Hi all…Is anyone able to give their input on why they think some people are mean drunks when others aren’t? I have said and done mean things in the past when drunk and I’m trying to understand why when I genuinely didn’t think those things when sober.
Conclusions I have came to so far for why my behaviour can get like this
Insecurities twisting my mind
Self hatred
Past trauma
Inability to start drinking once started
Alcohol in extreme quantities makes otherwise rational people do crazy out of character things and my brain wasn’t functional at the time or rational because I’d drink enough to get an elephant drunk.
Is there any other reasons anyone with similar experience can provide? Because right now I’m beating the hell out of myself and struggling not to think I’m just totally defective and a real POS which is stopping me from getting past the self hatred part in a big way. Very toxic cycle atm scared I’m going to lose everything over alcohol.
If I were asking myself those questions…this is what I would tell myself:
I am alcoholic, not a piece of shit
I have done things I am ashamed of, if I become sober, I can change the future
If I find a program of recovery, I can fix my character defects…then when I am ready I can make amends
I beat myself up for years. Getting sober and staying sober ensures me a better future.
I don’t mean this in the wrong way - but it sounds like you’re having the same regrets you had almost a year ago:
Ultimately the question of “why are some people mean drunks” is not really the issue. The issue is alcohol numbs your mind and steals your hope and your life - and when you drink, all bets are off. It is literally a deal with the devil. It’s trading your life for… a few hours of numbness and blindness.
You need to make a choice. You can choose to be sober and you’ll never have to feel this way again. If you make that choice you need to put in the effort.
Start by hitting up a meeting. Be honest and be humble. Have an open mind and a learning attitude. Take it one day at a time and put into practice what you learn.
Attend more than one meeting a day if you need to. You have permission to do that. It keeps you safe and sober.
Keep coming here on Talking Sober and share. Don’t crave alone. Addiction builds walls around us. Recovering is about breaking those down. Reach out for help. You will be confused and uncertain. Reach out anyway. If you’re not sure and the booze is calling because it feels familiar and “safe”, reach out instead.
That’s how you do it. That’s how you show respect for others. It starts by showing respect for yourself.
I am a mean drunk too. And a slutty drunk. I always hate myself when I wake up from a blackout. I try really hard to be a good person, and then drunk me is like the devil. Alcohol just messes your brain up. I am,always looking for a scientific answer as well.
I was a sad crying weepy drunk. Apparently after two wine bottles in, I would start crying until I passed out. I don’t remember because i was blacking out. When I asked my baby girl if she’s happy that I got sober early on, she said, “yes Mom because now I don’t have to hear you cry every night.” It’s one of those things that I think about that keeps me sober
Why dwell on the past? Put all that energy into your sobriety and you’ll start to love the new you. Early in my sobriety, I would look at myself in the mirror everyday and say “I love you”. Eventually, I started to believe it.
I am trying my best, on waiting list for a new counsellor, got an alcohol support worker, going to the gym, applying to volunteer in the community, trying to eat healthy and think about benefits of not drinking. It’s just so hard with my anxiety always there bringing me down and the self loathing.
I feel like for me alot of it has to do with self loathing and anxiety disorder the drink temporarily stops that and I feel better but then worse after so viscious cycles. I’m trying to make alot of changes to have positive things to do that aren’t drink related to help with that instead of what I was doing which was burying my head in the sand! totally know what you mean though about trying to be a good person when sober I am also always trying and feel like jeckll and Hyde at times. Hope you are feeling better now
In my experience and observations, alcohol amplifies emotions. It also lowers inhibitions. This combination is the perfect storm for some bad shit.
I feel that the emotions and behavior that alcohol elicits is present in the individual, for some its deeper than others, but its there. In other words, it doesn’t make you do things you don’t “want” to do. Typically, our moral compass keeps us from acting out our deepest, darkest desires; alcohol removes that moral filter.
Again, this is based on my experience and observations.
