I have the rather unpleasant feeling that , for me, resolving to get sober and stay that way is a farce. I want to, really badly. But I am a mess even though I do try to be positive and have the mindset that I am not a mess, the raw truth is, I am. I am guilt-ridden, pain-ridden and although anything bad that happened to me does not bother me, (what does not destroy us makes us stronger) some of my automatic responses do seem to reflect it. For example I am terrified of displeasing anyone and making anyone angry and if I somehow manage to do that despite all efforts to please, I start shaking which makes the people even more angry. Anyway I am beginning to feel that I should not come here anymore even though it does help, because I might be a negative influence, I have relapsed over and over and I feel like a farce .
Dude, you’re not a negative influence nor are you beyond repair or beyond recovery or more of a mess than a lot of other ppl on here have been or still are. Myself included. 
Life isnt magically going to get fixed by being sober, much less our emotional states. Think of sobriety as the baseline condition to be able to start addressing your emotional complications, pains and struggles.
All that shit you’re repressing and denying - what doesn’t kill us blabla - is going to have a chance to come up and actually be worked through, understood and in some ways, partially, overcome while in recovery. Not by recovery alone. But by work you will have to and also hopefully want to do on yourself while you’re maintaing long time sobriety.
When we get sober, we stop running and give ourselves chances over chances to face what hurt us and begin to develop strategies to live with those things. As memories, by understanding them, feeling our feelings, knowing our own - not always pleasant - truths about ourselves. It’s a long term process. And it’s the only way forward. So do yourself a favour and don’t quit this place if you already know it helps you get started.
Some fav threads of mine:
Resources for our recovery
Mental health memes and discussion (Part 2)
Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)
Good luck. And continue to do the work. You’ll see changes. If you won’t, you won’t, that’s a given.
PS: I also feel it’s important for you to hear: what I have read of your story is very sad, very hard and I can imagine why you would be in great pain and the troubled person you are. Anyone would be. I personally was so troubled I thought for a very long time that I was beyond help. But I wasn’t and neither are you. So: we see your pain. And: you will get better if you get help and begin to help yourself. However “better” might look like for you.
You don’t get it until you get it. But when you get it, it is worth it. Keep trying.
I second @Faugxh in that sobriety is the baseline for healing. 1st step, stay sober. Then you can start unpacking all the reasons you drank and the things you did while drinking. Just don’t drink today.
You do belong here. This is a site for addicts who are trying to stay sober every day. We are all in this day together. I’ll stay sober with you today.
I like that, Trusty Bird…that you will be sober with me today. Thank you
Hi @DaughterOfTheSea good luck in your recovery We’re all doing it one day at a time just stay in the day 
This sounds interesting @YogiBayer I’m going to look into this thank you 
Hi @DaughterOfTheSea
Welcome from Wales.
Like many on here, I too have relapsed over and over.
But I never give up.
Keep checking in here. So much support.
First of all, welcome.
I hope you stick around this place is amazing.
Second of all, you are not beyond help, no one is. If you’re willing to try you’re never beyond help.
I once had a psychiatrist telling me that I was a hopeless case, that she couldn’t do anything to help me. And she was right, she couldn’t help me with that attitude.
So eventually I found another one that helped me help myself.
Did I magically stayed sober on track and happily ever after because if that? Nope. Because that’s not how everyday life works.
I’m on year five here, can’t even count my relapses during that time. Currently I’m soon 5 months sober again. No matter if it takes me five more years, I’m going to keep trying.
Personally, I appreciate the raw honesty that this community offers. If it were simply an echo chamber of positivity I would not find it helpful. The truth is that life can be very hard, and many of us who have struggled with addiction have trauma that we are still working through. Now I’m no mental health expert, but it sounds like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” might be the narrative you are telling yourself, but really you do have unresolved trauma. I think a good counsellor could maybe help you examine and process that and work towards a place of healing. Sobriety doesn’t automatically fix everything, the trauma is still there and we need to learn how to cope and process it without substances. That’s my two cents, but NO you are NOT a negative influence in this community!
I felt the same way for a very long time. Four years ago I relapsed after 4.5 months sober and just could not get a handle on it again. I even hid how bad I was struggling here bc I was so ashamed that I kept failing. Eventually I left the forum and only used the timer, until deciding hitting the reset button every day was dumb. 134 recorded resets, plus who knows how many other “attempts”. But they weren’t real attempts bc I wasn’t done drinking yet. I hadn’t really learned my lesson. Once I stepped away, my life was pure misery for 3 years. Half of me wanted sobriety so bad and the other half had given up hope. I’ll never know if it would’ve been better had I stuck around. I do know that torturing myself that much longer is what finally made me realize how bad I wanted sobriety. For real. And just like that, one day it just clicked and I was done 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a mess. Just not a drunken one.
I don’t think you realize how much you help people by being here. Only those who’ve been thru it can understand. You belong here with us. Whatever you do…Never give up. Never stop trying 
You deserve it
Absolutely love this
hi daughter,
everyone is giving you such great feedback here. If I could add just one thing–the idea that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger never sat right with me. Also, when I actually read Nietzsche and learned more about his (short) life, I felt even more unsure about the idea. I recommend checking out this short article if you want a reframe on that idea. (I put a quote below if clicking a link is not for you).
You belong here! You will heal if you give yourself a chance, get some support, and do the work. You are totally worth it. 
Article excerpt:
…“But the bulk of psychological research on the topic shows that, as a rule, if you are stronger after hardship, it is probably despite , not because of the hardship. The school of hard knocks does little more than knock you down, hard. Nietzschian—and country song wisdom notwithstanding, we are not stronger in the broken places. What doesn’t kill us in fact makes us weaker.”
Lmao. You’re gonna make people angry just for breathing bro. Just do you. Eetswa
Thank you for that 
Thank you. I tend to disappear because I really am not contributing positively on here, but I just cannot. I try very hard to rise above things, and keep positive but the raw truth is that I am like an old beatup tired automobile that overheats, drains of battery, and barely chugs along…
@DaughterOfTheSea I sometimes disappear too if I think I’m being too negative. The last time was for about 3 year’s. I invested my life full-time to the church I was going to and to bible study. However, since coming back this time I can clearly see that all anyone was trying to do was to help me. They even checked on me when I was away getting my life together. That’s real friends! That meant the world to me! Noone here is going to judge you. We’ve all been there. I hope you stick around. 