Day 276
I cant believe how much relief and peace i feel right now. Its not an overwhelming sense of relief but its there. Today I did a Letting Go Ceremony of my past. Spoke to my Inner Child. Prayed. Connected to what happened, what my life is today, and what i want for my future.
First started off with prayer. I put on a old song that i related to my past. I looked at what i was going to burn and throw away. I looked at this drawing from at about age 16. I kept 1 photo to remind me of how angry and in how much pain i was back then and then to see how truly far ive come. But i did get rid of the actual drawing. This was 1 year into my addiction to drugs:
I wrote out what i felt. I wanted to share this bcuz after rereading it, it had such an impact on me. This is it:
Idk really what to say. U were so young when things began to take a turn for the worse. There were MANY things u needed. Support, guidance, safety, security, love, stability. U tried to give that to urself from the ways u knew how. I remember feeling like something was missing. I felt lost… and sooo angry. I remember u just wanting to feel ok. To feel okay in ur skin. To feel loved. To not feel pain and hurt. To not be angry. U wanted sooo badly to feel like a normal kid. The things that u turned to ended up being ur main cause of pain. But by the grace of God tho, it wasnt ur demise. So now, almost 23 years later, after so much fighting for a better life, its time to let all that pain go. Let go of that feeling of guilt, that shame, and remorse.
I need to let go of feeling like i didnt protect u. I feel like i wasnt giving u what u needed. I feel like I hurt you, that little innocent girl, more than anyone else did. I used to see u in my mind, constantly crouched in the corner of a dark empty room. I pushed u away, little Dana, bcuz i didnt want u to hurt. I didnt want u to experience what i did, with everthing that I experienced in life, thru drugs, thru men and sex work, thru abuse and violence. I didnt want this all to taint u. I didnt want all this to make u a cold, bitter, calloused woman. But how could I have known that by pushing u away, i was also hurting you. You never got that chance to play. How could I have known how to give u what u needed? Instead we turned to drugs, to working the streets, while seeking protection from men that we ended up protecting ourselves from, all to try and fill that void, that missing piece that we felt long ago. Little Dana, im sooo sorry for what happened to u. Its ok now tho. Things are ok and they WILL be ok from here on out. You dont need to hold onto these things anymore. I feel u telling me that I dont need to feel bad for not knowing how to protect u. We did our best with what we knew. Your past isnt our destiny. Its not a track record of what ur future will look like. Let go of feeling like u didnt do enough. Stop blaming urself. Im putting an end to continuing the hurt by holding onto things that have no relevence to my life today. This is a new moment, a new day, a new life. I love you.
Went out on the balcony and began burning the worst pages of my DV reports and the page about one of my rapes that I journaled. These were the most hurtful for me. Couldnt burn all of it bcuz the smell was pretty bad lol but i burned what i felt i needed to and threw out everything else into the trash. Smudged with sage afterwards to cleanse my spirit.
Angel card afterwards was on Focus. Basically reminding me to stay focused on my present moment and my future. The past is done. Nothing can be changed. The only thing i CAN change is my thinking for today.
Today… i have forgiven myself. I truly do think im almost at full forgiveness. Im not mad at myself at least for allowing things to happen in my past, for the choices I made. Im fucking excited for my future.
I forgive myself.
I no longer hold anger at myself.
I love myself.
Thank you to anyone who read this far lol
Hugs TS fam!
thank you for being you.
