I’ve been going to a lot of meetings lately. And I’ve been really enjoying them. I’m meeting a lot of people and feeling genuine love and support I’ve been needing.
The only problem is as inevitably always happens with men and women… lately a lot of the guys have been hitting on. Most of it is just friendly flirting but tonight it really bothered me… I made cookies for the meeting and this guy came up to me trying to talk to me asking me about myself and then asks if I have children, “no”, oh why not? Like wtf um I don’t know and then he ask about my DOC and I said alcohol and he was trying to romanticize it like I can’t imagine that and you were probably a fun party girl blah, blah, blah. And it really pissed me off like motherfucker I was trying to kill my self and was hiding and drinking alcohol every morning and starving myself. I was typically a lot of fun for everyone else and that’s the problem. People love drunk wild me. Because I’m good time. But inside I was not having a good time. It’s like people loved to see me destroy myself. It’s so sick. So many enablers to just get to witness “the good time I was”.
Makes me question myself sometimes lately like fuck well I can’t identify with that anymore so what am I? Am I as fun as I used to be? Apparently not…
I am not as entertaining anymore but I’m more at peace. And honestly that shitshow was headed straight to the morgue so I had to cancel that tour.
I thought about not going to certain meetings but I don’t want to have to not do something I enjoy because of a couple bad seeds. I guess I can just leave right away, but I enjoy the fellowship afterwards. I want to be kind and respectful towards everyone wanting to talk but I wish I could just ignore certain people.
This disturbs me too. See, where I come from, the sexual addiction community, the boundary is made very clear. SAA, SA, SCA, and SLAA are not places to pick up sex partners, nor are they dating services. Did it happen, occasionally, but it was clear that our focus should be on our recoveries. The fact is that many members are going through the healing process of past trauma. And if I sabotage that process by hooking up any of them, I’m likely to cause more harm than good.
Best for me to keep a good boundaries with the opposite sex when I’m at a meeting and on the forums.
@Fj007, you were justified in being turned off by this man’s conversation. Romanticizing our past addictive lives? That would not fly well in my meetings. Sometimes, we tend to put our foot in our mouths when we talk.
By the way, cookies are my favorite. The fact that you made them for the meeting shows that you can still be fun.
Total dick move on that guy’s part.
“I bet you were great when you were in the depths of your addiction” is such a misguided, idiotic, reprehensible thing to say and coming from another addict in recovery too!
The mind absolutely boggles.
I’m sorry you’ve have to hear that. I would try and take it as a sign of how screwed up that guy’s perception of what alcohol is rather than any sort of reflection on me. He is still seeing getting wasted = good and fun so it’s his problem to work through.
I go to both womens and mixed groups. First i had an issue with mixed. The flirting and obvious approaching attempts. It really made me nervous cause i wanted to focus on my sobriety.
But ive a thicker skin now. And when most of the people, both men and women get to know me, they know im serious about aa and,stepwork. And sometimes even feel that little flirt doesnt hurt, but it needs that you are comfortable with it. For the op i suggest to use words back off, please (or someting nicer)
Morning… please don’t stop a meeting you enjoy over some idiot bloke … he sounds as if he’s still very sick … your doing so well and I can tell in your words how much your meetings mean to u … have u got a friend in the fellowship u can talk to ? Just so they r aware if thing guy tries to approach u again they could maybe step in and save u from the conversation x
It’s a bit off Everyone should know that the rooms are not for hooking up.
The one thing that shines through in your words is your growth.
It might be hard but just keep doing what you’re. Never mind the idiots. As someone says, is there somebody you feel you can buddy up with at a meeting. To help deflect them? 
I have been so fortunate not to see any of that in my meetings. If anything men stick together and women stick together (and then there is me sitting alone to nervous to talk with ANYONE). But maybe in our area it’s been made clear that fraternizing is extremely discouraged.
What that guy said to you about being fun while drinking was insanely inappropriate at a meeting. I might ask about what to do about that with one of the regulars.
That sucks. What do you think would happen if you told him exactly what you just wrote? Don’t let that guy make you feel like that. Tell him what you think. He won’t do it again. And if he does, speak up with other people. You don’t have to put up with that shit.
