Kevin's accountability log

Life in Recovery
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351

Today is day 11.

There have been moments when I’ve been walking in the flesh this past weekend. It’s most challenging for me to practice God’s presence and walk in the spirit in the presence of my family.

Someone gets angry about the food, my driving, my jokes, the weather, feeling sick. And my fleshly response is to get impatient and angry. I did that a few times. At those times, I’ve repented. Turned and reconnected with God. This walking in the spirit thing is not perfect, but that’s the goal I’m trying to aim for.

Realizing that my anger often doesn’t work out God’s righteousness, it’s important for me to keep walking in a spirit of prayer even when I’m with my family, which is a lot.

My brain’s toxicity level has been at 3 for the last 11 days. I’ve learned that my flesh cannot be trusted. Not for 1 second. So I maintain praying throughout the day. And my walk with God has never been closer.

Turning my will, every decision, every way, to acknowledge God in everything. He’s my master. I serve Him. Not the other way around. And I sense God feeling joy to have me close to Him.

As God as my master, I’ve surrendered my mind and my eyes over to His direction and guidance. I’ve learned that in order to stop my porn use and my sexual acting out, I need to address my uncontrolled eyes and free-racing mind. For if I don’t do that, then I will continue to fall into the same pile of dirt.

Many people have the privilege to drive. But others don’t. Some never earned the privilege. Others have lost the privilege due to bad behavior. I’ve lost my privilege to look at or think of such things that my perverted mind can use to indulge in it’s perversion. Over the decades, my flesh has continuously demonstrated that it cannot be trusted. So I don’t. But because I cannot do it in my own power and strength. I simply keep an attitude of prayer throughout my whole day. I don’t leave God’s presence. He’s always there anyway. Why check out? Can I really do anything without God? Should I really do anything without Him?

Several times over the past week, my mind, eyes, and flesh wanted to partake in lust. Wanting to go into fantasy. Wanting to take a look at the jogger in my peripheral vision when driving. Wanting to check out all the women in the grocery store. Wanting to entertain that fantasy when going to sleep. Wanting to surf the internet or YouTube. And when any woman enters my field of vision, my flesh wants to stare, but I bounce the eyes. All is confirmation to me that my flesh cannot be trusted. So I don’t. I start praying and I don’t stop. Even when I’m driving, or with my family, or eating, or working. I cannot do this on my own. My will and my way doesn’t work. My mind is seriously broken.
My mind, eyes, and body belong to God. And His way works. God is bigger than all of this.

It doesn’t matter how old, how fat, or what she is wearing. If I don’t look, I’m not going to lust.

But if I do look, it still doesn’t matter how old, how fat, or what she’s wearing. My perverted mind takes me from zero to pervert in less than a second.

One thing that I need to elaborate on. I’ve never developed an interest towards minors. Although, the porn industry promotes it. And if I continue to allow myself to be led by my flesh and my own will instead of God’s will, then I will probably head in that direction.

When it comes to privileges, one who has lost this privilege to drive could still choose to disobey. Getting in the car, that person puts his/her life and the life of others at risk. And that person could face severe consequences.

Similarly, I could choose to permit myself to go against God’s instructions. Don’t look at or think about such things that my flesh could use to indulge in it’s perversion. But if I do, I’m putting myself and others in jeopardy. And I’m facing severe consequences. And I don’t give myself the permission to stray away from God like a curious self serving goat. Because I’ll say it again. My flesh cannot be trusted.

Not for one second.

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Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that.

I can only speak for myself. I cannot speak for anyone else or everyone else.

There are a lot of men (including porn addicts) that can handle looking at women without it going too far. When I was in SLAA and SAA, not a whole lot of attention was placed on thoughts and looks of lust. For many, simply avoiding the physical acting out behaviors seemed good enough.

