This concept is so difficult.
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Solutions will emerge… They always do!
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Welcome Louis - I hear you, that is a hard place to be. My father’s family has some pretty complex mental illness stuff happening too; it breaks your heart.
I would say your first step is to keep reaching out for help, and keep sober. Nothing will be better by drinking or using; staying sober will help you face life clearly.
There are many recovery resources that can help you do that:
Resources for our recovery
For the mental health, I would suggest seeking medical / psychiatric support. Can you get to a psychiatrist? Maybe see a medical doctor and ask for a referral?
Wishing you peace friend. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. Take it one day at a time.
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One of those days when the best I can do is just go to bed and hope tomorrow is better. Love you guys 
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We are so much more powerful than we know
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She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analise whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one Guru ~ you.
―Rev. Safire Rose
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