I just have a question/thought “distrust of humanity” . I believe you found true humanity with the AA friend who fed you and wanted to share steps. Also the charity that gave you a full plate of food at times more than enough. Humanity in its purest form.
Stay strong my friend and I pray your heart softens a little bit in your sober journey!
@tailee17 Thank you. I will try to remember the times people have shown me kindness.
6/21/'24
I am now staying at a ‘sober living home’, and I have a part time job at a sound equipment warehouse. It all happened a matter of hours after my last entry.
The environment at the SLH is kinda yikes for my mental health. I’ll be jumping ship soon.
I’ve been meditating and chanting. Still attending AA meetings.
Too far outside my comfort zone right now. Lol. Gotta readjust and find a sense of normalcy again. But hopefully I’m making actual progress.
Love the pic and congrats on your 20 days! Sorry the environment is not so great at the SLH - hoping you are able to find a place that better suits your needs
The decapitated head of Raktabija represents my Ego. Once I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, and asked my Higher Power for help, Kali revealed herself to be that Power, and swiftly killed the demon of pride and self-centeredness that had once ruled my life.
The Mundamala, or garland of severed heads, represents the character defects she removed from me.
The skirt of severed arms shows all the relapses that would’ve befallen me without her help. Henceforth when I reach for that first drink, she will metaphorically chop off the offending arm, saving me from myself.
Lord Shiva is my new self, resting peacefully in defeat, and trusting in the divine plan.
and you can too
This is a work in progress. I hope to start an AA offshoot cult someday.
Almost succumbed to relapse (more than once) since last posting. Due to random mood crashes, and bad days.
I get harassed on the streets, or treated rudely by other people, and these instances can happen close together and send me down a spiral. Makes me feel like the world hates me, or that nobody cares if I live or die.
Talked to my sponsor about what I was feeling, what was going through my head. He was understanding.
If I’d been met with sternness, or judgement, I think it would’ve been over.
He’s capable of being stern with me, and calling me out on my bullshit. That’s great. Wisdom/discernment is knowing when to be soft, and when to be hard with your student.
As for this thread. Life sent me way out of my comfort zone once I returned to Colorado, and I just wasn’t in the head space to be “online me”. Idk what that means, but we’ll return to the previous format next time.
I will respond to comments when/if they come. Bye for now.
The world doesn’t hate you and lots of us do care! Unfortunately there are too many d=bags out there who only give a shit about themselves. Congratulations on 41 days
@Scorpn May we achieve the state of flow. Glad to see you.
@Steve14 This helps motivate me, my friend. Hope you’ll stop by again.
14.07.2024
Journal
I returned to Boulder about a week ago. It’s a green summer all right. Guess what? I expected to return to my mausoleum at the cemetery to find it chained shut. I was gone for over 100 days.
But no. It was still unlocked and everything inside was left untouched. The flowers, books, crystals, the clothing.
That’s a miracle. If not the groundskeepers cleaning and locking it, you’d at least expect a vagrant to pass by and trash the place.
By the way, if you ever see me enter a liquor store, don’t assume the worst. It’s conveniently located a few blocks from my stomping grounds, and their soda and energy drinks are reasonably priced.
Subplot
Before I left Springs, my sponsor/boss told me that if I ever came back, my job would be waiting for me.
Here’s some of the radios from the 30s and 40s I got to play with:
My inner critic is relentless. It has nothing but insults and criticisms. Its favorite hobby is arguing against imaginary enemies, sharpening its skills of emotional abuse for the outside world.
There’s only one method of caging the beast. I stop, observe, and realize that it’s the result of different things.
• deeply-entrenched neural pathways
• addiction to anger
• past experiences, upbringing
• genetics
Separation between me and it is established. For a little while, I can take solace in knowing that the real me is… merciful. Capable of compassion.
I have to perform this exercise many times throughout my day. When I’m not careful, I begin identifying with the inner critic. It can take control of my vessel, go out and drink and supercharge itself.
I can’t hope to purify it. I have to stay sober, and stay zen. The person speaking to you now has to captain the ship. Or else it’s all over.
Think I’ll stay in Boulder til the end of August. Let more of the summer pass.
Then I’m headed east again, for a region where I intend to stay. Expect a report by October.
Alcoholics Anonymous was the closest I ever came to finding my tribe. But ultimately, I don’t want my relation with alcoholism defining my sense of belonging, or my spirituality.