Ive decided to start my sober journey. I didnt realise I had such a big problem with alcohol, just that I would sometimes binge drink and black out and do unpredictable things. A few people mentioned before I was out of control but I just thought I had some issues with controlling the amount of alcohol. This NYE things got way out of hand, I couldn’t stop drinking and I became aggressive and violent towards my partner. I became delusional about what was happening and was super aggressive, I hit and kicked him, I said horrific things to him over and over and the situation became public and really bad. Ive humiliated myself and my partner, ive humiliated us in front of his friends, I made a public spectacle where people thought I was being abused by him but the truth is I was blacked out and I absolutely lost the plot. I am so sickened by my behaviour, I dont know how to live with myself and knowing what I have done. I have acted absolutely insane and violently and verbally abused the person I loved. Im not this person sober but I do have alot of mental health issues and have been really struggling with depression. I dont know how to deal with this deep and relentless shame and self hatred for who I was and what I did. I want to stay sober now, I can see my alcohol intake is problematic and dangerous to myself and others. I am struggling so much with these horrific emotions and flashbacks, I feel like a terrible person and that I dont deserve forgiveness from this
Ok, take a breath. You are here among people who can share your feelings and experiences. I also did terribly out of character things drunk. The thing to focus on is sobriety and recovery. The past is unchangable, what you do right now to build your future is important.
There is some great advice here
What’s YOUR plan?
And information here
Resources for our recovery
The good news is you can be a totally different person, one that follows your values, from right now. You just need to put the work in and we are here to support you. And you do deserve it.
Welcome Nicole.
It’s a disease. A sickness. We are not bad people. We’ve done some awful unforgivable things and getting past the shame of all that can be difficult.
Coming here and finding us is a great first step. That is how I started my sober journey. Right here with the best bunch of addicts from all over the world.
Have a good read around. Keep your mind wide open to what works for others here. And join in when you’re comfortable.
We got you back. Just ask.
Welcome,
You’re honest, and thats the first step.
This place is a good start, and I hope you stick around.
Yeah, that sounds like a really really tough night. But, ive had mine too.
Sometimes it takes a deep brokeness, to realize just how bad it can get.
Check into AA, and go from there too.
Even though it hurts, its painful and you’ll be full of every emotion.. just got to take the fist step forward.
Regardless of outcome and keep sober.
The acceptance that the party and destruction is over.
A lot of us have been there. Time and work will heal. People do forgive and forget. People will be proud of you and impressed with what you’ve achieved but you will have to prove it.
This isn’t terminal. There is a way back. Take it on the chin, make amends and create change.
I understand your feelings, but you are not a terrible person! It’s the alcohol, not you. But it’s deffinitely time to let the alcohol go and be the real Nicole again. So I’m glad you find us 
Welcome here Nicole. More then 7 years I found this place too and I’m still here because this place changed my life. I’m sober since. What has helped me was being here a lot to read and listen. Trying all the tips I’ve got from others. Some worked, some not, but they left me with my own sober “toolbox”, a plan. Here is mine: 2 years sober and what helped me to get there: I descibed what has helped me when I reached my 2 years. Make your own plan and add everything in it what works for you ore what you want to try (like AA for example). Make yourself a back up for when cravings occur. Be prepared, that’s my main advice 
Sorry for the ramble, stick around! You are at a good place! 
