Wrote Saturday’s in my journal and didn’t have the energy last night to come on and type it out. Getting caught up now.
This is something I was already contemplating a lot lately. My relationship has started to no longer feel like a good fit and realizing how I want or need to be loved is hard because it is things that have been absent from my relationship.
I don’t want to be left wondering if I am loved. I want to be told straight out - verbally - that I am loved.
I want to be loved in a way that feels intentional, with small regular actions/shows of love.
I want to be loved with curiosity and learning - an interest in who I am, who I am becoming, asking questions, sharing feelings, being vulnerable and having open engaging conversations.
I think in doing these prompts I’m at least a third of the way to loving myself in this way. This is my curiosity and learning about myself. It was a lot harder to love myself when I didn’t know myself, but I am getting there.
I missed this one yesterday due to being at work.
The last time I can recall surprising myself is the the very 1st time I said “No” to using drugs. It was the most hardest thing to do but SOOOO empowering! I used to always, always say yes, even when I didn’t want to. It was like my mouth was preprogrammed to say “okay”. It truly was not done on my own… my HP did it for me… but still I surprised myself!!!
IS THERE ANYTHING I’VE BEEN BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT? WHAT DOES HAVING EMPATHY FOR MYSELF LOOK LIKE IN THIS SITUATION?
Recently I let myself try to become friends with someone against my better judgement. Everything in my gut knew that this person and their experiences were going to be triggers for things that I have been trying to process myself from my past. I had a feeling I was going to end up too emotionally attached to their well being and that they were likely to disappear. They did disappear and it hurt. I keep beating myself up for it, telling myself I saw it coming and that it shouldn’t hurt, that I should have been able to keep myself at a distance.
Empathy for myself in this situation is changing my thoughts to compassionate self talk the way I would talk to a close friend:
You are brave for letting yourself be vulnerable and caring about someone. Even if you saw it coming, it hurts because you really did care about this person. I know this makes it hard for you to want to open up to anyone in the future for fear of being hurt again. Take your time. You have so much love to give and if you keep trying you will find friends that will stick by you, that are worthy of your love, and that you can trust and be completely vulnerable with.
I pleasantly surprised myself recently by calling a dear friend. I’ve never been comfortable talking on the phone, and it takes a lot of effort for me to even make calls for important appointments. I love this person, and I knew deep down that the conversation would be fluid and lovely. So I got over myself and made the call, and it was so wonderful to hear her voice. I need to practice doing this, because it feels silly to be holding onto this uneasiness after so many years.
April 11~
I constantly beat myself up that I’m not a good leader. That I will not succeed. I put on a mask of confidence, but truly I’m scared. I have so much anxiety about the future. So many unforeseen circumstances dictate my success. I don’t have much control.
I recite the Serenity Prayer as a way to grant empathy for myself. I’m too hard on myself, but I’m terrified of the future. Sigh… I provide so much empathy for others, but not enough for myself. I never really had self esteem issues until later in life.
I continue to have this internal struggle between trusting God and being faithful in my relationship with God. I need to just trust God and have faith, but it is so hard.
Just through my interaction with you here, and the interactions I see between you and others, you definitely have the traits of a good leader. You present a moral character, you have a desire to support others, you give credit to those who support you, you’re self-aware, and you influence others to be better humans. I believe those are all qualities of a good leader.
And it’s ok to be scared. You’re working on that just by being here and interacting. The anxiety will hopefully lessen the longer you’re sober. Hang in there.
How do I want to be loved by someone else? I want to feel seen. Especially my feelings and thoughts. I want to feel safe and secure to share all parts of me.
Allowed and encouraged to grow.
Do you love yourself in this way?
I’m working on it daily, and believe I will be for the rest of my life. I’m at peace with that
When was the last time I pleasantly surprised myself? Explain.
