Sending love your way as you battle through these difficult times. Your resilience and strength are inspiring but I’m so sorry that you need them so much these days.
2 Likes
Thank you, Madds. I’m really struggling but I know I can eventually beat these inner demons. It just takes time. Sending love and light back at ya!
Today marks my 30 days without alcohol and 35 without weed. I hadn’t have any cravings because last time I relapsed, I really messed up destroying my relationships with my kids. So, right now I just gotta take care of myself, concentrating on staying sober and the rest will come when the time is right. One day at a time.
6 Likes
My mind is totally broken. Weed, alcohol and benzos have destroyed me. I used to be a happy and joyful person who enjoyed life and trail running. Now I feel I don’t have anything left, no reason to live. I don’t believe anymore that I can be healthy and happy again. Everything is just so dark and hopeless. I don’t believe anymore that time will heal me. If they kick me out of the psych ward tomorrow, I don’t know what to do. I feel this is my last chance for asking help. I can’t understand how I let this happen to me and how I destroyed my relationships to everyone.
4 Likes
Hey friend, you will be better 
I know it’s soooooo hard. I love your idea to move to a house with 24/7 support. You deserve it.
Let me ask a question: Can you say no If they want to send you home?
2 Likes
Thank you, Daniela. If the doctor decides to send me home, I can’t say no. But I’m gonna raise a shitstorm in here if they won’t let me stay here. And if they’re still saying nope, I’m gonna go home and start to run like an animal, to put all my energy in running again. I’m so tired of this shit that they don’t take me seriously and all they talk I should start a therapy. But if I can’t survive at home, how the hell I have energy to start a therapy process, find a therapist and so on. I’m so tired and numb. But thank you for your comforting words. Sending love, light and hugs.
1 Like
Is there any way to aquire a therapy spot while stationary?
Maybe this secure space could help you with that step somehow?
1 Like
Starting a therapy takes months and it’s quite draining process. Others can’t really help in that, I should be able to do that by myself. First I should take a short therapy process, 20 visits and then start to find a therapist for cognitive therapy. But I’m not ready yet to talk about my demons to a therapist, it feels too scary at the moment. But my counselor just called and she said that if they kick me out of the psych ward tomorrow, the counselors are starting a quick process to find me a secure place where there are 24/7 support. Luckily I have really good counselors who are doing everything they can to help me.
3 Likes
I’m so sorry to hear this, albeit I remember too well what this feels like.
Drugs and alcohol physically changes us, physically alters our brains in many cases. With time and sobriety, healing can and will restore much (if not all) of what was damaged due to addiction.
Be gentle with yourself. You can kick and scream at yourself. No one can actually stop you. However, I invite you to look at yourself from afar.
Trauma at an early age stunts the limbic system, which has a negative cascading effect on the body. Although your body continues to mature, it does so irregularly. Compounded trauma has a worse effect on the body. Now, as a means to escape, we learn which DOC works best. Which results in further retardation in healing.
You aren’t a soul sloshing around in a body. Your body and soul are infused together. What one feels, so does the other. Your body has been damaged, but that doesn’t mean it’s destroyed. It’s great to take responsibility for what’s been yours to own up to; but, it’s an unnecessary burden to pick up that which doesn’t belong to you.
You’re healing a lifetime of hurt, and it’s not going to happen overnight.
Has ECT or TMR been suggested as a supplement to your medication? There are all sorts of therapies that are empirically shown to be effective.
It is scary to face our demons. But, you don’t have to without being loaded down with a lot of weapons. Medication, therapy, AA/NA meetings, self-care, and even TS are ALL powerful weapons.
You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, face them all at the same time. Any therapist worth their salt knows that!
You’re not alone, we walk this together.
2 Likes
Thank you so much for your wise and gentle words! They brought tears in my eyes. Yes, I’ve been through ECT and ketamine treatment but they didn’t help me. Yours and others supportive messages are really helping me. I’m so grateful to you and others and you all are giving me hope that I can survive from this hellhole. I won’t give up. Thanks again for your thoughtful message. God bless you, my dear friend.