I agree. I don’t like conflicts, so much so I do my utmost to avoid them. So much so too that I’m in therapy for it working on overcoming this. And other stuff.
When I drank, when I had drank enough, my inhibitions disapaered and I could get into some nasty fights. Never learned how to have a conflict so when I had one drunk I would be angry and mean. Trying to learn now how to have an argument and resolve conflicts in a healthy adult way.
I don’t have the answer I think it’s probably a combination of all the things you’ve mentioned. But alcohol numbs the part of the brain that helps to regulate emotions so if something pisses you off when drunk you have far less ability to try and reign in that feeling. But I don’t like when people say it brings out your ‘true feelings’ or ‘real self’, because I think it’s far more complex than that. I know for a fact I’ve said and done things that were untrue and that I don’t really believe. I think alcohol cash amplify things to an extreme level where it’s completely beyond anything that you really feel or think. We lose the part of ourself that helps us to rationalise things when drunk, but that part is just as much a part of us as the emotional side we are trying to control. I have been a mean drunk at times so I can relate to the shame, guilt and regret. It is the worst feeling when you find out you’ve done or said things that could hurt people and you don’t even have any memory of it, but you’ve been told so many times you know it’s true. The risk of being mean when drunk is the biggest motivator for me to get sober. I just cannot handle the shame and guilt anymore!
I think a lot of it has to do with who they are and what is going on on the inside. We all go through life with a face on for the world…alcohol reduces our ability to mask things that are inside of us.
This is common. You are not alone Winter. In the end it doesn’t really matter what type of drunk we are. I am a fun loving happy drunk but yet I still cannot drink. That should tell you something right there. Keep pushing
Reading your story was just like looking in a mirror
I too am an angry and violent drunk amd over the past 2 years have been forgiven far too many times by my partner who I treat like shit and say horrible things to when I’m drunk
I suffer with anxiety and tend to bottle things up then when I can’t stop the overthinking turn to wine and the all of a sudden I’m screaming and shouting at my partner and packing my bags the next morning cos I wake up still wasted amd embarrassed and don’t know how to get out of the situation
Luckily, and I mean I am seriously lucky, he knows that when I’m sober I’m the total opposite and although I’m still on a long road to self love, acceptance and processing my thoughts- i know as soon as I pour a drink its a slippery slope back to being that person I don’t know
I’m on day 4 and still harbouring guilt over my last blowout- ending in a screaming match which all our kids heard- but I’m trying to forgive myself and keep busy
All the best and hold your head up high
I’m sorry you are going through that. I’m not violent but I say really mean things at times or drag up issues from the past. I hate that part of myself. Other times when drinking I’m totally fine. I’m beginning to think it’s more and more down to my self loathing self esteem issues and anxiety making my brain all twisted which alcohol twists even more. Day 3 today of the gym straight and day 5 no alcohol. I’m just worried I’m going to lose my partner over all this cause he’s had enough of me and were engaged
Had such a tough 2 years obvs lockdown like everyone else had to deal with but basically having a nervous breakdown over my job being so stressful and toxic, Granda died, ex partner died in a motorbike accident, gained so much weight from all the drinking and stress.
But I’ve started to realise living in the past is not doing anyone any favours in my life and the only one who can boost my self esteem is me.
Hope your doing ok today paws, sounds like we have similar things going on right now.
This is interesting to me. Like if someone keeps having binging sessions with the dopamine levels already depleted could explain some of the extremely depressive feelings and volatile moods
Yea kind of. Basically I just meant that I don’t get sad or angry or mean. I get friendly and outgoing and “fun”. But, it’s not fun. It’s stupid and a waste of time. The next day I’m left in shambles so I just can’t/won’t do it anymore
I will say I was the fun drinker in the beginning of the night and then towards the end something triggered me and everything I would hold in would come out, but never remembered saying anything until I went back and reread messages…
scared I’m going to lose everything over alcohol.