My partners mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. In the past I would have been swallowed whole with grief. By his emotions, by mine, with worry for his mom, and by a sadness that doesn’t allow for much else. Like healing or hope or connection. I have stayed present. I’ve allowed myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling in the moment. I have not gone into lock down mode or obsess mode or close the world out mode. I have let my partner feel and process how he needs to. Without being hurt or needing to control it, or feeling like it’s my job as a partner to take away his fear and sadness. Then feeling like Ive failed when I inevitably can’t. I’ve been able to be the support system and present for him emotionally. I’ve been stable. A role that is usually reserved for him- as I was never able to fully be that in the past. I have been taking time and taking care of me. Reaching out for connection and support () when I would have usually sank down within myself. Giving all that I had without filling back up. Then only being half way there.
Is there anything I’ve been beating myself up about?
Making sure I’m always saying and doing the “right” things. Then obsessing that it could be misinterpreted by someone or wasn’t sensitive enough.
What does having empathy for myself look like in these situations?
Knowing that there is no perfect. That I am human. That as long as I am coming from the authentic, open part of me- I should trust my inner self. That it’s ok to be me and that I do know the right things to do and say because they are coming from a place of love.
I need to stop comparing myself to my sister in regards to the relationship she has with our mom, because I don’t have to attend a certain church to be a good and moral person and daughter.
This was easy for me to do bcu I know exactly who I compare myself to.
I need to stop comparing myself to my friend Melissa bcuz even tho in my mind she is doing much better than myself in the areas of:
fitness (she’s a competitive body builder)
her career
hows she looks physically (she is very pretty)
her relationship with her hubby (he is more supportive to her, than I feel my hubby is to me)
her material assests (she owns a home, cats etc)
she actually has alot going on as well in her life and bcuz of what she is facing, I have discoveted that I too have things to offer and skills and abilities that has helped her. We all have our strengths and special things about us that make each of us unique. And I also need to realize that all of the things that I am comparing myself to, are things that I can achieve too! Like fitness and career and even having a stronger relationship with my hubby… I can achieve all of those too! Which is what I am doing now
I need to stop comparing myself - period -
It is something I do all too often that brings me down and doesn’t help me live authentically. Specifically, I need to stop comparing myself to:
my friend Alex - who always posts on social media with positivity, big ideas, passion for bikes, and seems able to just pick up new skills with no effort (like randomly taking up running and on day 1 going out for a 9 mile run maintaining a 7-8 min mile pace). I can let myself be inspired by my friends without feeling the need to keep up with them.
my past self - who commuted by bike 10 miles everyday, looked cute at work everyday, went to the gym 5 days a week to strength train, was running a marathon training plan, meal prepped and tracked macros, & was at my goal weight. I do not live that life anymore and the comparison is holding me back. I need to remember how burned out and depressed that girl was. I need to fully embrace where I am and adapt to my surroundings to find what works for me now.
other people in recovery - because it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough work. We are all on the same journey and I need to remind myself how amazing it is to even start the journey and that there is no final end or destination. I made the decision to better myself and I am committed to life long improvement - that is enough.
I need to stop comparing myself to other colleagues in my field who have more resources and success because all it does is make me feel bad about myself. I feel like a failure and that I’ll never get a good position because of where I work and our performance.
This question really hit me hard. I too have talents and gifts to offer my organization. I may not be at a tier 1 organization, but I’m at least making an impact. I need to let go of my ego and trust God through my faith. I need to enjoy the opportunity I have and to just relax. Things will work out. My wife said, “For a person who talks about faith, you sure do have a hard time trusting God.” She is right.
WHAT WAS THE MOST GENUINE THANK YOU I’VE RECEIVED RECENTLY? WHAT WAS IT FOR?
My mum thanked me for cooking both nights that we were at the cabin this weekend. She always asks me to cook just because she enjoys my food but at the cabin especially she thanked me for it because it was easy clean up and it meant a break for my step dad. He always plays host, cooks all the meals, and doesn’t know how to delegate tasks so won’t accept our offers to help. He tends to exhaust himself but instead with me cooking he was able to just sit, eat, and go to bed.
Late to the party, but I need work in this department too. One of my “flaws” has always been my stubbornness, but that same stubbornness has saved my ass multiple times in my recovery journey so far. It helps me to set boundaries and become an advocate for myself and my own needs.
I provide so much empathy for others, but not enough for myself. I never really had self esteem issues until later in life.
ugh