Thank you for your kind and insightful words, @SassyRocks
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It sounds like a slip for you and not a full blown relapse. You got this man. Stay grateful and positive
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Day 95.
For the first time in years as of yesterday, i’ve gotten to a great place at my office work where I’m able to keep up, and i don’t have any major looming deadlines stressing me out.
I now don’t have any excuses to keep putting off my housework projects, neglecting my weight training, and avoiding a distance ed course I’ve been postponing since October.
I’m getting a hard reminder this week of how dependent I’ve been on external sources of dopamine and stimulation to ‘medicate’ and get through my days for pretty much my entire adult life. You know them. Internet addiction, after-work drinks, lounging around, etc.
It’s just me versus life now. Fighting through the distraction temptations every waking minute of the day.
Bring it on.
I’ve got this.
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Back to zero.
I’m ashamed and angry at myself.
I had a friend over to watch the hockey game, he showed up with beer, and I had one pouring for myself even knowing it was a terrible idea. Then one after another. I ate like crap, skipped the gym, and didn’t get a bunch of stuff I wanted done last night.
Today I am about to get out of bed on 3 hours of crappy sleep, and have to pack my family for a huge long Europe trip (leaving this afternoon). It’s my biggest day of the year so far, and I blew it. I f*cked up.
I put alcohol above my daughter, my wife, my health, my house, and everything else that matters most to me.
I need to re-read this post next time I’m thinking I’ve ‘beat’ alcohol, because I haven’t right now.
I’m ready to admit I can’t do it alone anymore, and I will be seeking external help.
Thank you for reading.
All the best on your journey.
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Sorry about the relapse. That’s rough. You’re right, you can’t do it alone. I relapsed countless times before I finally realized the one tool I was missing in my sober toolbox was community. This community has made all the difference for me. I check in every day on the check in thread to help me set my intention. I get inspiration to keep going from reading here. Sometimes I vent. Sometimes I offer some encouragement or thoughts. It’s all good. Whether you find your community here or in real life, use it!
Hugs and strength and love to you! 
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Recovery can be very challenging.
I have learned that nothing changes if nothing changes.
Reading from the inception of this thread seems to support that.
For me, it was a program (AA) in my case that provided me the tools for change.
I would suggest getting a program and working it.
For me, keep it simple. “Don’t drink and go to meetings.”
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I spent years trying to figure out how I could drink without it turning into a shitshow. Thinking those times where I drank and didn’t blackout or break something or myself or do xyz somehow meant I was okay to drink. Made up all sorts of rules…only weekends, water in between, only white wine, and on and on and on (aka bargaining). I kept thinking drinking was offering something positive to my life somehow or that I was a social drinker or didn’t have a serious problem (aka denial and delusion). Alcohol was sucking my life and soul and ruining me and all around me. Why was I grasping so hard to hold onto it?
In letting go of it, I got my life back, and you can to. Romantizing alcohol or thinking you can crack the code is just wasting more years of your life. Getting clean is hard, it takes time, but it is 100% worth it. So much more comes into your life when alcohol and denial exit.
Stick around, read, reach out, journal, walk, take each minute as it comes. Don’t drink.
Believe in yourself. Let that shit go.
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Hey there, im so sorry to hear about ur relapse. I was reading through some of ur posts on this thread and i noticed that watching hockey/concerts etc and having friends over who drink, seems to be a hard time for staying sober. I know that initally, i had to make changes to what I was used to doing in order to stay clean and sober. I cant have one foot in the problem and one foot in recovery. It just doesn’t work like that. Avoiding certain people, places, and events that could pose a problem is crucial in early recovery. Do your friends know that you have quit? It may be beneficial to tell them so that they can be a support for u as well and not bring alcohol into ur view.
