Hi. First time poster. I’m nearly two years sober now, after having checked into a month-long rehab, but wanted to reach out just to share as I’m alone and cannot sleep - it’s 2.30am here in Ireland. My wife has recently started going out with friends a lot, coming home drunk and late, then spending the next 2-3 days telling me what a great time they all had. I’m starting to feel resentment about this, which is ripping me up inside. I don’t think I have the right to feel that way, given what she tells me I put her through over the years. But I can’t help it - I feel like there is this major chunk of her life (the fun part by all accounts!) that I can NEVER be part of again; I can’t ever have one of these ‘great nights out’. We only go for dinner about twice a year and she never raves about them being great nights out… so of course I feel shitty about missing out. And I really don’t want to hear about what a great time she had, which makes me sound like an asshole too. It’s very difficult and I don’t expect you to have the answers. I just wanted to write it down, which in itself helps a bit. I’m worried that resentment will eat me up; but not to the point of picking up - I’m not going there again. Nobody said it was going to be easy I guess! I don’t want to discuss this with her as I know she’ll just take the stance that I’m trying to ruin her fun, control her, make her feel bad, etc. Which really is not my intention. They always say communication is the key but you can see why I can’t go there. Her reaction would be extreme and I’d hate her to feel she cannot go out for fear of posing me off - that would be super selfish. Anyhow, I guess I just have to suck it up. One day at a time and be grateful for what I have. Thanks for listening.
Resentments are tough. I’m having a heavy resentment day - different situation, but it’s completely taken over my mind right now and it sucks.
May I ask why you only go out twice a year? Maybe you can focus on creating more fun experiences for you two to share together and then what she does with other people won’t feel as important to you.
Thanks - we rarely go out partly because of money and partly because, frankly, for her it’s really not much craic! We very occasionally go to the cinema, but she’s not as interested in that as me. Occasional comedy gig, those ones are good but have dried up because of COVID. It’s tough because we live in her home country, in her home town and I don’t really have any friends here. I used to work away and drink there, rarely ever at home but since rehab I’ve worked close to home. But it’s REALLY tough to meet people in a small town in Ireland where drink is not a focal point of any activity. I play football with a few guys, but again, the only time that turns into something sociable as opposed to sporting is when they plan a pub trip.
You’re not alone here. My fiance drinks in front of me, granted he NOW (after 4 days starting over now) tries to conceal it in a cup so I cannot see, but I still know what’s in there. This is my second attempt at getting sober after losing 237 days back in 2017. This was all because of a DWI and I had to do it, but this time around, I’m doing it for me. Keep coming back here, that’s what I do when I feel like everyone around me is enjoying themselves getting numb. I’m trying to embrace feeling, without the people who can’t reciprocate with me. I can’t count how many times I’ve felt alone and tossed aside for booze. That’s when you have to dig deep into yourself and remember why you’re here. To rise above and to grow. With or without support from the people who should. I’m sorry we share the same resentment. It’s difficult to not feel this way. When he goes camping and gets completely annihilated and says how amazing of a time it was- it hurts. Never does he ever say how fun of a time he has with me doing sober activities. I don’t know if me sharing my experience helps any, but I’m telling you the resentment you feel is totally natural. Stay strong, for you.
Thanks Kelly - I doubted I was alone with this and just sharing and getting other people’s related experience is a great help.
RESENTMENTS…the number one offender…just getting it out as you did and sharing starts to erode on the resentments. Tough stuff…Kudos to you.
Do you have or go to any AA meetings in your area? Perhaps you can find a sense of community and build some friendships there that can expand into sober social hangs outside of that. I think as addicts we all know the feeling of resenting what we think we “cannot have” or are “missing out on”, but try to be easy on yourself and remember why you’re doing what you’re doing. 
I’m in the same boat as my man can drink controllably. He didnt understand at first, and just asked that I cut back-yeah, that cant happen for me. It’s now been 4 years together and for the first time he asked that I stop completely. Still trying to get there but it’s hard with him drinking a couple every day. Congrats on almost 2 years. That’s awesome! Have you been doing any kind of program? It could help with the resentments you have…
Thanks Knives - I used to go AA for first 14 months or so of recovery but stopped, no particular reason why, then they dried up with COVID. I should really try a couple of Zoom ones, but I’m reticent about the anonymity factor. But thanks for the post; I’m absolutely committed to this and coming up to two years. It’s good to share and get perspective too.
