Wow! You are very wise about this topic Matt. I agree with this wholeheartedly. Reading this is like waking from the matrix for a third time but for a different reason every time. I thought I had it all figured out but this just spins it all on its head. I thought I was all enlightened and peaceful and loving but it’s laughable how far my perceptions are…or were I suppose. I think I will have a lot more questions. Do you have any reading suggestions or websites I could cement my learning?
I actually just recently felt I was outgrowing some of my male friends and so decided to draw a line in the sand to protect my boundaries and integrity with as much compassion as I could muster (probably not enough) I definitely would like more friends. This topic of self improvement and the REAL understanding to achieve it is fascinating. Vital now I’ve stopped drinking. Its like the reward that was always there but I was scared to find…
I have come to realise that it can be lonely and frustrating (at first) after making strong realisations like this, when you see society and all its flaws. Like going on living in the matrix but you don’t get to ever unplug and have to share along in the jokes.and the banter and “innocent fun”. I know from my first few awakenings that it is lonely but then I tried to embrace one of my favourite phrases “don’t be afraid of the solitude that comes from raising your standards”. I would love to learn more about this topic
Day 3 for nofap and noporn. When I did it last, I felt weird (bad weird) during and after knowing what I now know… I feel I could really make a decent effort at avoiding it if I made myself accountable through a daily check in/support group but the nofap.com are asking for payment. Could you recommend any good free ones or just on here with you lot?
Really struggling today with nofap. I understand logically everything that’s being said here but it just feels like urges…a bad habit. Same as my attitude towards drink not too long ago I suppose. I’m trying to redirect my energy and reread the reasons why porn is bad but it just keeps coming back. I’m hoping they will lessen with time. I suppose because it doesn’t change my brain chemistry in any obvious way (although I know it does really) I’m reasoning with myself.
I’m going to commit to the process and resist it. 2 weeks til wife gives birth, there is lots to be positive about and focus my attention towards. Also in a few months, we should hopefully be able to resume some level of sexual activity together again. It seems like the worst time to try to give it up! But I suppose the best time to give it up is now…
The HALT acronym applies here, just like it does with other recoveries:
Hungry (you need food)
Angry (you need recognition of needs or boundaries)
Lonely (you need someone to see you, fully, nonjudgmentally)
Tired (you need sleep)
Often in our addictions we’re running away from feelings because we don’t know what to do with them. Feelings are useful evolutionary tools - as you can see above, they signal basic human needs - but they aren’t cognitive; they’re more instinctual, and that is scary at times.
Thanks for the reply Matt. I’m not hungry, tired, angry or lonely that I know of. I’m reaching out to my best friend and wife loads. We talk endlessly about how we feel and being open etc. I just feel horny, I attribute it to the habitual mindset. Could it be as simple as that? Instead of me running?
Maybe. It’s also enabled by our highly sexualized culture, which fosters this fixation (on sex as a focus), as opposed to the thousands of other worthwhile activities humans can do.
There’s nothing wrong with sex per se; it’s just that it’s just one activity of many, and our culture has deified it in a way that, frankly, is unearned. (There are many other heights the human heart and body can roam.) And the problem when it’s solo in our case in recovery, is that it’s something we see as not contributing to our whole self, our growth, our betterment.
I set a boundary for myself that partnered sexual activity was ok. That means I’m not isolating and running, which was the key problem. Partnered sexual activity includes masturbation with your partner. She doesn’t have to do anything. She is accompanying you on a partnered journey of intimacy and exposure. It is a very intimate act, to share self-pleasure with another person. It takes courage (I know for me it was at first a little strange, but I worked through the nerves & it is an act of connection.) How about you speak with your wife about it?
In a way this addresses the core problem of porn and/or solo masturbation in marriage, for me at least. We live(d) in two places: one place which is the “me with my wife” and one place which is “me alone”. You can’t really sustain two healthy sexual intimacies. The vibrancy and depth of intimacy is in diving fully into it with your spouse. That includes a sense of risk and exploration and exposure (based on mutual acceptance and enjoyment of course) that feels risky at times. It feels scary to change our script. But it can have profound positive effects on our intimacy.
THIS! Yes mate. Scary to even consider being thay vulnerable but I can definitely be that vulnerable with her…a lot of truth in there. I need to have the chat with my wife for sure. Thanks again Matt
No problem. Keep an open mind and remember: this is the two of you exploring life, one day at a time. It’s your life and your relationship, and it’s as deep and rich, vulnerable and mutually supportive as you make it. Enjoy the process
@Best_Me Alex, You mentioned earlier, that You’re interested in tools helpful in recovery from addiction.
I think helpful tool in that purpose is to do the inner child work.
Such work enables person to heal his emotional self, which is a major role in resolving addiction problem.
Check out this book, that I recommend on the subject of inner child work:
In this book You have exercises and meditations, which can help to heal Your inner child, resulting in getting back in healthy contact with Your emotional self
I understand how this feels. Even though I know my behavior has been destructive, and I know the harm that it causes, I still find myself compelled to seek after it. That’s how it’s forced me to seek after more answers, and to look deeper inside myself to find out what’s really going on.
Thank you Chris I will definitely add this to my list!! I recently watched Rocketman, the film on Elton John and they touch on this idea of healing the inner child. I think this is correct for most people, and particularly rings true for me. Thank you mate I will get around to this and come back to you. It may be a while as my reading list is horrendously long and time to read seems to be getting shorter! I guess this should take priority though so it does jump the queue!!
You’re welcome brother
I’ll love Your thoughts on the inner child work subjectively experienced by You.
I’m currently reading this book, so I’ll make notes on my experiences regarding working through exercises, etc. and let You know them
I’ll look up for this movie You mentioned, I wanted to watch this movie
I got to 4 days… relapsed yesterday. But I’m not really here to say that. I’m here to say that after this realisation about porn, masterbation and sexual relationships in general…I really find myself observing myself loads. I’m noticing loads of aspects of my nature in day to day life, how it affects me and my wife and other human beings. I’m linking it to things from my childhood, or at least speculating on them. Things I’d never given a second thought to before. Things that I think are so obviously linked to relationships with my mum and dad, and my observations about their treatment of each other. Stuff I kinda knew but didn’t truly link to my mindset or behaviours…
The need to be found desirable by absolutely every single woman, and even homosexual men (I consider myself heterosexual)
Looking at myself in nearly every single reflective surface.
Feeling vulnerable all the time in every social situation even though i often appear confident.
Lusting after/staring at every woman I find remotely good looking and judging the ones I don’t. I hate this so much, the latter most of all. I find it disgusting that I do this but I do.
I realised that I talk the talk intellectually about equality, buddhism, feminism, justice, nonjudgement etc…I agree with it all and even promote it to others when I see it needs addressing but I’m so far off it in my own head, in private. It’s embarrassing but I feel safe to share this here. On the positive note, noticing it constantly in myself in all these new situations is definitely having a positive affect. I cannot wait to read this book recommended by Chris about nurturing and championing you inner child. I’m still on the waiting list for therapy so this group and the activities in that book I hope can have some real life benefits for me to be better for me and my family and a better member of society.
