If you’re open to a suggestion: I’d explore this false belief that addiction has “destroyed” your life with your therapist. Why? Because when something is destroyed, it is by definition irreparable. However, by waking up today with a little bit of hope for a better future (not to mention sober!) and an action plan for bettering yourself; by definition, addiction didn’t destroy your life—it damaged it. You’re proving to yourself that even in this moment you are healing. And that’s beautiful. Sometimes healing is uncomfortable and even painful. Yet it’s a reassurance that it won’t always feel this way.
I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come in such a short amount of time. Reflect on that and reward yourself with a special treat, even if that’s napping to your favorite music. You’re worthy of that kind of self-kindness.
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Thank you, my dear friend for the encouraging and wise words. You definitely made me feel better and you’re absolutely right. Nothing is permanent and relationships will heal in time, no matter how long it takes. Nothing is destroyed. Thanks again!
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17 AF, 22 weed free
I jogged my memory and calendar, so now my weed counter is correct.
This day has been as boring like the past few days. I’ve been just laying in bed sleeping. I tried to take a walk because sun was shining and it wasn’t cold, but I turned back after 5 minutes. It’s so hard to concentrate on anything, so I’m just in my bed listening to music. Sigh. I hope you guys have better days!
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Are you at least grounded?
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Haha, I’m not sure. Maybe I am, I feel rested. But at least my sobriety is grounded, not cravings at all. Solid shit.
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Well that’s good. As long as you’re grounded, safe, not neglecting any kind of responsibility, and in enough control of yourself… I say nap all day!
At least you’re not going to be getting into trouble!
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18 AF, 23 weed free
Again, I’m just laying in my bed listening to music, too paralyzed to do anything. I should take a walk, but I don’t have energy. I’m just waiting the evening to come, so I can go to sleep. I don’t have any booze or weed cravings, but I’m starting to feel so depressed and I don’t know how long I’m gonna tolerate this. But I’m not gonna relapse, my sobriety is strong and solid. But I have suicidal thoughts, but they are just thoughts. My counselors are saying that I should go to the psych ward when I feel like it, but I’m sure that the hospital won’t take me in because I just got out week ago. I just have to suffer at home. At least the music is soothing and coffee is good. I don’t know how life got this miserable and I don’t know how long this episode will last. Gotta just believe that everything’s gonna be fine in the end. One hour at a time.
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I’m sorry you’re experiencing these deep depressive thoughts and feelings. Some of them are super valid, and the others aren’t. That’s the tricky part of BPD. Trying to figure out which ones are reliable, and which ones are lying ass hoes.
One skill in DBT is opposite action. Have a therapist go in depth what it is, as well as the other skills; however, opposite action is what it sounds like…
Here’s an example of how I’ve used it in my life. I had to hand wash my dishes for a decade in a tiny kitchen, in a studio apartment. I didn’t want to do them. So they’d stack up. Then I’d get depressed and disappointed in myself because I’m a trauma cleaner. Filth gives me anxiety. Now I’m depressed, disappointed, and anxious. Opposite action was me doing the dishes in spite of how I was feeling. When they were completed, I’d feel exhausted — I’m still depressed after all — but I’d have the dopamine hit of completing something that was meaningful to me. After consistently practicing this skill, I realized it came down to what I wanted more: to lay in bed, or have a clean kitchen. Now, after years of mastering the skill, I do the dishes promptly regardless of how I’m feeling. I don’t even think about it. It’s now mental muscle memory.
You’ve identified that you’d like to go for a walk. That’s reasonable and in your control; however, you’d rather lay in bed. The latter will only make your depression worse. So, meet yourself in the middle and go for a short walk.
As for going back to the hospital; where I live, there is a law that they are responsible for you 30 days after discharge. I’ve absolutely signed myself back in within those 30 days and didn’t have to go through the assessments (since they were still the same).
Another DBT skill is fact vs feeling. You think they might not admit you, but do you know? Call them and find out. Maybe you can call them while you’re on the short walk!
I hope your day feels better…especially after identifying what you have control over.
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Thank you for your encouraging and wise words, my friend. I appreciate them a lot. Unfortunately I just don’t have energy to go into walk, even a short one. I just lay in my bed listening to music. Showering and drinking coffee are the only tasks I can handle right now. I don’t see any light, it’s just endless darkness. I don’t have any more hope left, I feel like I’m dying slowly. I can’t remember a time when I had this kind of deep depression. Past is haunting me, now gives me anxiety and tomorrow scares the shit out of me. Gotta just hope that this episode shall pass like it has before. Thanks again!
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Thank you, my dear friend. Yeah, I guess this shall pass, but my depression is getting worse and worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I should go to the hospital to get some help, but I don’t have energy. I’m just paralyzed and only thing that gives me comfort is sleep because while sleeping, I don’t have to think anything. I’m just a mess.
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How are you doing today, friend?
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Well, to be honest, my friend, I’m struggling. They took me back into the psych ward, so I’m safe with my suicidal and deranged thoughts. I just couldn’t be at home anymore, everything was falling apart in my head. Now I just try to concentrate on listening to music and be at safe and sound. Oh my, what a ride this so-called life.
How are you doing, brother?
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I suggest, and it’s only a suggestion, that you focus on practicing those skills that will benefit you at home. In this environment, you’ll be able to practice them in a more controlled environment. What’s nice about doing it in a hospital is you can be offered real time feedback and praise.
I am very relieved to know you’re safe!
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Thank you for the suggestion, I will definitely try that!
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20 AF, 25 days weed free
I didn’t sleep so well. I’m tired and grumpy. And I’m also at the acute psychosis ward because the “normal” is full, so here are people who are struggling more with their demons than I am. But I’m safe, that’s all that matters. We just had a breakfast and now I’m listening to music in my room under the blanket. My roommate is a calm one. It’s a snow storm outside, so I’m staying inside today. That’s all for now, I guess. Have a good one, luv ya, guys!
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I just found out that they’re transferring me to my old psych ward, but they took my sleeping meds away and I should be trying to sleep with some bullshit meds. So, the hell continues because if I can’t sleep, the downward spiral is just going deeper and deeper. Fuck the doctors.
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See. I’m petty.
I’ve actually been banned from one hospital.
You don’t want to listen to me? Then I’m going to be a thorn in your side.
Academic narcissism needs to be effectively banned.
You know better about you and what works for you than literally anyone else.
At least you’re safe.
Now… be the whole problem for them. 
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Haha, you’re right, I’m gonna be a pain in their asses. They took today the one drug away, so let’s see what does it feels like. Otherwise I’m depressed and full shame that I ended up in here. Makes me wonder if can really live a balanced and “normal” life. I’m attending back to university in earlyJune, so I’m trying my best. Let’s see what will happen.
Hugs to ya’ll!
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