-step recovery was so isolating for me that I just doubt everything. I wish I had friends in recovery.
In meetings everyone tells you how well they are doing. But I know nothing about them other than how big their house is and how great their job is. None of it is anything that matters.
It is all about putting up a good face. But I wish I knew someone in recovery that I could talk about the real stuff with.
But that would probably be too triggering for them and for me.
I would have to call them disqualified.
Your here. If you were convinced that using again is your best option, I dont think you would be. I know that it wasnt for me. I was convinced I could do it different this time and I failed.
I have witnessed many other people try again and fail.
I hope you dont try again. Its not worth the risk
your not alone. your here. Keep trying things. dont give up!
Like I said, I have not wanted to use since almost the beginning.
I just could not stop myself. But I knew it was bad for me and hated myself for doing it.
I do not want to do it now. But I remember how I would get to the point where the only way to clear my head was to use and get over it.
Then I could have a few weeks of peace.
Then it would start again.
But I never thought it was a good thing or that I could manage it. I just wanted the thoughts to stop.
You are a good and kind man.
But yes, this is alone. Not as alone as without this. But still alone.
I feel like a drama queen. But I am trying to take the urges seriously.
I used to think I was okay and could hold outā¦until I called a dealer.
I still get random thoughts to drink, or start shooting up.
It defies logic. Why after all I have been through would I want to get loaded? Even think about getting loaded? Yet I still do.
Sometimes its just a random thought thats really easy to redirect, other times its a full blown craving. Sometimes its a desire to take the edge off, other times its full blown self destruction.
Its a daily reprieve. I have to constantly remind myself that. some days are easy. Others, not so much.
Destroy that number.
a guy I used to buy meth from is my neighbor. I look at him like im going to kill him if he tries to talk to me. Its working.
I have no dealerās number. I think that may be how I got my 5 years clean time.
Dude!..we are all engaging with youā¦look at all these people in this thread trying to engage to help you through 
Ah Jasonā¦dam you got strong recoveryā¦
I am thankful for those who are.
But others are upset when I say, that I have tried what they suggest.
I think for the first few years of recovery, you get excited by these ideas. They are new to you. So they get upset when I say, āThat is old stuff and I dun it.ā
I had strong recovery before I relapsed. I guess thatās why when I see someone else thinking about relapse I feel that I need to share my experience.
Some days I feel strong in recovery. Some days my recovery feels fragile.
Iāve been in a bit of a funk lately. Helping others helps me. I feel good about myself if my message helps someone. It helps change all the negative experiences alcoholism has given me into something positive.
It helps me see how far I have come from a seemingly hopeless state of mind. It helps me push my next drink or drug further away.
I feel pretty strong today.
I have the impression that a favourite word of yours is but. In most if not all posts there is a but.
Like, yeah, I understand but. But dismisses the first part of the sentence. I am working hard on not living in my world of butās. Too many butās messed with actually trying and maybe trust someone or a process.
You really have helped me so much. I appreciate that you take the time to write so honestly.
My shrink said to me once that my whole lifeās work has been to distinguish one thing from another, to articulate what makes each individual thing different from others.
So much so that the only similarities I look for are the unexpected ones.
Which I think makes me a ābutā man.
I do think sincerely though, that recovery comes from relationship and sharing rather than any helpful ātip.ā that gets tossed off.
When someone tells their experience, I can see what they do. I can compare it to my own and see what is different and what is similar.
I am not a fan of 12-step recovery, but I think they are right about that. Tell someone your experience rather than give adviceāthat theme runs throughout the literature.
Of course the hard part is I do not have any contact info for people in recovery, other than a few ex-sponsors. But no personal relationship is really possible there.