But over the years, I have discovered that sexual sobriety from the physical behaviors isn’t enough for God. It isn’t good enough for my wife. And it isn’t good enough for me. My mind was already filthy and perverted well before my first exposure to pornography at age 6 and way way before my first MB at age 13. Simply removing the pornography from my life isn’t going to fix my messed up mind. This isn’t just healthy male sexuality. This is perversion. To answer one of your questions, no, I cannot look at a bunch of women, and smile at them without lusting. Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m rude. If I’m directly interacting with another woman such as the grocery checkout person, or a waitress, or bank teller. It is appropriate to make eye contact. And a smile is appropriate too. But it doesn’t have to be a lot. And I can handle those few interactions that I have throughout the day. But for the vast majority of women that are in my field of vision, they don’t know me. And they’re not looking at me. For the most part, I’m invisible to them. And many of them wish to keep it that way. I don’t see any benefit for me to look at any of the women all around me that I don’t know.

As for the second question that was raised, am I white knuckling it?

You’re talking to the king of White knucklers here. Over the past 6 years that I’ve been a member of TS, I’ve probably clocked in over 1500 days of white knuckling. Of course, not all in a row. White knuckling is terrible. Fighting cravings all day long holding on for dear life. That’s not fun.

That’s not what’s happening now. In order to White knuckle, I have to crave. I’m not craving. Because I’m not entertaining fantasies nor am I entertaining lust.

Now extreme sounds like a better word to describe this path of mine. But I’ve tried the less extreme approaches that I’ve seen all around me from others that struggle with this addiction. At this moment, I’m feeling an element of joy, peace, and victory. And freedom too. And maybe I haven’t been sober long enough to tell. So I’m a little cautious. But I’ve experienced 11 days worth of level 3 days in a row. That’s unheard of for me. I don’t think I’ve had that many level three days in my entire life. The toxicity level in my brain usually has exceeded six throughout my time here on TS. Levels 9 and 10 are considered resets.

I feel I need to reiterate that I need to make Jesus my master. Without Him, I can do nothing. I’m not going to try to do this without Him. And that means that He’s not just my helper or the one who cares from me in time of need. Although He does care for me and He helps me. But I’m to serve Him. Not the other way around. If I don’t make Jesus my master, I go back to my old master. Which is sin. And sin is a horrible, cruel, merciless master. In this world, I don’t have the choice to serve nothing. The fact is, I’m going to serve something. I might as well start serving someone good.

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Last week, I reset my counter.

For not only did I fantasize and lust,

I did a bunch of nasty searches on YouTube.
I checked out escort ads.
I checked out sex forums.
I cruised the streets for prostitutes.
I turned off my blocks on Covenant Eyes.
I turned off my YouTube restricted mode.

And last Friday evening, I stopped. And while I was at a church meeting, I felt like my brain was such in a fog. And I believed that I at least still had my sobriety. But the truth hit me that I hadn’t.

So what that I didn’t actually view any pictures because I turned off images in my browser.

So what that I didn’t get busted by Covenant Eyes.

So what that I avoided the more well known porn sites.

So what that I didn’t MB.

All of the behaviors I’m guilty of above are level 9 or greater. That’s a reset.

A former me would have not called this a reset. I’m glad that I didn’t allow my toxicity level to go to 10. But I’m so disappointed in myself. I certainly wasn’t paying attention to my boundaries. I crossed the line and I couldn’t even see or admit it until several hours later.

Anyways, I just needed to come clean. I’m at 7 days sobriety again. One day, this week, my brain’s toxicity level went up to 7. For the rest of the days, it’s been around 4. I’ve been entertaining a lot of anger and rage. My eating habits have been poor. I’m still trying to yield myself over to God, but I have a long way to go.

Small compromises lead to great disasters.
Little sins lead to big sins.

If I cannot show restraint in the smaller things, sin lies at the door. Yielding myself to Jesus’s yoke seems to be the only solution for me.

Gosh! I wished I stopped myself last Friday. There was no real pleasure, only frustration. And wasted time.

