2PM I’m a nervous wreck. Even if I’m making constructive progress in my life, I’m still overwhelmed by anxiety.
2AM Much more relaxed, optimistic even. Or sometimes I’m asleep.
The last time I earned my own trust was when I followed thru with wanting to say no to drugs. I could never ever trust myself to say no verbally. Even tho my heart was screaming for me to say no. Once I verbally said no and stuck to it, I gained my trust and I saw the power that I truly did have inside me. Drugs made me soooo weak.
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2pm: I’m usually needing coffee around this time. Sometimes I get abit irritable or anxious. I’m very much a morning person so the afternoon for me feel like it drags on. I often have to use more of my grounding and mindfullness techniques to help me stay present and nor overwhelmed.
2am: I’m out like a light. I sleep quite well for the most part (my meds make me tired also). The odd time tho I get weird dreams or am unsettled. But I usually sleep well. I love my sleep and I honestly feel like I am making up for the times I’d stay awake for 24-48 hours while using.
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My teenage self?
“Do not EVER look to another human being for validation. Even the girls. They are no wiser than you, and when high school is over, you’ll never see them again. Focus on you. And travel while you can.”
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I try to do this… but when others say it to me and act like I should be perfect and not mistakes, I find it hard to keep the fact that it truly is so “human of me”.
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June 28
WNRS SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT:
WHAT DO I WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT IN THIS CHAPTER OF MY LIFE? (TAKE TIME THIS WEEK TO EXPLORE THIS TOPIC.)
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I’ve fallen terribly behind and out of habit with these prompts as well as gratitude journaling. I can see how significant of a positive impact it had on my mental health — as the less I’ve done it the worse I’ve been mentally.
Unfortunately I have a few prompts I did but never posted and I’ve stressed myself out with the thought of trying to get caught up. Going to try for a normal habit of it again starting fresh this next week.
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Sounds good Jess I’ll try and join you as well 
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I was kinda wondering what happened to you and the prompts! Looking forward to it again! 
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July 13
RUPI SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT:
IF THE UNIVERSE COULD ANSWER ANY ONE QUESTION YOU HAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK?
My question is “What’s next?”
And the universe has answered. I have started listening to the Peloton podcast Fitness Flipped while going for walks in the morning and the one I listened to yesterday on the subject of stress touched on this beautifully.
Some of the take away that I noted while listening:
“THE BEAUTY OF UNCERTAINTY IS INFINITE POSSIBILITY”
Surrender to not knowing. Allow yourself to not presume to know what is next. Not knowing what is next, opens you up to the possibility of what IS next. Anything can be next.
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July 15
RUPI SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT:
WRITE ABOUT A TIME YOU FELT EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED, BUT LAUGH ABOUT IT NOW.
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Why is self-esteem so hard for me?
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Oof okay my embarrassing story:
Maybe 4-5 years ago I was riding bikes with a friend out near Park City, UT. I was testing out a new half frame bag and hadn’t properly trimmed the velcro to size for the top tube yet and it was sticking out a little bit. My cycling shorts snagged on the velcro and tore a 3 inch hole along the inside leg seam. My inner thigh bulging out the hole of these very compressive shorts I had to hold my leg at a weird angle trying to keep it from further rubbing on my bare skin with every peddle stroke. This was in the last 10 or so miles as we were getting back onto the busier stretch of the trail heading back to the car. I was so embarrassed and did not want anyone to see me! I hid out behind a gas station and made my friend go in to see if we could purchase a little sewing repair kit to try and poorly fix them. No luck. I was in a terrible mood the rest of the ride. But it’s funny to me now and I am extra precise with installing my bike bags to avoid this.
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July 17
RUPI SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT:
HOW DO YOU MAKE YOURSELF FEEL COZY?
- Scents: candles, incense, time outside
- Fresh washed sheets
- Cooking a big healthy meal
- Working on organizing my space to feel cozy
- Hot coffee or tea
- Meditation & stretching
- Oversized sweaters and flannels
- Reading
- Meandering around our property
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When I was my last year of high school I took a course on law. As part of the course, we took a field trip to the local courthouse, where we sat in on a trial. I don’t remember the exact content of the trial, but there was everything you might expect: a judge, a witness, some lawyers, a court stenographer, etc.
We sat there for probably half an hour listening to the trial. There was a good portion of it where I couldn’t hear what the witnesses were saying, and I was getting frustrated, thinking, what am I supposed to be learning here? So naturally I raised my hand and said,
“Your honour, I can’t hear the witness.”
Dead silence in the courtroom. The judge looked at me, expressionless. After a moment of silence, one of the court officials walked back, down the aisle, and advised me, in an understanding tone (thank goodness!), “You are not supposed to be speaking to the court.”
I melted into my seat, mortified.
Looking back now, I laugh at it; I was innocent, young, really just trying to learn as much as I could on a rare field trip opportunity. I am grateful to the judge and the court officer for their understanding about that 
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July 18
WNRS SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT:
DO I HAVE A CLEAR PICTURE OF WHO I WANT TO BE THIS TIME NEXT YEAR? WHAT’S ONE SMALL STEP I CAN TAKE TOWARDS BECOMING THAT PERSON?
My actual journal entry response to this one got very long and detailed about who I want to be. Overall my small step is setting a short deadline/picking a date to go test for my license. Who I want to be this time next year largely depends on me being independent and able to get around with less restrictions.
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July 19
I drew two cards for today. I was having trouble interpreting the first question and seeing how it would relate to self love, so I drew a second card.
RUPI SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT # 1:
IF I COULD MAKE ONE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD, I WOULD _________.
RUPI SELF-LOVE CARD PROMPT # 2:
HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE YOU ABANDONED YOURSELF? HOW DID YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK?
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This is something i find very challenging. I’m a person that is in constant guilt over the past/current struggles, the lies and deception to my wife/others. Not to mention the body image issues that have plagued me everyday of my life. I still struggle with body checking. It’s crazy i’m a 41 year old black man who 5 to 10 times a day grabs at my stomach/chest to remind myself of how fat i am. I need to see a therapist at somepoint, i have alot of self esteem issues. It’s like a dark cloud over me every single day. I’ve accepted the fact that i’m an actor. I have to put on a good face for my wife/kids so they can have a good life and not put my constant trauma on them. I have a good marriage, my kids are happy, it’s that i’m suffering in silence always. It’s like this unescapeable truth. And yet, i’m still here, still fighting, that’s what i do, i’m a fighter, try to get up, overcome my addiction, the exhausting every present inner struggle. But i wont get up, not for myself or my family. Everyone has a struggle, and inner war, but were still here, still battling, everyday.