Moderation Attempts Failed Me Too Many Times

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Hello! First: thank you to this community, and all of you who post stories and updates on here. I’m a newbie, and already impressed with you folks, and wish you all a great day, whereever you are in life.

I’ll try and keep my story reasoning for joining here short (ish!). I’ve been a heavy drinker for 22 years. I grew up in a small down where getting drunk on weekends and holidays was the high school senior norm, and I continued that on drinking most nights in university and all through sports and social life in my 20s and early-mid 30s. I’m lucky that drinking didn’t impact my education or career, but it has negatively impacted my relationships with my wife and was a big factor in a previous LTR breakup. It’s also been an extremely expensive habit. I recognize I’ve caused legitimate trust issues.

Alcohol is so pervasive in my culture, corporate and social circles (I live in a major Canadian city), I thought it would be in my best interest in recent years for me to heavily cut back, but remain a social occasional drinker. I tried many different forms of moderation (I.e. only on weekends, only at ‘major events’, time of day cutoff, only after I’ve done XYZ productive tasks in a day, etc). All of those attempts and ‘strategies’ have failed me multiple times. I finally got this app around 4 weeks ago, and I’ve had to reset my counter twice. Resetting the counter really makes me think hard about what caused me to drink, and what my willpower situation was. It’s not a good feeling, and requires me to address harsh truths.
Reset #1 about 10 days ago, my father in law had a beer in his hand to offer me, and at first I politely declined, and hesitated for 10 seconds before giving in to temptation. I really regretted it as soon as I finished it.
Reset #2 yesterday, after best intentions of restocking my fridge with a wide variety of non-alcoholic beverages for a get together at my house with some new friends, immediately after serving my guests a round of beers (they are craft beer enthusiasts/experts as I have been), I immediately cracked one and was on my second mouthful before I even had a conscious thought about it. That’s weak for me, and not compatible with my self-respect.
In summary: I resent how I let alcohol become such a fast and free (nearly automatic) part of my life. I had my last terrible sleep caused by alcohol last night.

No more. I’m putting my foot down, and altering my future timeline for the best. I have a bunch of replacement good habits I’m going to refresh and boost my focus on, and I’m going to check in here with you for motivation.

Thank you for reading, and my best wishes on your life journey.

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Welcome aboard, and I can definitely relate to most of what you have said, including the moderation stuff. I tried that a few times, just became a downward trajectory. TS has helped me tremendously, I hope you find this place helpful as well. I like he checking in daily thread, and the gratitude also. Wishing you well!

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Welcome and thanks for sharing. I have tried all of the reasoning and bargaining around moderation too. It took me a while to accept that it wouldn’t work and being sober is the only way. Keep on sharing :blush:

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You are making a great decision!

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Well done on putting that foot down and setting a healthy plan in motion.

No regrets or resentments now (those feelings keep us in the clutches of our addiction) - move forward with a positive attitude and a good support system.

This is a wonderful community to be a part of – super supportive and lovely safe space. Looking forward to your check in’s

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Welcome! And I want to say I am proud of you for making the decision to stop drinking and focusing on good habit forming! This is a great place to be, someone is online at all times of the day. And we are here cheering for you :tada::people_hugging::heart:

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Welcome😊. For those of us to whom it does not come naturally, moderation is more effort than it is worth. That “sweet spot” of drunkenness always one more drink ahead, or one drink past and we took it too far. Just not drinking is so much easier!

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Welcome! Yes, healthy habits and new routines need some time to stick. Sounds like you are on a good way. It’s easier to completely say no, we and the people around us get used to it. Bonus: No more hangovers, clear memories, making a monkey of oneself is perfectly possible in sobriety too :grin:, the good days are better, the bad days are easier bearable …
Keep us posted :sunflower:

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Wow, everyone else put it so much better than me. This place is so inspiring!

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How are you doing today? Hope your sobriety journey is going well.

If you get a chance - check out the Checking in daily to maintain focus #58 – daily check ins with this community have really helped me stay grounded.

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Back to day 1.
I had buddies invite me out to a concert last night, and made the wrong menu decisions.
My progress is slow and steady. I’m moving in the right direction, but I’m not there yet.
Now I’ve got to clean the house, be a present parent, and get ready for dinner guests this afternoon after a crappy short sleep.

Reminders the hard way.

Have a good day, and thanks for reading.

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Hate to say it but in early sobriety you’re best off not going too concerts, parties, having old buddies over, ect. You have way too many triggers around you. Im a recovering opiate addict, i will always be an addict no matter how much clean time i have. There is no such thing as weekend using, once in a while, just one with me. I take one pill and ill probably be off to the races again. You should notify friends and family that you are quitting alcohol and to respect that. True friends wont be saying " 1 wont hurt" or all the stupid peer pressure one liners. The only thing that eventually got me clean was hitting up meetings and being around fellow addicts in recovery. I used to be the guy who thought NA was a cult and addicts who were way worse than me. I didnt need that, thats for weak losers. Then eventually when i went most the stories i heard was my story, my roots of addiction. Alcohol really isnt your problem, just like opiates werent really my problem. The problem is the root of my addiction, my inner obsessions, my resentments & pain burried way down deep and working on realeasing them. Good luck

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Thanks @lorelai and @Mike_Gee for the solid advice. I’ve been honest with friends and family about not drinking, but I think I need to be a bit more direct and up front early at social occasions and make it clear that there’s no grey area when I decline the first drink round.

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I remember when I first started to question if I could quit on my own or not, I wanted to try moderation or tapering down on my drinks. I attempted to drink less during the day, refusing to drink before I went to sleep… it’s tough and did not work out as I’ve planned. Became really agitated and the need to drink intensified big time. It’s either you quit or you don’t. Social drinking once you become sober should be out of the question too. Stay as far away that you can…

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Are you trying to do your sobriety on your own, the way you did your moderation? Check out these suggestions so that you don’t do this alone.