Thanks Laura - yes, I’m close to completing two years of weekly group ‘after care’ provided by the rehab centre. Cost a bomb but worth it, as I’ve changed beyond all recognition and stated doing things I used to like doing again (like skateboarding, even though I’m getting a little old for it). That program really helps, for sure. I was going to discuss this topic at this weeks session, but it was taken up with a relapse so I’ve put it on the back burner, hence why I decided to post on here tonight so just want to get out my head. Thanks again.
You don’t have to turn your camera, or even your mic on in zoom. You can type, or just chat with your voice. A couple of rooms are open where I live that I go to, perhaps just take a look 
congrats on two years!
It really does feel good to share about what’s happening in your life. No matter what the platform is. AA is what helped me tremendously, tho not much going on rn in my hometown. But so happy to hear you’ve been getting the help you need. I know its tough with a partner that still uses your DOC all too well. Maybe look for something else after your program to keep you motivated 
Good advice Laura, thanks. I will need something after the program and now is the time to plan that in as only about 4 weeks of it left… thanks
Why can’t you be part of this? Sounds to me like you’ve managed to live sober in a drinking world, and have some solid sober time. Why is this slice of it off-limits? Has she implied you are not welcome, or is this a conclusion you’ve reached on your own?
While I am not much for staying out late (early riser), the fact that others will be drinking doesn’t stop me from going anywhere with my wife. We meet friends at wineries pretty regularly. Tonight, I went solo to a networking event held at a distillery. I won’t drink, because I don’t drink. That’s my choice and I’m better for it. No resentment for those who choose to drink, moderately or otherwise. They name their dance. They pay their price. Now, as for my wife, if she was regularly going out, staying out late with the girls, I wouldn’t be resentful. I’d be pissed. But that’s me being a traditionalist and no judgment for others who aren’t.
Are the friends your wife goes out with your friends too? Why don’t you go with them? You could still have fun without drinking. Maybe try it and take your own car so you can leave early if you’re not enjoying it.
It’s not that it’s off limits per se, but it is strongly implied that it would be better if I didn’t come (i.e. why would I want to be around drunk people - that sort of thing). It’s like she’s absolutely proud of me to be sober for almost two years, doesn’t think I’ll relapse, but also doesn’t think I’ll enjoy those sort of nights anymore. Guess I have to go out on one or two and see how it goes… I have no desire to drink so I’m not worried about that.
I guess that’s part of the issue - we live in her hometown and I don’t really have many friends likely to where I am. It’s a very old world traditional sort of place where women tend to go out with women men tend to go out with men and talk sports, that sort of thing.
face the dragon. Put on your best smile, get your funniest and most interesting conversations together, and show her that sobriety isn’t all seriousness, that you can laugh, and dance, and enjoy life with even more fullness than those who drink, because your great nights don’t include drunken regrets.
True that - despite occasional FOMO when she’s out, never once have I woken up wishing I’d been out on the piss too 
Resentment is a tough one for me. Both my kids went through recovery a long time ago. I resented my children for what they did to me during their times of using, rehab and recovery. Jesus Christ!! I just reread what I wrote. I sound like a real asshole of a dad. “What they did to me?!” I didn’t know any better. And that’s how it felt. Al Anon helped me out so much. It’s another 12 step program but for the not addicted person. And I also wrote each of my kids a letter telling them how pissed off I was and angry and mad and hurt I was and exactly how I felt about how they hurt me. AND THEN I THREW IT AWAY. and when I hosted an Al anon meeting I picked the topic resentment. Al anon and my kids rehabs and their experiences have help me a lot.
Now I’m in the same boat as you. I been sober all year but January 1 and wifey still drinks. That resentment devil keeps creeping into my thoughts but my sobriety is my decision. Her insobriety is her decision. We drank together about forty years. We are mostly stay at home old farts now but sometimes I resent her a bit. I get over it. And I find my time alone to be quite rewarding. And I feel blessed and grateful the time I get to have with her when she isn’t drinking. It’s been hard. But I just don’t want to drink anymore. And I can’t control anyone. Just love em.