Learning experience? Well, pay attention to my boundaries for one. If I had done that, I probably would have averted a disaster. Especially with the operating my phone with no restrictions or blocks. That’s level 9 behavior and loss of sobriety the minute I do that. Once I did that, I made it possible to do everything else.

And I still cannot allow myself to entertain fantasy or lust. If I do, maybe it’s not exactly a reset, but it does the same damage to me as a recovering alcoholic taking that first drink.

Staying in prayer. Not trusting in my own power and flesh. I have hope. God is working on me. I will see freedom. And it’s going to come by submitting my life completely before God.

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That’s a good question.

It’s not uncommon for my anger and rage to manifest while resisting the urge to feed my lust. Kind of like a withdrawal symptom.

And I’m guilty of using anger prior to lusting and fantasizing to increase the dopamine spike in my mind. Since I’ve used fantasy to calm and smooth myself when things go wrong. Playing a traumatic moment in my head, getting angry, raging, destructive, and then imagining it all away by replacing it with a sex fantasy, has been a common strategy of mine.

But all of this is rooted in my shame, including my anger. Because of this internal feeling that I’m worthless, I fall for the following lie.

That if I come off as perfect. Hide my flaws. And don’t be a problem…

Then I will get the love that I want. Get my needs met. And live in a problem free world.

But, of course, this is not true.

Nice Guy Syndrome. So instead of being direct about my desires and needs, I assume that if I behave a certain way, then they’ll get met automatically. But they don’t and that leads to frustration and anger.

Also, I’m horrible with conflict and confrontation. My first response is to flight. Run away. But if I can’t do that, I’ll blow up! I’ll fight! Like Johnny Rambo style. Rage. Violent rage. I struggle with constructive anger. It’s easier for me not to get angry at all. Because my anger goes overboard.

And the anger in my mind is not constructive anger. I imagine some unknown bully or situation THAT’S NEVER OCCURRED. I imagine myself doing crazy diabolical deeds to others and their loved ones. Sometimes, my body will flail around violently as I’m in my imagination. Which leads me to lusting and fantasizing it all away. That’s a pretty unhealthy cycle.

Obviously, I have more to fix in me than just my porn use. And I have to admit that I’m guilty of trying to do it without God’s help. I can spend the rest of my life trying to fix all this wrong within myself. But God doesn’t want me to try to fix the fix. He really just wants to fix my broken relationship with Him. Counseling, groups, accountability partners, books, as helpful as they are, are not a replacement for God’s presence and power in my life. God doesn’t want me to dwell on such angry thoughts. But instead of fighting the thoughts on my own, He wants me to fix my thoughts on Him. And His will, His yoke. In order to really be free, I need to let God be my master.

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Thank you for your honesty. I know the brain fog you get afterwards. It’s surreal. You have to go so far away from yourself to be in active pmo addiction that it’s hard to find your way back.

There’s something on my mind I’d like to discuss with you. Would it be ok to send you a private message?

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Huge hugs Kevin. I dont really have any suggestions or advice for you but i want u to know that I hear you and that Im grateful that youre here. I am always amazed at your insight amd openness on this forum. I agree that God can do for us what we literally can not for ourselves. He can give us strength and inner peace and calmness and relieve that bondage of self in our lives. All he asks from us is that we ask Him. He will never force this on us as he is gentleman. But all we have to do is open that door. Turn to Him not only during the hard times but also to give thanks. I often struggle during those hard times with that urge to take care of it myself. Im so used to not having anyone that i am naturally inclined to want to try and fix my own problems. I literally have to stop and force myself to pray and ask for help, even tho my instinct is to rely on myself. But once i genuinely ask God for help, he never fails me. He will never fail you Kevin :slight_smile: i am beyond proud of you. I really, really am!
On a side note (and i dont want to make this about me but I did want to mention it), i do want to say that ur posts help me. You know my history with the sex trade, and i often never understood i guess why the men i saw reached that point when they felt the need to hire a sex trade worker. I never understood the feelings (the anger and pain) that I felt from them which ioften was transferred onto to me. And i guess ur post helps me to understand in a sense that there is so much more going on than what I saw or experienced from the men I saw. That we are all human beings just trying to survive and feel somewhat okay with ourselves. That I, as a former sex trade worker, wasnt the only one experiencing a hard upbringing or feeling alot of internal pain. Im glad ur write what u do, bcuz it does help me in a sense with my past. Hope ur day improves :slight_smile:

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I appreciate you asking permission.