1 Like
If any good comes from my words, they come not from me but Jesus. That way you can look back and know that God never abandoned you, even in your darkest moments. Therefore, if I boast, I boast in the crucifixion; and if I take credit, I credit the resurrection.
1 Like
Amen to that!
That sounds good, friend. I am grateful for your awesome counselors.
1 Like
So, they kicked me out of the psych ward. Fuck em all. I’m back at home listening to reggae. Today I’m just gonna take it easy and tomorrow I’ll start training. I’m really messed up, but there’s nothing everyone can do at the moment. My counselors are starting the process to find me a 24/7 supported housing but of course that’s takes time. Right now I just gotta survive and to live with my broken mind. I’m totally alone with my inner demons. But I got you guys, I got my faith and I got my sobriety. I feel I don’t have hope, but no can do. One day at a time.
7 Likes
There was a man who left his cabin to go hunting. The weather looked as if it were going to cooperate, and he wasn’t going too far away. So, he only brought his weapon and some ammunition. He hiked through the surrounding forest with a song in his heart. Little did he know that he walked further than he’d intended. He didn’t care though. It was a beautiful day! So, when he was adequately tired enough, he hunkered down and waited for his prey. He was suddenly blasted with an icy wind. A storm has blown in. What started as a few lazy snowflakes turned into a total whiteout. Shivering and ill-prepared, since it wasn’t supposed to snow today, he began jogging back towards his cabin. It was difficult to see anything around himself. Snow and wind accosted his senses. Still, he grew up in these forests and was confident he was going the right way. His jogging turned into walking as he became colder. Through clattering teeth, he shouted into the wind: I should’ve been home by now!
He was confused and disoriented; the storm intensified. Blinded by the snow, he’d walk into trees and bushes. Bruised, disoriented, cold, and tired, he would look around and wonder how he could’ve gotten so lost. It was a straight shot to his cabin from where he was! He shivered violently and kept walking blindly. It seemed he had walked for days. There was no way of knowing for certain. He shuffled his feet through the piling snow and lost hope that the wind would ever give up. He didn’t think he could walk another step. So, he laid down and went to sleep.
The next morning, as the storm itself only lasted a couple hours, his hunting buddies came to visit him. They found him frozen a step away from his front door.
You’re in a storm that feels unending and isolating. However, you’re not alone nor are you too far from the safety of home. That doesn’t mean your literal home, home is where you don’t have to sneak a fart. You’re just one step away from it! You are tired, no doubt, but keep walking into the wind. You’re almost there, my friend. And we are calling out to you! Just one step away!
4 Likes
Wow, amazing! What a story! Thank you for sharing , my friend!
We already started the therapy process with my counselors. We have a plan and it feels good. I have hope again, people are taking care of me. So maybe I can find a way back to my cabin. Thanks again, brother! Hugs.
4 Likes
Fingers are crossed that they will find the perfect place for you soon! I am glad you‘re getting help for a long term solution.
3 Likes
Thanks, Daniela! Yeah, I hope so too! I would be so happy knowing that there’s staff to help me in my daily life and guarding my poor sleep, haha! I feel strong to admit that I need help at the moment. Fingers crossed!
How are you doing? I read great things about your daughter. I’m so happy for you!
2 Likes
32 AF, 37 weed free
I slept well and just came from the groceries. I’m waiting a call from a doctor to book an appointment concerning my therapy process. It’s a lovely day, so I’m gonna take a power walk today for my training. I gotta start easy because I don’t wanna any injuries. I wish you all a great sober 24hrs!
3 Likes
That sounds great! Enjoy that walk 
I‘m doing good. Recovering from a cold, so happy I can get up again.
Yeah, it’s My daughter’s Birthday. I Hope she’s having a good day. Since she’s a teenager now, she doesn’t talk much to me. But I think she liked her present.
3 Likes
Good to hear you’re healthy again. Yeah, teenage can be challenging. My kids had a easy teenage, but now the oldest (21yrs) is kinda rebel and using drugs which is so sad but I can’t do anything. I’m glad it’s your daughter’s birthday. I wish you all enjoy of it!
2 Likes