Hi @JackBlind,
Fellow porn addict here. I just wanted to say welcome. And I hope that you do stick around.
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Hey @JackBlind, porn addict recovering here too dude. I’m not too far from your age too, just graduated college a couple months ago, and I share some of your feelings in a way.
In high school, it didn’t seem to interfere that much with my life, but I think that’s because I thought of myself as a pretty solo guy. It took getting through a shitty relationship and the social shock of college to realize there was something in my life causing me to ground out and stagnate. I felt stuck. Outside of the group of those who found real relationships, who could share with one another and be vulnerable without the shame you mention.
Now I’m here. Graduated college. Worked my ass off. Now I’m working a full time, permanent job, which I didn’t think was possible this soon. I’ve gained a bit of clarity in my life that didn’t exist when I was watching porn constantly.
In regard to your question about regret: it’s part of what drives us. I’m someone who very easily regrets, and tends to live in it for far too long, so I know the feeling. Let me tell you man, regret is a wonderful tool, and a terrible habit. If sinking into thoughts of regret is comfortable for you, you need to find a way to shock yourself out of it. I do it by going on hikes. If I’m moving and active, it’s harder for me to beat up on myself. That one physical and definite way I can enact a mental change in myself.
If you let a sense of lost opportunities rule over your mind, you’re only losing more opportunities. You’re only wasting more of these seconds ticking by not just going out there and engaging in your life’s activity, purpose, and relationships.
I can’t slow down. If I slow down to much, and lose my momentum forward, I sink fast. Fighting porn has been one of the best motivating factors I’ve ever had in my life. No bs. No exaggeration.
If you commit to this, and fight this addiction with all you’ve got, all the focus, all the determination, the perseverance, then the rest of your life comes into clearer focus. It’s subtle because it happens slowly, but looking back, I’ve gained so much in these past 320 sober days. Most of all: self-respect, and self-trust: the two most important things in any relationship.
Looking forward to seeing you around. On to the next day.
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Thanks a lot @Hope4freedom , that was something really good to hear. I will work on forgiving myself for losing precious time and treasuring good memories. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep from getting mad at myself after relapsing since… well, this is really important to me. The feeling of it devouring all my mind is really nasty, but I’m feeling a bit better now. Thanks everyone for your support. It means a lot.
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Thanks for sharing @TheJK . Yeah that’s really good stuff to understand.
Momentum is really good to keep up, which I haven’t really been doing a very good job of. One porblem I have is that for some reason I get scared of starting momentum after relapsing until I’ve recovered a little, which is really detrimental to my productivity.
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How have you been doing lately? Just remember, We’re all rooting for you!
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Hi @JackBlind, my name’s Matt & I’m also a recovering porn & masturbation addict. I identified strongly with the feeling of loneliness & friendlessness you described in your original post (I remember consciously sitting alone in my home around the age of 26-27, and I thought to myself, “I have no friends. I have people I hang out with at community events. But I do not have - or at least, don’t feel I have - friendship in the sense of seeking out one another’s company for the pure enjoyment and upliftment of it.”).
It takes time. Porn messes with your mind and in my own case I used it so much for so long that it distorted my desire & arousal templates. I am still resetting those after years of distortion.
But it is possible. I cannot emphasize this enough. The biggest turnaround in recovery, in my own case, was when I sought out sex addiction therapy at a specialized clinic in my city. In the time since I started there I have grown considerably.
Other important tools in no particular order:
- join an in person sex addict recovery group of some type; there are many; @NealRecoveryCA posted links to a few here: Resources for our recovery
- if you are in a relationship, at some point your partner will need to be involved; but before jumping into disclosure speak with your therapist about a disclosure plan (disclosure to partners is traumatizing, and it can be seriously traumatizing)
- in my own case - and this may be less or more of a thing for you; reflect on it - I have found it helpful to focus on friendships & relationships in male-only groups (I have arranged regular camping trips with my brothers and father; I have a weekly brunch with some men I met at my sex addicts recovery group) - I find friendships with men help me to balance out, and sometimes frankly I feel more at ease to discuss or ask anything in those spaces
- do what you need to do to stay sober - I’ve had days I spent the entire day at a mall food court because I knew I was too weak to make it through the day at home alone
- acknowledge your weakness & ask for help in necessary & appropriate ways: it is ok to say “I can’t stay here, I need to go somewhere else, I need to be somewhere else, please”
- recovery takes work: 12-step programs call this “stepwork”, other traditions have a different word for it, but in all cases it is not something that just happens; you will make progress if you put work in, a lot of soul-searching, meeting attendance, asking for & receiving & acting on help; all the work of writing your personal history, narrating your story & accountability - defining who you are, no hiding or running away in fantasy & porn
It’s a long road but it is 1000% worth it. It’s very nice meeting you and I look forward to seeing you more!
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I haven’t relapsed at all yet. But yesterday and today something has acted up and it’s been really unpleasant.
Hello JB. Thank you for your honesty.
I share your addiction. I’ll be turning 50 this Fall and I’ve viewing porn (or whatever I could get my hands on) for about 36 of those years.
I didn’t have the easy access the internet allows until my 20s, but believe me, when it became available, I would lose myself for several hours a day.