As a general rule, I avoid DMs with other women. I’m sorry.

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I thought so and I understand. I’ll try to summarise.
As I read about your struggles, I wonder if this book could help you. I got it several years back and it has helped me a lot. It gave me understanding that there’s sometimes more than the eye can see. I dare to recommend it bc you talk about your faith in Jesus. If you’re not interested in the book, that’s ok. Wish you well.

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Thank you for that recommendation. I think that would be an excellent book for me to read. Especially since I’m now focusing more on the spiritual matters of my life.

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I hope it’s helpful if you end up getting it. It’s the most balanced book that I’ve read on the topic.

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Hello everyone, I’ve been concentrating on dwelling in God’s presence over the past few days. I’m trying to keep a spirit of prayer, but I find myself getting sidetracked a lot. Which is okay at the moment. It’s progress.

I had a few thoughts of rage or the past few days. And on one instance, yesterday, I checked out a young woman. For about 2 seconds. And there have been a few times where I’ve entertained fantasies involving other women besides my wife. I stopped myself before they started going sexual.

For the most part, I’ve been very diligent with not paying any attention nor looking at other women throughout my day. And maintaining a spirit of prayer throughout the day. Maintaining custody of my eyes and mind is not as hard when my attention is focused on Jesus.

I’ve been reading a few books. One of them is an old book called the Porn Trap. I learned a new word, pornify. It’s used to describe my behavior when I lust after another woman. I pornify her. I turn her into a sex object for my own selfish desire without a thought of care for her feelings whatsoever. That’s what my subconscious does. It turns all the women that I look at and think about into pornography.

This has been my first building block behavior before I even saw my first porno mag at age six. And I see how just avoiding the obvious porn from my life was not sufficient enough. My act of pornifying women was simply an act of moderation. And according to EasyWay, moderation keeps the dopamine flowing in me causing me to crave, a lot.

In the S Fellowships, a common term used was the three second rule. Thats where the person allows to view another beautiful person for 3 seconds without lusting and then move on. It’s supposed to help encourage healthy sexuality while avoiding the unhealthy. And I do believe that it’s been a helpful practice for many. The problem with me is that this old perverted brain of mine can’t do that. In less than a second, my subconscious leads me to pornify the person. I’m pretty broken about this. My only solution is the zero second rule. If I check out a woman for exactly zero seconds, then it won’t lead me to lust.

And all of this is being done in a spirit of surrendering my will and life over completely to God. It’s time that I acknowledge Him in ALL of my ways. Instead of making a bunch of sacrifices and then, for the most part, running off on my own, living life for myself, pursuing my own ambitions.

And it’s been working quite well, thank you.

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Fantasies…

I try to stop. And I’ve not been perfect. I caught myself entertaining some fantasies yesterday before they got sexual.

But this morning right when I was waking up, I had a sex fantasy. None of these were for long. Less than ten seconds before I catch myself and stop.

I haven’t checked out any women since that last time a few days ago. I’m not looking at any women around me. And to be honest, it feels that this addict, subconscious part of me is having a fit about it. Maybe I’m feeling like the alcoholic that cries, “Why can’t I have just one? Why can’t I moderate?”

When I say, “Why can’t I look without lusting?”
“Why can’t I at least have a fantasy?”

Today is my 16 year wedding anniversary. I had breakfast with my wife. And I’m feeling down. I should be happy! But I’m not. I’m a little depressed and tired.

