I think your kids are that connection to something larger than yourself that seems to be so important to recovery.
I have been clean for over five years, with only the occasional-easily-dismissed thought of using. Maybe it is COVID disconnecting me from my connection to something larger that made these thoughts come back.
Heya, I also didnât see the value in surrounding myself with other addicts the first time I cleaned up off drugs. In my mind I thought⌠1. What the hell could another drug addict ever teach me about NOT using drugs. I wanted to be around people who didnât use drugs EVER! 2. I didnât want to ever be around someone who could potentially fall off the wagon and drag me along with them, I was scared. The further away I kept myself from drugs and drug users the better.
That mentality didnât get me very far. The people I surrounded myself with tried so hard to support me, I tried so, so hard to stay clean. I saw mental health teams, was put on a wild concoction of medications but nobody understood that fucking demon living inside me. I couldnât talk to anyone about that inner battle I was fighting every minute of everyday and have them say⌠âyah, I get it, I feel that too.â
It is a very powerful feeling being around a bunch of people who âGet youâ . Like really get you⌠I had never belonged anywhere in my life but I sure as hell belong at every single NA and AA meeting I sit down at. We are addicts and no matter where we come from or what our background story is we all fight the same daily battle.
That is support you can not trade for anything.
I just got this one from my recovery WhatsApp group.
âIf using is the answer, then what is the question??â
I have no idea where you are but I would suggest hearing some honesty from some strong (lots of clean time ) UK NA meetingsâŚ
I feel like something is bit twisted up somewhere,and people, places, and things are nothing to do with my understanding of recovery and how NA works . It just works. For me I have to listen to lots and lots of different perspectives and different experiences to see how it can work for me. I really do hope youfind the freedom soon. 
I think meetings are great when you are doing fine.
But when you are having a rough time, it is a lot harder to listen to everyoneâs good fortune.
I like forums like this because you can talk about what is really going on. But I hate forums like this because we are not really present with each other.
I can think of a few!
I had debt and family responsibilities so I could not follow a lot of my sponorsâ suggestions for first-step actions. I think that put me in the outer edge of the program.
I have listened a lot over two decades, but I have not heard much about how people got clean or sober. Instead, I have heard stories of how much success people have had in sobriety. But no one want to talk much about how they did it other than vague statements that âI did the steps.â
So I feel like I never got much of a practical sense of how people recover. For example, I did not know until recently that not all sponsors required step actions. Had I known that, I might not have given up on the steps. I did not know that some sponsor actuall WOULD talk to me while I was struggling. (All my previous ones would hang up, saying it was against their first step.)
I like the online forums because we are more open and honest here. Here you do get different perspectives and experiences. I never got that in meetings. Maybe it is different in the UK, but here there are a lot of unwritten rules that preclude such openess.
I would say about 3/4 of all meeting left me feeling alone and hopeless. I always figured that if I could get through an hour of feeling bad in a meeting, it would toughen me up so I would not use.
I am probably writing too much. But I feel like after 20 yeas of holding in my experience, it is now vomitting out here.
This is probably more than I have ever talked to any addict.
Are you currently going to meetings?
I do Recovery Dharma and enjoy it. Meditation based and there is inquiry work although Iâve not done that formally. I have kind of gone through some of it here on the forum though, before I joined the meetings. My main reason for going to meetings is to make sober friends. I do share when I am struggling, as well as the successes. Successes are definitely easier and it can be tempting to try and put a positive spin on the struggles. Its easier than being vulnerable I guess.
For me, the inquiry is about uncovering the addictive patterns and behaviours and understanding them so you can then begin to dismantle them, change your perspective.
E.g. if I think about my alcohol use, on some level I believe I drank to try and fit in, because I didnât have enough self esteem to be myself. Shifting that has been a multifaceted thing for me and it is a work in progress. Part of it has just been practice, spending time sober. I havenât become a pariah because of it. I have lost some connections, but others have become stronger and Iâve made some new ones. I can see the benefits that sobriety brings me - this forum and now Recovery Dharma give me an opportunity to regularly reinforce that. Another part has been changing how I view myself⌠Is there any reason that I am inherently unworthy? I donât believe that other people are. Everyone has good and less good qualities, we are all perfectly imperfect humans. Everyone I love also does things that irritate the hell out of me sometimes, ha. As I have gained more understanding of why I am driven to do things to seek validation (through meditation, reading other peopleâs stories here, therapy etc) I have been able to make decisions that help me not put myself in those situations. And where they are unavoidable, I work to find acceptance.