It does rewire the brain. I learned to avoid people, to hide my activities, to hide everything from everyone. I didn’t like myself and I carried my anger like a shield. I felt miserable and guilty all the time.
I’ve been in active recovery for about 2 years. It’s difficult work. I’ve relapsed more times than I care to admit to, but I’ve learned to forgive myself and seek help when I need it. I like myself now, imperfections and all.
Talking about your situation to a recovery group, online or in real life, is a great start. There’s much to gain both sharing and listening. Please continue.
Show yourself compassion. The 10 year old you didn’t ask for any of this to happen. It’s a cruel irony, but part of my own addiction has been about recapturing my youth, trying to fill a relationship gap that was never filled. The more you understand about your own motivations, the better off you’ll be.
Best wishes!
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That’s awesome, I’m glad you’re staying on track!
What is that “something”, if you don’t mind me asking?
I’ve found, for me, it’s good to get things out that are bothering me. And this is a great place to get things out too, because there’s so many people here with such variety of experiences and they’re all here to come along side each other and help each other grow.
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Relapsed after 16 days.
I feel absolutely disgusting. I am completely destroyed, I have nothing to do.
You do have something to do, your need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and stay again. You need to analyse what led to your slip and formulate s plan for how your going to approach the same situation next time that it happens without the end result centering around drinking or drugging!
What does your recovery look one, do you work one of the meantrecovery programmes? If not are you now willing to stay doing so and if not then what are you going to change in other to guarantee rest you stay sober. These are questions not necessarily for you to tell me the answers to but for you to ponder over! 
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I didn’t really mean I have nothing to do to try to make things better next time or anything like that, I meant I just have nothing to do in general.
It just feels so frustrating and disgusting for this to be here at all.
Thanks for the encouragement.
No I knew what you meant, I was saying spend a little bit of time now while everything is great in your mind formulating a recovery plan. Write down exactly how your feeling right now the morning after your stumble so that you can read it next time your tempted. I think that everyone here can relate to the tricks or minds play on us once we have stopped feeling rough, we feel a bit better and forget the negatives Friv drinking or using and we start to get the idea of having a drink etc. It will help your, example the next time that you get a craving you can play the tape through, take a look at what you’ve written and remind yourself that that it’s how you will feel the next day. Maybe look up your local twelve step meeting for your drug of choice and go to it, that will give you something to do.
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Hello there jack, thank you for your honest share. I must say your type of addiction is intriguing to me since it is one i can least relate to. When I read your story, behind the anger, I feel that there is something you desire but not sure what. What is it that you would like to do or acheive?
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I’m not sure. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if this problem has a big impact on my brain since it only happens more or less once a week. I think the larger effects I experience might come from self-imposed detatchment since I have a fear of it affecting true and genuine experiences.
If I want to achieve something… I guess I just desire to be a genuine person that feels like myself. To experience things how they’re naturally meant to be experienced. Or to take a piece of my youth with me as I get older. Over time I’ve sort of felt more and more distant from myself, especially after graduating from high school and leaving a lot of classmates, and with my waning interests, and this problem makes me feel really terrible.
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After I relapse, I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if some emotion has been satisfied to come back later, or where I’m supposed to be. I’m already in a confusing place in my life, and I can’t have this messing with me.
I’ve relapsed five times in the last four days.
How much clean time did your have before that first relapse @JackBlind?
How are you doing today?
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I had 15 days as I said earlier.
I’m doing really badly now.
JackBlind I know where you’re comming from. For myself, I struggled with pornography addiction at the age of 14 and throught high school. This addiction isnt easy, but you acknowledging it and its affect on your life is a critical aspect to do.
My adice would be to join our porn/sexual integrity group, and considrring you have a smartphone, try to establish an adult filter to block off any access to porn and the internet and finalize on what you do need on uour device.
Me and an accountability partner use an app called Covenant Eyes, which gives a free 30 day trial and is only $15 a month. It sfeathures allow one to block off websites, but also applications and settings on ones phone. I also use BlockApp and Screen Time to further block any tenptations and force a time use every day on my device, which I find to be the most critical considering that we take our ohones with us everywhere.
Me and including everyone here are here to help.
It takes alot of courage for what you did for being honest and upfront. You can overcome this !
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And how you feel after relapsing, thats common amongst everyone here on our group. I for myself when I did last relapse felt utterly destroyed.
I slept in due to staying up til passed 9am and felt like complete crap the next day. Other times when I would go on a 20-30 day streak at times and If I gave in, after a few minutes or an hour, nothing would happen. No arousal, not drop in anxiety, just me feeling completely stupid for what I did.
Depression, realization of low self esteem and a true look at my self became the norm. I felt ashamed of myself, and in brief momment sit still pops up. Yesterday it did when I helped out a group of peers on my job.
These emotions you feel, they’re normal, and they’re there to guide you, not ruin you. How you feel is a call to action, meaning find what you need to do at any cost to eliminate this addiction at its source while getting all the tools, resouces, information and help that you need because from my own side of the garden, I lack self control. Im weak in that area, and recognizing that ment that I needed to set up restrictions on what caused me to fall down that similar rabbit hole you were previously in, because pornography just a sick trap. It’s ment to be addictive and prey on people like us and those that perform in them.
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