I read your posts and found them honest.
I just have a question/thought “distrust of humanity” . I believe you found true humanity with the AA friend who fed you and wanted to share steps. Also the charity that gave you a full plate of food at times more than enough. Humanity in its purest form.
Stay strong my friend and I pray your heart softens a little bit in your sober journey!
@tailee17 Thank you. I will try to remember the times people have shown me kindness.
6/21/'24
I am now staying at a ‘sober living home’, and I have a part time job at a sound equipment warehouse. It all happened a matter of hours after my last entry.
The environment at the SLH is kinda yikes for my mental health. I’ll be jumping ship soon.
I’ve been meditating and chanting. Still attending AA meetings.
Too far outside my comfort zone right now. Lol. Gotta readjust and find a sense of normalcy again. But hopefully I’m making actual progress.
Good luck out there. Peace.
It just turned 20.00 as I was typing this all.
Congratulations on twenty. Keep going. Peace 
Love the pic and congrats on your 20 days! Sorry the environment is not so great at the SLH - hoping you are able to find a place that better suits your needs 
7.2.24
Hey there. Staying in a nice and surprisingly budget friendly hotel at the moment.
Would’ve updated sooner, but I was mentally blocked. Didn’t know what angle to take. The fog is clearing tho.
To commemorate my new month of non-alcoholism, I’d like to share an idea for a Higher Power… in the form of the Hindu goddess Maa Kali.
The decapitated head of Raktabija represents my Ego. Once I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, and asked my Higher Power for help, Kali revealed herself to be that Power, and swiftly killed the demon of pride and self-centeredness that had once ruled my life.
The Mundamala, or garland of severed heads, represents the character defects she removed from me.
The skirt of severed arms shows all the relapses that would’ve befallen me without her help. Henceforth when I reach for that first drink, she will metaphorically chop off the offending arm, saving me from myself.
Lord Shiva is my new self, resting peacefully in defeat, and trusting in the divine plan.
and you can too
This is a work in progress. I hope to start an AA offshoot cult someday.
Great to hear from you. Congratulations on your 1+ month of sobriety.
Interesting take on your HP. I loved reading your views and interpretations.
7/12/24
Almost succumbed to relapse (more than once) since last posting. Due to random mood crashes, and bad days.
I get harassed on the streets, or treated rudely by other people, and these instances can happen close together and send me down a spiral. Makes me feel like the world hates me, or that nobody cares if I live or die.
Talked to my sponsor about what I was feeling, what was going through my head. He was understanding.
If I’d been met with sternness, or judgement, I think it would’ve been over.
He’s capable of being stern with me, and calling me out on my bullshit. That’s great. Wisdom/discernment is knowing when to be soft, and when to be hard with your student.
As for this thread. Life sent me way out of my comfort zone once I returned to Colorado, and I just wasn’t in the head space to be “online me”. Idk what that means, but we’ll return to the previous format next time.
I will respond to comments when/if they come. Bye for now.
I feel like if you’d paid attention to the thread, you’d see that I am trying to change and improve my lifestyle.
I don’t believe that you’re the least bit sorry for the way I feel or the hardships I face.
You said what you said above maybe for the likes and the chance to feel wiser and more accomplished than I am.
That will be all.
Blocked.
“Sorry you feel that way bruh, but you need to get with program BRuH”
In a thread where I literally record all the steps I’m taking to get my life back on track.
I love this! 41 days! 
Congrats!
41 days now right? Great job!
I feel like I relate to you each time I come across your posts.
I too haven’t been in the headspace for “online me” in a while and am just getting back into swing the of things.
Just here to cheer you on 
The world doesn’t hate you and lots of us do care! Unfortunately there are too many d=bags out there who only give a shit about themselves. Congratulations on 41 days 
@JasonFisher Thanks!
@Scorpn May we achieve the state of flow. Glad to see you.
@Steve14 This helps motivate me, my friend. Hope you’ll stop by again.
14.07.2024
Journal
I returned to Boulder about a week ago. It’s a green summer all right. Guess what? I expected to return to my mausoleum at the cemetery to find it chained shut. I was gone for over 100 days.
But no. It was still unlocked and everything inside was left untouched. The flowers, books, crystals, the clothing.
That’s a miracle. If not the groundskeepers cleaning and locking it, you’d at least expect a vagrant to pass by and trash the place.
By the way, if you ever see me enter a liquor store, don’t assume the worst. It’s conveniently located a few blocks from my stomping grounds, and their soda and energy drinks are reasonably priced.
Subplot
Before I left Springs, my sponsor/boss told me that if I ever came back, my job would be waiting for me.
Here’s some of the radios from the 30s and 40s I got to play with:
They were filled with angry spirits and made scary sounds. “Releeeeease us!”
I like the aesthetic of this cassette deck:
See the subliminal message tape? It was creepy AF. It was ocean waves with some guy in the background chanting in the black speech of Mordor.
Exhibit
Three practices for a more peaceful mind…
Soul gardening: Search inward each day. Identify and investigate any needless negativity or harmful thought processes.
how: meditation, introspection, journaling
Find the good within, and nurture it. Become your own caring friend, and speak words of kindness and encouragement.
Outer relations: Be kind to all creatures in accordance with reason.
ex i. You may need to inflict harm to defend yourself or another, but cruelty is never justified.
ex ii. If someone asks you for something, and you can spare it, then give it to them. But don’t let anyone exploit you.
Travel light: Downsize and simplify your life. Learn to be content with less.
What possessions can you give away or discard? What do you have that you forget to enjoy?
May also apply to responsibilities and relationships.
Sorry maybe not a possession but would Good Will take my husband as a donation. Just kidding. I am with him today and all is well!
Good to hear!
The husband section at Good Will is always a mess anyway.
21/07/2024
My inner critic is relentless. It has nothing but insults and criticisms. Its favorite hobby is arguing against imaginary enemies, sharpening its skills of emotional abuse for the outside world.
There’s only one method of caging the beast. I stop, observe, and realize that it’s the result of different things.
• deeply-entrenched neural pathways
• addiction to anger
• past experiences, upbringing
• genetics
Separation between me and it is established. For a little while, I can take solace in knowing that the real me is… merciful. Capable of compassion.
I have to perform this exercise many times throughout my day. When I’m not careful, I begin identifying with the inner critic. It can take control of my vessel, go out and drink and supercharge itself.
I can’t hope to purify it. I have to stay sober, and stay zen. The person speaking to you now has to captain the ship. Or else it’s all over.
Also, approx 12 days vegetarian.
Thanks. You take care, too.
July 27th 2024
Think I’ll stay in Boulder til the end of August. Let more of the summer pass.
Then I’m headed east again, for a region where I intend to stay. Expect a report by October.
Alcoholics Anonymous was the closest I ever came to finding my tribe. But ultimately, I don’t want my relation with alcoholism defining my sense of belonging, or my spirituality.
Now. I’m off to meditate.
May our Dark Mother watch over you.
keep going and take care out there 