I hope you can feel safe at home. Maybe even enjoy a little bit being there, in your own space, having your books and your stuff around you.
Sending you much love 
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Thank you! Yeah, I’m actually waiting to go home and spend time with my little things. I bought a new bluetooth speaker right before I ended up here, so when I’ll get home, I can blast some reggae tunes with high volume. Good times. How are you doing today?
I am doing fine, thanks for asking, friend. I visited a museum today and saw some light istallation art. I liked that.
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@DanielaJ Sounds great! I love museums.
12 AF, 12 weed free
I’m back at home and now I’m listening to roots reggae. I just had a long conversation with a counselor which felt good. But I’m depressed and anxious, life seems so meaningless. Being at the psych ward was good because I got rid of the insomnia. But I need time to heal. Taking one day at a time. Wishing you all a great sober 24!
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There was a time where I was in the psych hospital every other week for months at a time. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting “better”. Each time felt like a defeat, and I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I’d stay for a week or so (sometimes a month), feel amazing, only to slip back into mental breakdowns and crises. Then I realized it was because I didn’t know how to function in the “real world”. It was chaotic, unreliable, and unsafe. Being in a locked ward, albeit with its own stressors, was predictable and safe. Learning this didn’t cure me overnight. However, it did help me get to a place where I didn’t need to subconsciously manufacture crises to get to a safe place. I already had the safe space within me.
I can understand these feelings. I have no doubt that they’re for multifarious reasons, some of which I cannot begin to fathom. What I can say is that you have the strength, creativity, and the determination to create within you a safe space. Let it be where you internally go (not dissociatively) when you’re feeling overwhelming or heavy thoughts.
On the door, write: Positive and sober vibes only
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Thank you for sharing, man. I totally understand your experiences and what you mean. I can relate. I’m doing my best now to stay away from the psych wards and learn to live without them. Although I don’t believe in Jesus anymore, God, Creator, Gaia, Mother Earth, the Universe is strongly in my life which I gain strength from. Blessings to you, my dear friend.
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13 AF, 13 weed free
Today has been a nice and positive day. I’ve been listening to roots reggae since morning and one of the counselors came to see me. We talked a lot and it made me feel so good. Also one of my friends from Australia called me and we talked, laughed and cried. It was awesome. I’m so happy to be at home and enjoy my little things. Currently I’m reading this book and enjoying it a lot:
I wish you all a great 24, we can do this together! Peace and Love!
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This day has been extremely hard. Yesterday was a good day but this day has been so fucked up since the morning. I just had a long conversation with my counselor who helped me alot. I cried to her and told honestly what I’ve been doing with substances and how my kids have blocked me three weeks ago when I blacked out and paramedics and police came to my home and I don’t remember anything about that. She told me what happened. Guilt, regret and shame are so real, I’m a fuckin mess right now but luckily my sobriety is strong, I don’t wanna drink, smoke weed or take benzos. I told my counselor how I don’t wanna run away anymore and how I wanna face my problems sober. I hate myself so much because I ruined my relationships with my children. I had just gain their trust and now they have blocked me totally. I’m so angry to myself. Although I’m not religious anymore but spiritual, but I’m gonna go to the Mass this Sunday just to feel the Divine. I still believe in God but as a Creator, the Universe, not as a religious figure. Anyway, plus my friend has been drinking a week now and he called me last night totally wasted. He just called me and started to accuse me of all kind of shit, so I just hang the phone and send him an angry message. I just can’t deal his shit right now when my own plate is so full. Fuck me, fuck him and fuck everything. I’m gonna stay sober no matter what and everyone can go and fuck themselves except you guys. Fuck, I hate myself and this world.
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First and foremost, BIG HUG
Secondly, these thoughts and feelings are so valid. I’m proud of you for coming here to relieve yourself of some of the burden of them. For now we share it with you.
I’m happy to hear that you want to go to Mass. You might not believe in Jesus, but it it’s telling that you want to go to Him for comfort. Go to Him as you are and feel Him console you. Go every day if you can! He will give you the strength, even when you feel like you’re about to collapse under the weight. You’ll look back and see Him in all those moments.
I’m proud of your sobriety and find my strength to face the day because of your example!
You’re not alone, my friend. Keep planting these wonderful seeds to a happy and healthy future you!
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I am so sorry that you have to go through this.I am so proud of you that you stay sober. That is the absolutely best thing you can do.
We are here for you
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Thank you for the kind and warm reply. But I don’t believe in Jesus anymore, sorry. But I appreciate your gesture and I’m gonna enjoy of the Sunday Mass in my own spiritual way.
@DanielaJ Thank you, my dear friend. I’m just angry now but I will calm down soon. I’m listening soothing music and I just ate carrots.
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There’s no reason to apologize! Everyone’s journeys are different, and that’s not something you should apologize about.
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@ICanAndWill @tailee17 Thank you! Luv ya guys!
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15 AF, 15 weed free
I realized today that my weed timer is messed up, it should be at least over 20 days. But because I can’t remember for sure, I let it be in 15 days.
I’m not angry anymore. I slept over 12 hrs, it was much needed. Today I bought some groceries and washed my hair. Other than those, I’ve been just laying in my bed and listening to music. I’m not gonna do anything today, I’m just under the warm blanket. I’m not depressed in clinical sense, I just feel I’m between two worlds. I’m okay. Tomorrow morning I’m gonna go to Mass, not as a religious person but as a spiritual to feel the Divine Universe. I hope you all have a great sober 24!
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Remember, The only way things get better is to stay sober. Sober time is the key! We don’t make regretful calls and do stupid shit we can’t remember when we are sober.
Have no doubt your kids will eventually come back around but it is going to take a lot of time of you staying sober. You got this one day a time. Congrats on two weeks!
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I love this so much! Absolute bed rot today. Nap, nap, nap!
When we lose sleep, we need at least 1.5x that amount just to feel rested.
You’ve had a lot of stress in your body, not just your mind. So sleep, lounge, and be at rest. Your brain and body will thank you!
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Yeah, you’re right, my friend, it takes time with my kids. But I’m now totally cool with that. I need to concentrate on myself and my wellbeing. Rest will follow.
@ICanAndWill Thank you, my man! Yeah, I definitely need a good rest to rise up again. One day at a time.
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Good to hear that is all you can do for now.
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16 AF, 16 weed free
I’m a bit of emotional today because it’s my son’s birthday and I can’t reach him directly. He blocked me 6 years ago and I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know what he looks like, I don’t know if he’s studying or working. My mind is going through happy memories when he was a child and I was in his life as a loving father. I’m sad and I’m gonna spend also this day in bed just listening to music and re-charging myself. Tomorrow I’m gonna go for a walk but not today. Today I’m just gonna let my emotions come and go, crying when feel like it and laughing when I need to. Addictions have truly destroyed my life but staying sober now is the only way to live and to show my kids when time goes by that I’m changed. I’m also prepared that they don’t wanna meet me anymore ever again. Oh my…
I wish you all a happy sober 24! ODAAT.
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