Loser back to square 1

Relapses
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I stayed 6 weeks sober (other than two pregnancies I’ve not been sober for that long since I was 15) I’m a true functioning alcoholic - a great mum, great career , great house - but using in the form of up to 2 bottles of wine daily.

I feel now I’m so physically dependent that I’m afraid of the danger of detox. Around day 6 I got really sick and was scared.

I pulled through and was happy at my progress - eventually sleeping better etc.

I let that old devil tell me I could limit myself and drink moderately- a glass of red with a meal out and that was me gone again.

I didn’t even have the guts to come back on here - I just got back off the saddle and have been tucking the units away increasing steadily over time - as expected.

I’ve had a heavy night last night - around my menstrul cycle it hits me harder. I feel like crap today (mostly I don’t) but today I feel like shit. I logged on and my timer shows that I’m 7 months sober. I can’t even imagine the magic of what that would feel like.

I don’t even intend to stop I just feel so trapped and disgusting and like I’m killing myself - my anxiety is terrible. I’ve put on so much weight. I truly hate myself.

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Firstly I really wish the title wasn’t titled “loser”
You’ve really got a shift that attitude. I’m not usually so blunt but I feel like I can be because I’ve been where you are and it was the feelings of guilt and hate for myself that kept me stuck. You’ve got to find love and forgiveness for yourself. Obviously remembering some of our mistakes in some ways helps us not repeat them but if we are disgusted and angry with ourself I think it just holds us into wanting to escape and use.
You are not your disease. You may be an alcoholic, But do not let that define you. You are much more than that too. I thought I would never get out of the pattern I was in-also a very highly functioning alcoholic. I relapsed many many times after many attempts and I’m finally on my third long stretch in 10 years. And I’ve never made it 6 weeks so you’ve done that before right? You also made it through pregnancies which tells me if you showed yourself that much love perhaps it would be a little bit easier. Of course the physical dependency and withdrawals are difficult and I don’t have enough advice on that but perhaps you could talk to a doctor or other people on The forum that have advice because I know there are some medications that can be helpful. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you can do this and that thinking about the past is just going to keep you stuck there. It’s totally important to admit that you’re an alcoholic but it’s also really important to know that you can move forward and find who you truly are and want to be. It is possible and I hope that you can let go of the guilt and embarrassment and continue to post on this forum because I think we’ve all been in similar circumstances and all everyone wants to do here is support and care. I tried moderation for so long too and it always brought me back to anxiety and hate for myself. It was one night of almost feeling suicidal for me to discover this forum which also leads me to believe that everything I went through brought me to where i am today and that we are exactly where we need to be right now… I’m glad you’re here :heart:

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Don’t lose hope ! You had the courage to post this. You’ve already tasted the freedom. We are not done until we decide that we are. Im listening alot to AA speakers lately and sime of the ones that are now the most successful in their sobriety failed over and over again. Take a look at what happened and use it for a defense. As for the detox I know how that feels. Ive had to go through it multiple times. And yes it does suck ! Is seeking some type of medical help an option to get through it ? I hear your pain. Sending lots of Hope your way. Keep fighting !!!

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Welcome back T :wave: You’re always welcome here.

Yep. So many of us have been there. That voice in the head seems so loud when we give it the space to speak with us.

That devil wants you alone, because that is where it has most power over you. So it talks to you secretly in your head. It encourages you to isolate yourself, sneak drink in here or there, justify more and more, until - inevitably - you end up sick, hungover, desperate and full of regret.

You need to get that devil out of your head. When you reach out - for example here: Checking in daily to maintain focus #41 or in a group like the ones here Resources for our recovery or here Online meeting resources - and you connect with people, share what you’re hearing from that devil, put it in words, it gives you a feeling of connection and understanding, that helps you kick that devil to the curb.

You need help. We all do. Take it one day at a time and reach out for connection and support every time you hear that voice. There is always someone to talk with.

Are you more afraid of detox, or of the continuing addiction? I bet you’re more afraid of what will happen if alcohol stays in your life. Yes the detox is hard. But the addiction is worse. So strap on your gloves and get ready to kick addiction’s ass.

Come here. Find a group (links above). Go daily. Go as many times as you need to go. Set a healthy expectation for yourself:

I have permission to do anything that’s safe and legal, to stay sober.

You can cancel or change plans, no reason required.
You can eat cake for dinner. (Who cares? It’s better than drinking. Don’t worry about food for now; you can tackle diet after getting your sober, stable legs.)
You can watch Netflix all day.
You can go to an amusement park and ride roller coasters all day. No planning required.
Etc etc.

Choose what’s your priority. Is your priority, your most important priority, being healthy and present, stable? If yes, you know what you need to do. Every other thing - work, life, family, respect - depends on that. So that is your priority.

Keep reaching out and don’t be shy. It’s a process: one day at a time. :innocent:

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I’ve been told in my groups that relapse is part of recovery. When u want to slip remind yourself of all the nights of hell u went through to stay clean and don’t let then be for nothing. Proud of you keep it up!!!

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Welcome back on track :slight_smile:

As said above by Miranda, reconsider your opinion about yourself. We are áll only one drink or shot away from another day 1.
Sometimes you fall, so you get up again. You think about what went wrong, what you can do different next time and you get back on track. That’s what the road to sobriety comes down to.
So after the slip, you did exactly what you needed to do.
You reflected, and you got back.

Good job.

Noty a loser’s job, but a fighter’s job.

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Welcome back to this great community.

When I think of my darkest hours drinking a bottle of wine each and every single day, I can now safely say that nothing was great at all. And when functioning means dead inside and ready to die, full of self disgust and shame, then yes I was functional as well.

Trust in yourself. You can do it, face the world without alcohol. And then, only then I have a real chance to discover that something is great.

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I’m glad you are back~! I just wanted to say I had that same thought when I started here; not quit FOREVER but for now. The longer I went on this journey it became clear to me that I am a much better human without it.
:tipping_hand_woman:

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Hi T! Welcome back. As others already said, never call yourself a loser, because you’re not. You’re human!
And well done that you had the guts to come back! That was a major step, we’re all here to give support without judgement! Keep checking in with us! :muscle:t2:

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@soberbeg how are you doing? Just found this thread and can relate to your story. You did the right thing by reaching out. I hope you are doing well. Hell even if you arent keep coming back and find the support from this sober community