Thank you for sharing this @KevinesKay, it is very insightful and, for me, the recovery aspect does translate to my addiction and recovery. I really like the points system you use and will be incorporating that into my sobriety journey.
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So I have to share this. Keeping custody of the eyes has always been a challenge for me. Not uncommon for a PA, that’s for sure.
Although, it was a hot day out, I noticed that today was not one of those days. Had opportunities, didn’t take them. Acknowledged other people’s presence, didn’t stare at them. Got a little taste of what it’s like to be somewhat normal for a change.
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Looking back, it’s been a good month. I mentioned previously about the idea of being in the pink cloud. Well, I’m not feeling super high. And I’m not white knuckling it either. Good place to be for me. In fact, I honestly cannot ask for a better experience.
Keeping custody of my eyes seems to be the biggest challenge so far, but I’m even doing pretty well at that. That’s a miracle for me. I’m the guy that has to check out every woman in the store, or the guy that has a rubber neck as I turn to get a second look at the women on the street while driving.
And the porn? I feel so done with that right now. I still don’t know how long this feeling will last. But I will keep taking each day at a time.
I will remain vigilant in posting on this forum. And I will continue to keep up with my to-do list. And I will continue to reprogram my mind every day as I listen to sermons, documentaries, and videos in the car going to and from work.
Thanks everyone for your support.
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The choices I make today may not impact my life now, but they can have an drastic impact tomorrow or next month or next year.
For me being sober doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m doing the right things. If I stop checking in here, if I stop calling buddies, if I stop working out, if I stop doing recovery, I may be able to maintain sobriety for some time. But eventually, my living patterns will come back to haunt me.
For me, this has to be a consistent practice everyday. I have to keep taking my medicine even after the symptoms go away. And it looks like I’m going to have to take it for a long time.
Some people can coast along in their journeys doing minimal effort. They get sober quickly, and move on. Well, I’m not a coaster.
I’m a poster.
Better that than a relaper.
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I cannot stress how much my mind plays tricks on me. I had the day off, and spent most of it with my wife and family. So I had no time to read or watch videos on my addiction. And even after one day, my addict way of thinking is knocking on the door.
When someone has come out of a cult, that person’s been brainwashed. He/she has to go through a deprogramming stage to undo all the bad tapes in his/her head.
Well, it’s the same for me. I’ve brainwashed myself for much of my life. And I’m not fully deprogrammed.
Because it was more challenging yesterday to keep custody of my eyes and mind. We were in Chicago with lots of people all around. And my addict inside wants me to indulge the thought of viewing everyone around me as a potential sex partner. Seems pretty barbaric as I’m writing this. It just goes to show me that it doesn’t take long for me to lose clarity, to lose sight of reality and get sucked into my old way of thinking that the world is meant to be one big orgy. Pretty disfunctional. I actually did a good job keeping my eyes to myself yesterday, but their was soooo much temptation. I don’t think I would be able to handle this amount everyday. No P, no MB for 38 days so far. Haven’t come close to crossing my inner circle since March 20. I’m confident that this will continue.
So today, I’m back into my routine. Checking out the posts. Reading stories of recovery. Watching documentaries on the sex industry. This may take a long time before I am strong enough to not need this every single day. But it’s working for me at this moment. I know it is.
And this community is currently the only support system standing in my life. My other forums are empty at the moment.
Didn’t get much sleep last night. So I’m feeling a little dizzy. I’ll make sure to go to bed earlier tonight. Thanks everyone. Happy sober Friday. Stay strong!
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04/23/17
Prayer. 7
Bible. 4
Worship. 7
Pray with wife.
Clean. 3
Workout.
Family. 4
Read with girls.
Outreach. 2
Forum. 7
Wife. 1
Work.
Total 35
Well, it’s not been one of my best weeks. Didn’t work out, didn’t read with the girls, didn’t pray with my wife at all. I want to be better with this. I want to demonstrate more love for myself. And I want to be the father and husband that my family needs me to be. Seeing this is a wake up call for me.
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Was watching a video on an anti-porn site tonight. Was getting waaaay too graphic and triggering. After looking away several times, I finally had to cut it off. Don’t see necessity of overly explicit footage. Seemed like the vid I was watching was more about getting the ratings and the viewers than it was about making a point. Just had to get that out there.
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I was wondering about that last time you mentioned anti-porn videos, etc. (Because I used to struggle with sex addiction.) Some anti-things can be exploitive and used to get views. There is a doc I watched recently about the porn industry (I will not mention the name!) and it caused me to want to go and look up the names of the people who starred in it! And I did - but porn is not something I’m struggling with now anyway. But yeah - beware, right.