Ive been there too Nicole, i fought physically with my own mother once during a black out, didnt remember a thing about it…i know now that for me to do that which is so far removed from the person I am meant that I was extremely sick, thats not to say I dont take responsibility for what I did because i do, there are no excuses but there are reasons, in the early days of my recovery I felt exactly the same as you…that crushing guilt, the shame and the hatred I felt for myself was all consuming…I think I thought that the more I could hate and berate myself it would somehow absolve me of what id done but I realised with the help of people here that that would only keep me sick and in my addiction…what is needed here is compassion…compassion for yourself….you are not some kind of monster you are an addict fighting a disease of the body and mind and you need help, love and compassion…to do that is difficult I know but start small….get your basics down and go from there….try to eat, hydrate, find solace in things that you find comforting….warm baths, fluffy pyjamas anything that is not drinking….treat yourself with care even if you dont feel and it will begin to come one day at a time, I am sending you a huge warm hug because I know exactly how your feeling, it will blow over and it will be ok again xx
Thank you for your advice and kindness I appreciate it so much
Welcome Nicole, glad you’ve reached out on here, that’s a massive step for you and a positive one. Unfortunately it can take us to hit rock bottom to give us the kick up the butt we need, that definitely happened with me and many of the lovely people here. I know the guilt and shame is intense at the moment but it will eventually pass, you’ve been given some great advice in previous comments, take your time having a look around on here, do some reading, can’t recommend that enough and take baby steps, you’ll find what works for you. Addiction is a bitch but as the days go by your recovery will totally out weigh it 
it’s hard but be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Sending strength and huge support your way 
How are you feeling today Nicole?
I do hope you stick around and build the life you deserve to have.
You will need to do a lot of soul searching, reading and absorbing as much as you can and a hell of a lot of work. You are worth that fight!
All I know for certain after my two years sober and finding myself in many situations over the years that you described is that it does get better. The shame does subside. You will walk with your head held high if you stay on the path.
Best wishes to you Nicole 
Thank you for checking in, I appreciate it. I am doing a little bit better and I appreciate this community hearing that other people have also massively messed up and bounced back. Im just trying so hard to stop beating myself up for it, Im hoping with each passing day I might be able to face myself again without feeling such hate. Im trying hard to get there! Thank you again!
That’s ok….it does take time i know that….it will still be very raw for you at the moment thats why for now try your best to go through the motions of treating yourself with kindness and care to keep yourself healthy to give yourself the best chance at getting through this….you cannot fight the negative with more negativity, keep talking to us we are here for you xx
Thank you for being so honest. You’re in the right place — people here understand and don’t judge.
I just want to say this: it’s really good that you’re choosing to face this now. Many people (myself included) try to convince themselves that there are “safer” ways to drink — less social, more controlled, more hidden. In my experience, that only delayed things and made the damage quieter, not smaller.
You’re reacting early, and that matters. Please be gentle with yourself in these first days. Shame can be overwhelming, but it doesn’t define who you are or who you can become.
Focus on staying sober and supported — you don’t need to manage what others think right now. You’re not alone here.
Welcome to the community @Nicole01 I can resonate with your experience of doing things totally out of character when drunk or on drugs and the shame spiral kept me trapped in my addictions. I too suffer with mental health conditions but have found that, without alcohol, I am better able to manage them. Alcohol is a depressant and removing it from your life will be a positive step for your mental health. I hope to see you around on here, you are not alone. 
Hi @Nicole01 You are definitely not an awful person. And coming to this place shows that you care enough to let the world see the wonderful person you are. I am at 154 days sober in large part by finding this wonderful place. And one of the most important things I learned was that using Alcohol is a horrible addiction that we can all fix with each other’s support. Stay on a sober journey and you will definitely see and feel the growing distance between you and the alcohol which changes and damages the real you. This group is always here so please stay close.
My best, Len
Welcome Nicole, I’m on day 8 of my sober journey. This place is a safe one and has helped me immensely in my short time here so far.
I had those same things happen when my drinking got out of control. Though my husband would never lay a hand on me, in a drunken/blackout rage I have pushed/hit and thrown things at him in the past.
The positive? You have acknowledged the problem and taken that first step towards your healing journey! That’s HUGE! There is a saying that you’ll hear around the forum: ODAAT=One Day At A Time. Definitely breathe, ask questions, lean on others and take care of yourself ODAAT 
~Nina
Nicole, I’ve been there, not in public, but at home. But choosing in-patient will be the best choice you can make for yourself and all who love you. Black outs, injuries, loss of possibly your relationships with those who you love will ONLY get worse. It’s inevitable. Contact me if you would like. I can be of support 