If I could avoid lust and fantasy from now on, I’m still left with the realization that this subconscious part of me will always desire to fornicate myself. I can live with that. And I believe God can too. But I question whether it’s enough for my wife. Because as much as she tries to be supportive, I see how much my behavior really hurts her on a personal level.

The real truth is that my love for her is not enough to motivate this subconscious flesh of mine to desire no one else but her. And my flesh isn’t making a choice to choose porn over her. First of all, my conscious self, is rejecting porn. It’s my subconscious that wages war against my conscious, and I cannot turn that around. Moreover, there is never a decision to choose porn over my wife. My subconscious is misled to believe that women are like food. And it believes that having only one woman is like eating the same thing at the same restaurant every day for the rest of your life. It believes that 2 is better than one. And 4 is better than 2. That 10 is better than 4. 100 is better than 10. 1000 is better than 10.

The addict in me never considers what I’m doing as choosing one over the other. Instead, I end up being deceived that I can have it all! I can have porn, plus enjoy my wife, plus have any other woman that comes my way. These are all lies. By chasing after my perversion, I’m only left with a desire to consume more. 2 is not enough. Nor is 4, nor 10, nor 100, nor 1000.

But because I love my wife, and because I love God, I choose to not let my wicked flesh lead the way in my life. I don’t trust my flesh anymore. So I don’t walk in it. And In love to her and in obedience to God as my master, I choose to make my wife enough. I only hope that is enough for her.

14 days porn free since my last reset.

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Thank you.

It is freedom.

The white knuckling is gone and no more PIED

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This past Wednesday and Thursday were not such good days. I was lusting and fantasizing a lot. My toxicity level was at 7. On Thursday night, I checked in sober from porn and MB, but I was feeling defeated. And I was wondering if I would continue to progress in the wrong direction until relapse. Praying wasn’t coming easy to me either.

Yesterday was a much better day. Just a new day. No looks of lust, no fantasy. That was a good day. Drew closer to God. My relationship with Him is not perfect, but I definitely felt His presence near.

Today has been a good day too.

Me and my 22 days of sobriety. Let me assure everyone. My sobriety is not an ultimate definition of my recovery. I’m way better than my previous years with 200+ days of sobriety. For I’m finally dealing with core building block behaviors; custody of my eyes and mind.

I’m going to looking for resources pertaining to lust and fantasy and sharing them. Because abstaining from porn and MB is not enough for me. What happens to me is that my subconscious self wants to revert to lust and fantasy to get it’s fix. And ultimately, white-knuckling, and then relapse back into porn. This is where the real war is. This is the battle to take back my mind, my eyes, my home. There’s a lot of me and I. Sorry God, I forget. My focus needs to be redirected towards You. I’m not going live according to what I choose anymore. I’m choosing to acknowledge You in all my ways. But I’m grateful for the revelation. And I understand that nothing, no worldly knowledge, no fleshly weapon can replace Your power and presence in my life.

Some of things I could relate to this man shared in the above video.

He mentioned that when one lusts, there is a desire for the object of lust to lust back at you. And that is so relatable to me. My desire was to hope that any woman that I was checking out, would do the same to me, and we would exchange smiles, and then my perverted brain takes it from there.

He also mentioned that the war to rid lust is indeed a war. And it’s comprised of many battles. And I’m not going to win every battle. But if I win more battles then I lose, then I will win the war. And if I lose more battles than I win, then I will lose. And my life will be negatively affected, along with my marriage, my job, my family, my relationship with God.

I admit that much of my life in recovery consisted of losing battle after battle with lust and fantasy. Even during periods of long sobriety, I was still losing.

Those days are over. I’m no longer losing more battles than I’m winning. I may have lost 2 battles on Wednesday and Thursday. But I’m winning a lot more. I have to admit that coming to God in prayer has played a big role so far. Anyways, I do feel God reassuring me that victory is near. And that not only am I going to win, but I’m going to conquer. This is where the rubber meets the road. And I’m going to conquer.