Some peoples kids.
Alcohol is but a symptom of our disease. I’ve never seen a dude who is legit working a solid program make any moves like that, just the half assers, relapsers and fresh off the street guys.
Best way to deal with that behavior is to be blunt as fuck. It’s none of their god damned business and if they want to reminisce about drunken days theres a bar stool waiting for them somewhere.
I’d talk to one of the elder home group members and tell em you’re uncomfortable and being potentially harassed.
I find out a little upsetting for someone to have treated you in that manner and make you wonder if you should even attend that particular meeting again which in itself can have posed a risk to your sobriety, a great deal of people would possibly have suffered a relapse had they been in your shoes which is very unfortunate and I praise you for working through it, we can have a hard enough time just dealing with ourselves and I agree with what others have said regarding the progress of the guy who spoke to you.
I’m not particularly good at conversing with new people nor taking in front of a group so I don’t attend meetings much I have been to them in the past and I’m always conscious that when I’m talking to women when In situations like meetings and also in general life that what I’m saying can’t be construed to be in that manner. One thing that has stuck with me from meetings in the past and actually caused a relapse once was that first I should have a relationship with myself without getting in to one with a partner that could cause me to ultimately not stay clean so for that reason alone I wouldn’t try something like that at a meeting let alone risk compromising somebody else’s health. Good luck with everything
Sorry to hear about your experience. I look on alcohol addiction as a terminal illness and there’s nothing romantic about that. Would you ‘hit on’ someone who is potentially on their deathbed? Perspective is important but please don’t let the minority damage your focus and continue your good progress. Wishing you lots of positive vibes.
I have the same problem. I have never felt comfortable going to meetings it took enough to get me to go just because of the sheer fact that heading into a room with people like you was overwhelming. Add on the aspect of horny men hitting on you and it’s a deal breaker. I finally let my guard down and attended an AA meeting about 2 and a half months in. It was fine but I was with my boyfriend. The next one I went to I was alone and low and behold a man sat next to me around my age kept complimenting me and asking me questions. I felt so uncomfortable I left sobbing and called my therapist. She said that these people were called the 13th stepper-they look for fresh meat and prey on them. I resorted to women meetings only after this. My outlook on the entire program changed after that altercation with that man. I’m sure this doesn’t happen at every meeting but boy did it fuck me up mentally for a minute. Try a women’s meeting-you’ll feel very much more open and safe.
Yeah I have problems with women preying on me and trying to get money, rides, and they’re addiction to love fulfilled from me. I wish I was joking but I’m not. I just learned a very hard lesson that took years for me to learn. Thanks Christine.
Thank you for your words of support everyone. I’m going to try and speak about it at my home group tonight to get it off my chest.
Go. Girl. Sending you some strength.
Hahaha yes I know the infamous Lorraina Bobbit. 
men like this definitely make a bad name for all the other well intentioned ones. It’s so unfortunate.
Boy needs to find his higher power.
This happens all to often. There are usually about 50-60 people in my home NA and it never fails that the same group of guys act like sharks, smell fresh blood and go for the kill. As a group we openly discuss that meetings are not an extension of Tinder, POF, etc. The women in the group seem to gravitate towards the newcomer and are not afraid to put the pricks in their place. A meeting should be the last place on earth you feel uncomfortable. I suggest you consider talking to the meeting secretary about this. As they are responsible for the procedural portion of the meeting, they have the backing of the members. Talk to them about how you are feeling and you can rest assured that they will bring up to those who do not appreciate shenanigans in the room and will collectively help put a stop to it.
My initial reaction was similar to what everyone here is saying. But, no-one is going to a meeting because they’re perfect people in every aspect of their lives.
It may help all involved to have a little compassion for this guy, this sounds like an area he has a particular issue with and perhaps he isn’t even aware of it.
Certainly someone needs to make him aware that his behavior is not okay, you may end up helping him as much as yourself. I’m not saying it has to, or even should be you to say anything to him, but I do think someone needs to.
I only know because my Soldiers used it. Having been married since 2000, I never used those dating apps.
Plenty of Fish. It seems that is all my Soldiers did in their spare time