Day seven. Where do I begin? Calling myself a Christian, I looked at other Christians and often wondered how they were able to conquer some of the struggles in their lives. Over the years, I’ve watched many people break free of their addictions. Where’s my victory? Where’s my blessing? Where’s my freedom? I’ve heard many stories of people claiming God to have taken their bondage away giving Him glory. I’ve heard of others simply claiming to break Free through their hard work. I’m happy for them. But I didn’t understand why others were experiencing sobriety and victory, while I keep falling into the same pile of dirt.
And that last attempt via EasyWay, to train my subconscious self to understand that my DOC has zero value, really started to make a difference in my life. I thought I was on my way to victory. But over time, my subconscious flesh won over. And I’ve learned, that no matter what I try, there is no way that I’m going to be able to control my mind and my eyes. They are too far gone. They are too far perverted. And because my eyes are uncontrolled and my mind is free racing, acting out was simply inevitable. I cannot break free until I do the impossible; to completely eradicate all lust and fantasy from my perverted mind and wandering eyes.
In the Bible, Jesus refers to himself as the Good Shepherd. In another passage, He mentions how He is going to separate the sheep from the goats. If anyone has had any experience herding, it’s a known fact that goats are a lot harder to herd. While sheep tend to be more dependent, easy to manipulate and herd. Goats tend to run off more often, independent, and get into lots of mischief. It’s about three times more harder to herd a herd of goats than I herd of sheep. While Jesus calls me to be a sheep,
I admit that I’ve been a curious, independent, stubborn goat.
Thinking that it was enough for me to have a little bit of quiet time for God in the morning (which usually didn’t happen), then think it’s okay for me to run off on my own, and live my day without God’s presence in my life. Saying to God, “Thanks for the help God. I got it from here. I’ll see you at dinner time. Or maybe earlier if I want a snack.”
That’s not the kind of relationship that Jesus wants to have with me.
Jesus also refers to himself as the master. In order to receive Him, I need to consider Him as such. It’s not enough to just consider Him my friend or my helper in time of need. Although, He does help me and He does care for me. But He made me for His purpose. So in order to fulfill that purpose, I need to let go of my own agenda. If Jesus is my master, then I am His servant. And one that is continually at God’s service. I serve Him, not the other way around.
If Jesus refers to Himself as the vine and I’m the branch, when is it ever okay for me to run off in my own direction like a goat pursuing his own life, will, and happiness? Perhaps, the US Declaration of Independence grants me the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but according to step 3, I’ve surrendered that over to God. Or did I?
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
Observing others around me, I thought it would be enough to simply do a few exercises, go to meetings, get a sponsor, go to church, have a prayer time, read the bible. Yet for the most part, my life was not really that different. Other than going to a few meetings, and going to church, and praying a little bit, and trying to avoid porn, I still did pretty much as I pleased throughout most of my day. And yet hoped that the sacrifice would still constitute as obedience to God. But it’s not step 3. Because step three entails that I turn all of my life and all of my will over to God. Turning over just a part of it, is not part of the deal.
In the Bible, I am an example of a double-minded man. In this case, some of me is abiding with God, walking in the spirit. But in other parts of my life, I’m not acknowledging God. I’m not even aware of His presence in my life. I’m certainly not praying to Him at that time. This is called walking in the flesh. I’m walking in my own will, not God’s. That’s not step 3. And because I’ve been behaving double minded. That’s evidence of doubt in my life. And according to the Bible, a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. He should not expect anything from God. No freedom, no victory, no blessing, know nothing. And that has been my experience.
I’ve been praying a lot more. A lot more. In fact, one would say that I’ve not stopped praying. The Bible says to pray without ceasing. I realize that as God’s servant, His doulos or slave, I’m not to give myself permission to walk away from His service. I don’t give myself permission to walk in the flesh. My flesh has demonstrated and proven to me over the past three decades, that it cannot be trusted. So I don’t. And by choosing to abide continually with Jesus, having an attitude of prayer all through the day, walking in the spirit,
Then I won’t gratify the deeds of my flesh.
Namely my perverted eyes and mind.
My toxicity level has been at 3 today. It was at 3 yesterday. And it was at 3 the day before that and at 3 the day before that. And it will probably be at 3 tomorrow. But only if I stop trying to live according to my will, and surrender my life and all that I care about at Jesus’s feet. Let your will be done Lord and not mine. And he cares for me. I am most happiest when I’m doing what he created me for, which is to serve Him. I trust that His care for me is far greater than the care that I could offer myself.
The question no longer becomes did I avoid lust and fantasy today? But rather,
Did I choose to abide in Jesus continually throughout my day?
I talked about step 3 a lot in my life. I’ve read a lot of books about it. I did a lot of exercises on it. But I have to admit that I must have never really done step 3. Because none of the step 3’s that I’ve done in my life ever looked like this.