Surrounding urself with positive, recovery related people and environments helps DRASTICALLY. Meetings are great if ur into that
And then of course reminding urself of why u quit (like u mentioned). I actually wrote my reasons down on paper and carried this list with me everywhere. In the moment, when im craving to use drugs, its hard for me to remember off the top of my head what my reasons are for quitting. My mind lies to me constantly and will forget what those reasons are. So if im reading something tangible, it certainly helps to remind myself of why im on this journey. Good luck moving forward friend. Take it 1 day at a time.
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Maybe you drank because you had some nerves about the trip. Maybe you were self-sabotaging this huge trip.
Regardless, you drank. Today you don’t have to. Do today tired, get some rest tonight or tomorrow and enjoy your trip. Revisit this post if you feel like you can moderate.
Moderation doesn’t exist in addiction. Start again.
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Your story is sooooo similar to mine. I recognized alcohol was a problem a long time ago and spent ten years trying to “control” in a lot of the ways you described (trying to set limits, conditions, strategies, etc) and failed over and over. I’m now two months sober and I’ll tell you what finally made a huge difference for me. For the first time in my life, I acknowledged OUT LOUD and to a small number of people in my life that I’m an alcoholic. One of them also took me to an AA meeting. From this, I gained this incredible support network that I didn’t have before, as well as some social accountability. It sounds to me like you’re still struggling because you’re still trying to deal with it alone. You need support and sometimes you have to ask for it. Best thing I ever did.
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This is key friend. We do get a false sense of security in our sobriety and we tend to forget the horror/ shit shoe it was when we were drinking. We tend to think " I’ve made it this far 
I bet I have this licked and can moderate" or " I was able to quit for this long…I’m sure I can do it again ". These are lies our addict mind feeds us.
Don’t beat yourself up over the relapse. Gather your tools and strength and work hard on protecting your sobriety. ODAAT 
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The opposite of addiction is connection.
But please realize that when people refer to this statement, they mean good connection. I encourage people to have good connection, having others in my life caring about me, looking out for my personal and spiritual growth.
But there’s this other connection that I consider bad connection. An example would be drinking buddies. This type of connection is so bad that one would be way better off to be alone with no connection than to settle for bad connection.
Friends who do not love recovery will not help me do recovery.
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Absolutely.
I bookmarked a post of mine to look back on when I was tempted.
It was still bookmarked, so I had a look. So glad to not be there anymore.
For me I had to have a structured program. I did AA, but it could be anything. But get focused and make getting sober your absolute priority.
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Friday morning. It’s an important day for my journey. I’m going to lean on my thread here for personal accountability and journal record.
All the pieces are in place for a reset today tonight, and I’m going to avoid it.I’m feeling overwhelmed with the to-do list, and exhausted from a year and a half of hustling. After work, and overnight after my daughter goes to bed, I’ll have time to myself for the first time in a couple of weeks. My wife’s is leaving for work at 6:30PM for an overnight shift.
Instead of heading for the beer, or going on an Instagram binge, after my daughter goes to sleep and the house is tidy, I’m going to check in here, and stay sober while I:
-spend time in the home gym
-have a protein shake
-read
-start getting ready for a Halloween party we’re hosting on Sunday.
-go to bed relatively early
I can’t do the alcohol brain damage and have screwed up sleep this weekend. I just can’t.
See you later today. 
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It’s great that you are posting here and have a great plan on how to avoid drinking or a IG binge
We are here and look forward to seeing your updates…keep going strong
Alcohol has nothing to offer…just hallow promises. ODAAT
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Awe thanks friend. Much appreciated 
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I love how you had a game plan. I hope to hear about your success in the AM
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Thans @Cjp
The night went later than I wanted to, but all good. The evening was a success. Got the outdoor Halloween decorations mostly up, had a perfect family dinner, got a load of laundry done, did an okay short workout, had a perfect long bedtime routine with my daughter, and tidied the kitchen.
Saturday is a very big day.
Got a morning of daughter time and errands, with two Halloween parties in the afternoon. In the evening I’ll be getting ready for a party we’re hosting on Sunday. My wife is working overnight again tomorrow.
Good thing I’m going to bed sober as planned; hopefully I will set up alright for tomorrow 
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