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Dr. Jana Squires Flake article “working with addictions and compulsions” makes some great points, i can’t find it online, i literally just have a paper copy of this article, it’s gold. I use it in conjunction with easy peasy and all the stuff i’ve learned on this subject.

From the article:

It is important to undertand that as human being we have the ability to stand back and observe what is going on in our personal world. We are not our thoughts; we are not our behaviors, or our feelings. We Have thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. An essential element of this approach is that there is a part of us that is in the driver seat. Dr. Schwartz calls it the impartial spectator. It could also be called our will, our intelligence or the observer. We can observe our thoughts, actions, emotions and physiological state. You can change your thoughts. Therefore we are not our thoughts. There is a part of us that is not addiction or compulsive but can observe the addiction or compulsion.

In this way of thinking about your emotions, you sense feelings, sensations, and thoughts from the perspective of the impartial spectator. You regard your thoughts and feelings as passing, ephemeral ‘mental events’ rather than as accurate reflections of reality. Instead of reacting to negative thoughts and feelings as ‘these are me’ you come to regard them as 'events in the mind that can be considered and examined. You recognize that thoughts are not facts, but instead events that come and go through the mind. Automatic thoughts can be presentated as being similar to subliminal advertisements: by learning to detect them, the patience can free himself from the effects.

To illustrate this concept: a person addictioned to pornography could, by using his impartial spectator, manipulate his thoughts by:

  1. Rather than gazing at a womans body (or imaging it) look at her in the eye and say to yourself, "this is a human being, not an object. This is someone’s daughter, sister, mother. If you have an image come to your mind, make it wavy like looking in a mirror at an amusement park, make the image very skinny or really fat. Use your will to change something about the picture. You will then see that you have the ability to gain some control over the thought by making an alteration to it.

This might sound weird but when i’m having a fantasy, i force myself to see the person’s face as the Predator (the move). Or some weird alien. I want it to be as grotesque as possible: AFTER ALL WE KNOW THIS IS THE LITTLE MONSTER, ASKING US TO GREASE THE SLIDES, KEEP MENTALLY EDGING!

Back to the article:

Name the behavior: An important part of this impartial spectator concept is to be able to name the urge or compulsion when it arises. This helps us to recognize the reality of the situation but not be quickly moved into the feelings and physical sensations that follow. Naming the urge also moves the energy from the mid brain where appetites and passion resides, to the pre-frontal cortex where higher thinking takes place. The next time the obsessive thought or urge arises, just call it what it is: "This is the urge to drink alcohol or view pornography. (or in our case, the LITTLE MONSTER). Once you’ve stopped to look at it, you can ask some quest5ions that might be helpful, “why has this come up right now?” What just triggered this urge? What happened just before i had this thought.

LASTLY: THEREFORE ONCE WE BELIEVE WE HAVE THE POWER TO REWIRE OUR BRAIN, THAT REWIRING BEGINS BY US BECOMING OBSERVERS OF WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR MINDS AND BODIES. WE BEGIN NOTICING OUR TRIGGERS. WE PUT A NAME TO OUR URGES. WE BECOME THE OBSERVER, NOT THE VICTIM.

Combine this with what you already know, just another tool in the war on porn. I’M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU IN THIS FIGHT! TAKE CARE.

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Today is day 55, and my mind’s toxicity level has been at 6 since day 52. Throughout last night to this morning, my brains TL level was at 7. I’ve been fantasizing and craving for the past four days. I’ve lacked custody of my eyes sometimes. I’ve not lusted after every woman in sight, but I’ve lusted after several. I’ve not viewed any P-subs. No MB. But fantasy is crazy in my head. So I’ve been losing several battles in a row this week. I’ve been trying to pray a lot. I’ve been listening to the Bible significant more amount yesterday. I’m still struggling, and I’m sad to admit that.

The holidays have always been a triggering time for me. I’ve acted out almost every holiday season in my life. December sucks.