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Other folks have offered great advice and it sounds like you are ready to be free of alcohol for good, but old habits, patterns, and mindsets are getting in the way. That was true for me as well. It wasn’t until I read (and reread) the book This Naked Mind, which someone had recommended, that I was able to see alcohol for what it really was.

If you click through the link above, it should take you to a website that explains the book and offers a free 30 day “alcohol experiment.” It’s good to see you here! Keep posting and interacting with us! :rainbow:

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Thank you @OolongJones , @KANJ98 , @SinceIAwoke , and @Looking4Support !

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Hello! This post will be a current inventory, reflection, and expression of gratitude on the people and things in my life that are supportive on my sober journey, and some challenges/obstacles I have to keep strategies for. It will be a long post. Trigger warning on brief backstory sentences on past alcohol consumption.

I’ll start with the good, in no particular order.

-My very close friend G. He is probably the guy friend I hang out with the most the past three years. While he is still a social occasional drinker, he also mixes in full dry months a couple of times a year, and like some other of my friends, has a good array of non-alcoholic options and activities at his house if we end up there. We are both coffee enjoyers, and I offer him a tea or coffee when he’s over.

-My friend K. K is a guy friend I hang out with about once a month. He quit alcohol cold turkey back in March. He had a “diaper party” back at his house with a group of us guys who were all expecting fathers as a ‘last hurrah’. I had enough and ubered home by midnight, but the rest of them ended up on an all night pub and house party crawl. He had a 3 day hangover - including sleeping the full day after - and that was his last straw. Not a drop since then. We just had him over for Thanksgiving, and he carried his own ice water bottle. He also, like me, keeps his fridge stocked with good quality non-alcoholic non-pop options. Because we’ve had so many overlapping stages of life, he is great for my support system.

-Every person in my life who was an alcoholic or heavy drinker in the past has either quit (My Dad, who I am very close with, is in this boat), or I don’t see them anymore (those were only the sports buddies). My life evolved this way the past 3 years without me putting any effort into that. I’m extremely grateful for that; it is a nice feature of my life.

-Let’s talk about organized sports. From 2002-2022, I played in somewhere around 45 total summer and winter sports leagues. Pretty much all of them involved having drinks afterwards, going home to a crappy sleep, and waking up the next morning exhausted. I can’t think of any exceptions to that. Having a baby this past spring cut organized sports out of my life this year, which has been a real eye-opener.
I won’t spend any more hours with people I wouldn’t hang out with outside of those sports drinking activities.
Next time I join a league, it will not be anything resembling a “beer” league. There are many good options in my city for people who enjoy the sport itself and camaraderie, and don’t need alcohol included, which is what I will stick with.

On the other side - Situations I have to maintain my strategies for
-Music festivals and concerts. Relatively self-explanatory. There is a music festival in my city that I go to every summer with a core group of friends. The festival is behind the times with beverage options, and non-alcoholic options are limited to coffee/fountain pop/water/overly sugared expensive lemonade with a big lineup. The key here is to just stick with water, and throw some electrolytes in the bottle if I need something to keep energy up. Coffee between shows. Nice. That strategy has worked very well in the past for me in long festivals where I had to work the next day and couldn’t be exhausted.
-Wineries. Breweries and winery tours/dinners are a thing that happens a few times a year with my close friends. I’m grateful every single brewery I’ve been to has good quality non alcoholic options. So far I’ve only been to one winery dinner where I had to stick to coffee and fountain ginger ale - most of them are much better for non-drinkers these days. I’m comfortable at this point with my strategy.
-I also always keep good quality nonalcoholic champagne in my fridge,in case there is a toast, or we are at my house on New Years. I have done this since about 2013, as I don’t think it is right to assume guests need to lower their standards if they are avoiding alcohol.
For the people on here that insist on avoiding events with alcohol early in sobriety: I respect your decision, and I hope that works for you, but it is not for me, and not compatible with my social life.

If you’ve read this far, thank you, and I hope you enjoy your day. Either way, I think it is healthy for me to put my thoughts in writing out in the world somewhere, and read them myself afterward.

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November 2-6 2023

This will be the biggest test so far of my commitment to sobriety and avoiding the cheap fast fun of abusing alcohol.

My wife is going away on a work trip with colleagues for 5 days, and I have to stick around home for work. I’ve got a daunting, mile-long to-do list of household tasks and projects (as so many of us do!).

I’m going to stay sober and present, having a productive but restful and restorative few days.

When I need a break from the to-do list, rather than head to the vices, I promise to myself to do one of the following instead:

-get back into the home gym, even if I’ve already been there
-get back into menu planning and food prep, even if I think it’s done already
-get on the yoga mat with no excuses. Repeat: no excuses.
-do a meditation, even if I’ve done one recently
-pick up a book and read a full chapter

This will all pay off when I pick my wife up at the airport, and no doubt when I’m still paying interest on consumer debt in spring/summer 2024 — at least it won’t be from stocking up on cheap fun in November 2023.

Peace and well-being to anyone reading this. :muscle:t2::+1:t2:

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A few quick notes on my thread!:
I’m about to hit day 32 on my current streak. This is now my longest streak since I started a 22-year period of heavy alcohol use at age 17 in high school.

I am turning 40 this week! It will be my first sober birthday as an adult. Honestly, the best things I could ask for for my birthday with my little family would be a decent sleep and a bit of a productivity break.

I am taking some time away from my office, and going travelling for 6 weeks with my wife and daughter! I will be using my phone sparingly, so likely won’t be checking in here until the week of Christmas.

Take care of yourself. Best wishes to you on your journey.
See you on here soon
-PT

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