I understand that the idea of an online forum is impersonal, but I have made some incredibly meaningful connections here and I hope you can too.
Your original post is about your struggle with cravings. Are there any particular situations or triggers that make it particularly difficult? What do you do to manage them right now? I donât have experience of crack and am also relatively new to the recovery scene so Iâm not sure I will have any relevant experience to share, but someone else might!
I do not go to meetings. Just being in the room with addicts gets me fantasizing. I did not get clean until I stopped, so I would not be comfortable going back. Especially now, since I am craving.
I was doing okay for about 5 years. Then I had some cravings and an acquaintance called to tell me he was an addict and needed help to not use. I did the best I could, but then started thinking that here was someone who could connect me with a dealer, etc.
For me, I think being friends with someone in the program would be difficult. Without the kind of open communication we have here onlne, I just would not feel close, like an actual friend.
Over fifteen years in the program, I did not make any friends. Partly because I did not know that was a thing your supposed to do until after I left (and people said it online). In fact, my first sponsor said we were not there to make friends. But also, I think you need to be more open than is possible within the program. I admitted here that I had drug cravings. I do not know anyone in the program who would stand for that.
I only asked about meetings to see if it was your current experience - but if thatâs not the path you want to go down thatâs totally fair enough 
and you have the info about other programs if you choose to try them 
Back to your actual experience though - is there anything thatâs actually causing your cravings? Any particular situations, emotions, etc? And how do you currently deal with them when they come up?
Yes. I am on a medical treatment that has increased libido. Sexual feelings were a trigger and celibacy is much harder now.
I masturbate, but I still want to do it with othersâŚwhich I think causes the thoughts.
Someone here seems to think that makes me a sex addict, but I think an interest in sex is normal.
So is chemsex the thing youâre craving? You mentioned crack earlier on in the thread so Iâm not sure. Thatâs all out of my wheelhouse - so I have nothing specific to offer⌠But again someone else might!
I suppose as you mention celibacy then that might be why it is presumed that sex addiction is or has been an issue for you?
I am not sure what chemsex is. I just know that when I found crack, I was able to enjoy sex for the first time.
I do not get the connection between celibacy and sex addiction. I did have a sex addict roommate who was in SLA and SA. He said that celibacy was NOT something they felt was healthy.
I have a feeling if I was a sex addict, I probably would have found a way to have sex eventually. But it was not something I enjoyed anyway, so even though I never planned to give it up, it just kind of happened. One day, I just realized I had not had sex in years.
It starts with telling the truth and admitting
Opening up about everything that is going on with you is vital. I have seen it Work for many people including my close family members
You do not necessarily have to do it exactly as others do. But Iâve seen no matter what you do to stay clean that opening up and being COMPLETELY HONEST and letting it all out will help you to start a brighter better future.
I completely agree. I think that is why I could not stop till I got out of 12-step recovery. Being able to be open and honest about everythingâeven the nasty stuff, was what I needed to get clean.
Wow! You have long meetings over there. Here in the US, all meetings are an hour.
Yeah I feel it. My mom has been clean for about 18 years now and she said she started with meetings and then felt out of place so she just did her own thing
She would just do whatever it took to follow the principles, and have good values. And just apply them to her every day routines and it worked for her.
And I read some of the stuff you mentioned and I saw you mention that having urges or cravings made you kind of feel bad. But I want you to know that these thoughts are completely normal, if you are a true addict you are going to have these cravings or nasty thoughts itâs what we do. I would suggest to just let people know that is happening in your head, let that stuff out! Better to let it out then to completely like shut down and dwell on it. Our mind can be our biggest enemy, but it can also be out GREATEST WEAPON!
If this app helps you then I suggest you and I and everyone on here continue to use it. I get more from this and talking to you and the rest of the people on here than I do talking to my sponsor
I do not think drug craving make me feel bad. But they do make me feel scared that I will use.
When I said ânasty thoughtsâ, I just meant anger, depression, and all the things you cannot admit as current emotions in 12-step recovery. But you cannot mention drug cravings eitherâwhich is a big problem for a program that is supposed to help you deal with them!
