Dude, you’re not a negative influence nor are you beyond repair or beyond recovery or more of a mess than a lot of other ppl on here have been or still are. Myself included. 
Life isnt magically going to get fixed by being sober, much less our emotional states. Think of sobriety as the baseline condition to be able to start addressing your emotional complications, pains and struggles.
All that shit you’re repressing and denying - what doesn’t kill us blabla - is going to have a chance to come up and actually be worked through, understood and in some ways, partially, overcome while in recovery. Not by recovery alone. But by work you will have to and also hopefully want to do on yourself while you’re maintaing long time sobriety.
When we get sober, we stop running and give ourselves chances over chances to face what hurt us and begin to develop strategies to live with those things. As memories, by understanding them, feeling our feelings, knowing our own - not always pleasant - truths about ourselves. It’s a long term process. And it’s the only way forward. So do yourself a favour and don’t quit this place if you already know it helps you get started.
Some fav threads of mine:
Resources for our recovery
Mental health memes and discussion (Part 2)
Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)
Good luck. And continue to do the work. You’ll see changes. If you won’t, you won’t, that’s a given.
PS: I also feel it’s important for you to hear: what I have read of your story is very sad, very hard and I can imagine why you would be in great pain and the troubled person you are. Anyone would be. I personally was so troubled I thought for a very long time that I was beyond help. But I wasn’t and neither are you. So: we see your pain. And: you will get better if you get help and begin to help yourself. However “better” might look like for you.