Hi @JackBlind, my name’s Matt & I’m also a recovering porn & masturbation addict. I identified strongly with the feeling of loneliness & friendlessness you described in your original post (I remember consciously sitting alone in my home around the age of 26-27, and I thought to myself, “I have no friends. I have people I hang out with at community events. But I do not have - or at least, don’t feel I have - friendship in the sense of seeking out one another’s company for the pure enjoyment and upliftment of it.”).
It takes time. Porn messes with your mind and in my own case I used it so much for so long that it distorted my desire & arousal templates. I am still resetting those after years of distortion.
But it is possible. I cannot emphasize this enough. The biggest turnaround in recovery, in my own case, was when I sought out sex addiction therapy at a specialized clinic in my city. In the time since I started there I have grown considerably.
Other important tools in no particular order:
- join an in person sex addict recovery group of some type; there are many; @NealRecoveryCA posted links to a few here: Resources for our recovery
- if you are in a relationship, at some point your partner will need to be involved; but before jumping into disclosure speak with your therapist about a disclosure plan (disclosure to partners is traumatizing, and it can be seriously traumatizing)
- in my own case - and this may be less or more of a thing for you; reflect on it - I have found it helpful to focus on friendships & relationships in male-only groups (I have arranged regular camping trips with my brothers and father; I have a weekly brunch with some men I met at my sex addicts recovery group) - I find friendships with men help me to balance out, and sometimes frankly I feel more at ease to discuss or ask anything in those spaces
- do what you need to do to stay sober - I’ve had days I spent the entire day at a mall food court because I knew I was too weak to make it through the day at home alone
- acknowledge your weakness & ask for help in necessary & appropriate ways: it is ok to say “I can’t stay here, I need to go somewhere else, I need to be somewhere else, please”
- recovery takes work: 12-step programs call this “stepwork”, other traditions have a different word for it, but in all cases it is not something that just happens; you will make progress if you put work in, a lot of soul-searching, meeting attendance, asking for & receiving & acting on help; all the work of writing your personal history, narrating your story & accountability - defining who you are, no hiding or running away in fantasy & porn
It’s a long road but it is 1000% worth it. It’s very nice meeting you and I look forward to seeing you more!