Moreover, why is it that 4 to 7 days before a milestone, this subconscious messed up addict self deludes me into thinking that there’s value in cheating on my wife. I really didn’t pay attention to that upcoming milestone, but I can almost predict that by day 57, my mind’s toxicity level will be at 3 or 4.

My wife and I have not had S this month. Due to a fact that she has a UTI and a yeast infection combined due to her uncontrolled diabetes. Previously, this would not have bothered me. But I find myself desiring her more since I have been focusing on drawing all of my sexual energy towards her and her only. She told me this morning that her period came. But there’s good news. The infections appear to be gone. So once she’s done with her period, we can hopefully resume relations again. If I had reset, I would have been really sad.

Today’s a new day. Tonight I have my simple steps face-to-face meeting. Every Friday night. So knowing that, I’m hoping that’s going to give me enough motivation to avoid any more fantasy and lust today.

God, I need your help. I’ve been struggling. I don’t want to be like this. Please help me. Please. Thank you. Amen

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Geez, i have been talking to you on this site for a couple of years maybe(?) and alot of what you said MIRRORS me in so many ways. Last year my streak started November 17th and was broken around May 17. I tried again and relapsed last saturday night. Sunday i had a long car ride alone just sit in my misery. I fought that shame/guilt feeling as much as i could but it stinks. We know it has no value, and yet our imperfection, this strongly entrenched habit is so hard to let go, eventhough we know it’s poison, it’s the worst form of self harm that destroys you. This week i’ve been focusing on different Therapy Techniques. Doc Snipes on youtube has some good valuable information and Dr. Judy as well. The 5,4,3,2,1 method has helped me to reset my brain when triggered.
5 things you can see in your environment.
4 things you can touch
3 things you can smell
2 things you can taste
1 thing you can hear

Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Acceptance/commitment therapy. When i’m at home i try to have an ear piece in my ear.

I realize that i take in so much mental junk food 247, i am constantly overstimulating myself with nonsense. I force myself to shut it off now and focus only on things that make me better. I dont want to lose my family, i’ve already lost alot because of this, so i’m turning to alot of different things to help. I have my scriptures of course and my reminders. But i need these triggers mechanisms to help me BE BETTER. I also need to strengthen my commitment to my wife everyday. Of course, THESE ARE ALL WORDS, i’m good at saying what i need to do, what others need to do, I’M VERY POOR AT APPLYING SUCH COUNSEL. So there’s that. One day at a time i guess. @KevinesKay, as always, i’m right there with you. Keep fighting.

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And I was completely right. On day 56, my toxicity level was at 7. By day 57, it went to 4. Yesterday and today, it’s at 3. Stupid milestone. Can’t wait for day 83… NOT!

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Relapsed. Let my brain toxicity level get to 10. I’m so tired man. I’m been struggling for so many years. Decades. I know when I’m at level 10 when i start using backdoors to get around my phone restrictions. Then i sleep in my#1 trigger spot alone in my basement. Mistake after mistake. Why can’t i forsee the calamity and conceal myself? I saw it comes and i told myself, No! Sleep upstairs. You cannot trust your own thoughts. Sleep with your family! Isolation =fail every time. What’s a shame: i came downstairs to get a great night’s sleep. It’s 314 in the morning and i will probably sleep 2 hours.

Just thing: my god saw the whole thing. As he always has. A lifetime of hypocrisy is what i bring to the table. A lier, an actor always. Trying to hide who i am on the inside. I feel numb.

I need to figure out how to hate what is bad. I’ve prayed about this for years. It’s my thorn in the flesh. Covetousness. Greed. Systematically destroying my dopamine system.

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Pretty sure after 20 years, it’s time to get a dumb phone with no internet. I’m going to have an uncomfortable conversation with my wife, but this needs to happen. All the blocking, not blocking, triggered so i work around, all that doesn’t work, hasn’t never worked. 99% of my relapses over the last 20 years are with some sort of smart phone. I need a grandpa phone.

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