Let's talk about sober sex


#44

I thought there was a growing movement in the US of sober parties and festivals? Or am I wrong? Maybe a good place to meet someone when you’re not single. Also read about morning raves, dancing-before-go-to-work-parties. They are kinda hot now in Amsterdam. Has anybody tried such parties yet?


#45

I think i’d rather eat a live wasp sandwich.


#46

Well that’s the thing lol I’m not okay with that :joy:.
Idk just had an experience this weekend and i mean it was fun just not how it used to be and maybe that’s bc I was sober and your thinking about other things sober rather than being high and not really caring about anything other than your own selfish ways. I was happy I had the experience and was sober for it. Maybe I’m just being to hard on myself and putting to much pressure on something that usually is very natural.


#47

That sounds awesome and a great idea. I hope it transfers over to America from Europe.


#48

Every time I quit alcohol for a good length of time it always took me awhile to regain my sex drive. In the beginning there is a lot of depression and fatigue… and I don’t want to start something I can’t finish and under perform. Luckily it starts to come back after a month or two. I recommend just giving it some time… sex will start to seem fun again, and it will be way better than the sloppy drunken sex you had before. You both will be on your A+ game.


#49

I’m literally dealing with the same thing. Been looking for this topic on here. This is causing major problems in my relationship. I’m hoping time and clean living will help. But my partner doesn’t understand and has little patience left for all my issues.


#50

It’s difficult and strange. I’ve been married for 30 years and my husband is 12 years older than me. We’ve had sex twice since my sobriety. He has ED which makes spontaneity impossible. He used to be a stallion in the sack and now it’s more like a miniature pony. I love a big bang, so I feel disappointed. Ugh!


#51

I cannot speak with authority on this matter. That has never been an issue of mine. However, there are many people who share this same sentiment in AA. My personal observation has been there is another demon at play: Intimacy issues of some kind. Just because we are sober does not mean all those little monsters that drove us to drink in the first place have disappeared. I’m sure you will work it all out in time. I think it’s a great thing to recognize it in the first place. I’ve found counseling to be particularly helpful to address all those demons that are no longer being fed by wine. Keep on keeping on!


#52

Working a thorough and honest 4th (gotta do that sex inventory…) and 5th step really helps in this department.


#53

Awwe man this was so hard for me. You don’t realize how prominent alcohol is in your life until you stop. I had literally Never had sober sex in my life and it was a huge adjustment to have sex not under the influe nce. It took about six months to adjust, but now we have sex regularly. The transformation process isn’t easy but its well worth it.


#54

Not gonna lie, I’m so much happier post menopause. Not having the desire for it is the most freedom I’ve ever felt in my life. However, I’m single so I don’t have any pressure, phew!


#55

One more thought on the matter. You are in a relationship- correct? So just as those of us who are also in relationships- there are times we just give in. Just stop overthinking and allow your body and mind to relax. I’m not saying anything ridiculous like we always have to say yes. But we don’t always need to say no either! You know what they say? “Practice makes perfect”. My counselor says anything is a problem if it gets in your way. Are you watching porn and avoiding your partner? That seems to be a common thread in AA. We are a work in progress and our spouses who have stuck by our side when things were not always good for them deserve to feel loved. No judgement here. Just a few observations.


#56

As I said dating seems to revolve around alcohol. The two go hand in hand:

I honestly give up, 40 odd days away from 1 year, dating is overrated anyway, awkward and nervy. I’ve got my dog and Netflix


#57

Wow the reaction of that lady! Like you must be a weirdo if you don’t drink.
To avoid those silent and awkward moments in a cafe without alcohol, I think it’s better to do something on a date. Be outside somewhere, on a beach or park. I enrolled for a astronomical course a while ago for instance.


#58

I’m not familiar with the steps, but I’m curious how they can help you on this matter.


#59

Our transformation is, we now act like teenagers again and giggle our way through the whole thing haha


#60

Eh, you’ll come across someone who doesn’t give a damn if you drink or not, and it’ll be a better fit. Until then, Netflix and Dog are great company.

Their loss for putting such heavy emphasis on the drinking. They’re missing out on a solid dude.


#61

Part of the.4th step is a sex inventory. You get to find out your motives and sexual behaviors. You learn a lot about being a better partner.


#62

Some ways to avoid the time wasters in sober online dating:
-list in your profile that you don’t drink, are sober or are in recovery (whatever language you desire)
-swipe left on anyone that lists some kind of alcohol or drugs in their interests/activities
-swipe left on anyone that has more than 1 (or any) pictures of them holding a drink

Happy days! :hearts::hearts::hearts:


#63

I have the same problem in my relationship. It’s frustrating for him and I both😣. Idk what to do. I usually try to avoid sex at all costs these days.