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Bless it, what a great list! I need to copy it exactly!
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So I want to move on to something. In order to increase the intimacy and love with my wife, I want to do form of love dare.
Some of you may already be familiar with the book. It was promoted in the movie, “Fireproof.”
I’ve done the Love Dare before on my wife, with good results. However, after about day 30, the dares start to get really lame. So I developed a list of daily behaviors that I want to initiate every day for my wife. They’re all little things, but they mean a lot.
For every day for a month, I commit to:
Refrain from saying anything negative to my wife.
Give her a compliment.
Tell her that I love her.
Greet her in a special way.
Do a kind unexpected gesture for her.
Call her from work just to say, “Hi.”
Pray with her.
My goal is to post my progress starting tomorrow. Wish me luck.
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@KevinesKay
That is so awesome. I remember seeing that movie Fireproof years ago…
I wish you much luck! Seriously very cool how you are working on your marriage.
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04/30/17
Prayer. 5
Bible. 4
Worship. 5
Pray with wife. 1
Clean. 4
Workout.
Family. 4
Read with girls.
Outreach. 4
Forum. 7
Wife. 1
Work.
35 points.
I was real concerned throughout the week about my to-do list. I know that I had some pretty bad days. 
I’m glad it’s not worse. Today, I took advantage of the Sunday to get almost everything checked off, including a workout. So I’m off to a really good start.
This checklist happens to be a really good indicator of how I’m progressing in my recovery. I don’t measure my progress based upon my sobriety.That happens to be a really poor measurement of how well I’m actually doing.
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Okay, for yesterday. Here is my love challenge results. Day 1
Did I:
Refrain from saying anything negative to my wife? Yes. Although, the thought came to my mind, I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Give her a compliment? Yes. I mentioned that she looked beautiful on the way to church.
Tell her that I love her? Yes
Greet her in a special way? Yes. I gave her a few extra hugs and kisses.
Do a kind unexpected gesture for her? Yes, I bought a special organic soda for her at the store. When I brought it home, she said that she couldn’t drink it because it had too much sugar. Okay. But later when we went to bed, she asked why I bought it. I said that I was thinking of her. She felt special and said that she could have half a serving and share the rest with me.
Did I call her from work? Although, I did not have work yesterday, I did call her from the store.
Did I pray with her? Yes!
Nice first day.
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Love Challenge day 2. Did I:
Refrain from saying anything negative to my wife? Yes.
Give her a compliment? No
Tell her that I love her? Yes
Greet her in a special way? Yes with extra hugs and kisses.
Do a kind unexpected gesture for her? Yes, I sent her an ecard. Although, she said that she couldn’t view it.
Did I call her from work? Yes
Did I pray with her? Yes!
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What makes me a chronic relapser
For most of my life I’ve played this on again off again pattern with my addiction. Can’t seem to maintain a significant stretch of sobriety. It took awhile for me to understand why.
Trying like mad to start sober using suppression methods is ineffective as a long term strategy.
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Sorry, sent by accident before I finished.
So what I was mentioning before was that I was really trying to treat my symptoms, not actually the real disease.
Disease, sorry, some people have a problem with that word. Lol.
But my acting out stopped being a choice quite some time ago. Because even though I knew I was self harming myself, I couldn’t stop. Why? It was my coping strategy.
My real problem was having no healthy coping mechanisms. No friendships, no developing of hobbies, no relationship with God, no life. How am I going to just abstain from acting out without addressing the real problem.
If I focus only treating my symptoms, the real problem will come out eventually.
So I have to make a choice to take my medicine. To make friends, to draw closer to my wife and my family, to take care of myself, to connect with God. All of these things are more important than my sobriety. For without them, I have no choice but to act out.
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Love Challenge day 3. Did I:
Refrain from saying anything negative to my wife? Yes.
Give her a compliment? Yes
Tell her that I love her? Yes
Greet her in a special way? Yes.
Do a kind unexpected gesture for her? No
Did I call her from work? Yes
Did I pray with her? Yes
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Love Challenge day 4. Did I:
Refrain from saying anything negative to my wife? Yes
Give her a compliment? Yes
Tell her that I love her? Yes
Greet her in a special way? Yes
Do a kind unexpected gesture for her? No
Did I call her from work? No
Did I pray with her? Yes
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What would be considered an unexpected gesture? Or greet in a special way?